Nothing From No One - First Interlude
Translated by Christine Robinson
(There are five women on stage, sitting on randomly placed chairs; the first woman is front left, the second is more or less in the centre, the third front right; the fourth woman is hidden behind the third and the fifth woman is the furthest away, centre stage.
The first interlude consists of the discourses of these five women; the discourses are short, interspersed with pauses, interrupted by the others, picked up again, abandoned; it will be necessary to maintain the flow of words and stories. There is no dialogue: the women put forward their cases; they are at the doctor’s, or talking to friends or officials; to these they are making their confessions and explaining themselves.)
FIRST WOMAN I don’t even know what I’m doing here. I couldn’t get to sleep, I was nearly dropping off, then I remembered and woke up. I remembered everything, apart from what I’ve made up, and it’s all together too much. I had locked myself in my room, fat use that was, he kicked down the door, and I took my middle-of-the-night beating, I kept screaming that it wasn’t my fault, it wasn’t my fault, but he was a policeman, everyone was to blame according to him. He hit me over the head and almost killed me. I was what? Five, give or take a year or two. (Pause.) My mother says it’s just me, that it’s just my bad luck, these things happen to me, it’s as though I ask for them. Maybe it’s true. Trouble always comes my way, other people stay out of it, but I’m always landing right in, right up to my neck. So that’s what stopped me sleeping, until… (Pause. She smiles.) It’s funny because last night I enjoyed my supper, I was quite together and relaxed, I thought tonight’s the night, I’ll sleep for about four hours, four hours is quite something for me, I usually need to take those strong tablets, but I was feeling so well, I watched the soap, the nun even spoke to me at break time, she was quite friendly towards me, which she hadn’t been for a long time, she was probably just out of confession, today’s the day the priest comes. So everything was fine. I started to get undressed and go to bed, and that’s when I felt the wave come over me, that terrible fear; oh, hell! I thought, but there was nothing I could do. Then it took over.
SECOND WOMAN You can never tell, with these things. They start off being quite trivial, then they grow in importance, then they spoil everything… There’s nothing special about my case, it’s quite normal, it happens to everyone. But it’s because these things start off as trivial, then they snowball, and… I… with me, it’s the way he brushes his feet on the doormat before he comes indoors… it’s very silly, really… it’s something his mother taught him when he was little, I don’t know, it’s stuck with him, this thing of brushing his feet on the mat before coming indoors. It’s no big deal, it’s so silly, it’s nothing really. But it’s like this… I’m at home… it’s seven or seven fifteen, half past seven even… I hear the door open… I start trembling and get goose pimples all over… ‘go brush your feet on the mat… go brush your feet on the mat…’, I curl up small trying not to hear it, but there he goes, scrunch, scrunch. This goes on day after day, week after week, month after month. I get home later and later nowadays. I feel less and less like going home. It’s ridiculous, but that’s just how things are. Apart from that we’re OK, we still chat and that, our sex life is the same as always, we enjoy each other’s company. But that thing about wiping his feet… plus we don’t have any children, so I am quite free to come home late… (She looks at her watch.) It’s a quarter past seven…
THIRD WOMAN I’d like someone to help me. I don’t know who to turn to. It’s about my husband, you see.
FIRST WOMAN I forgot to tell you something, Doctor. I don’t know if it’s important or not. It’s my father. (Pause.) But it’s unbelievable. Like last time, right in the middle of the street, people started having a go at me, they called me all the names under the sun, they even hit me, and then, ‘sorry, we thought you were someone else.’ My mother says that I must be careful, but what’s it got to do with being careful?
THIRD WOMAN I got married five years ago, I have two small children, I live outside Lisbon, I work all day long. It takes me two hours to get to work and a little longer to get back home afterwards. I am a secretary in a large civil construction company. I like what I do, I feel fulfilled in my job, I stand a good chance of promotion and a raise. We are paying for our house, we barely make enough to get by. I am the kind of person who makes friends easily, because I’m cheerful and good company. My bosses think so too. They are always praising me, they tell me that I am a good employee — they use the word ‘PA’ now — they say they wouldn’t know what to do without me. (Pause.) I am young, I have my whole life ahead of me. Then I get home, I collect the children from my next-door neighbour who fetches them from the nursery, otherwise they’d be out on the street until all hours, I make the supper, something quick and easy, they actually prefer it that way.
FIFTH WOMAN (stands up, excited) I have always been sure that my mother loved me. Right from the day I was born, I’ve been sure, deep, deep down, that my mother loved me. And after all the horrible things I’ve been through, the love she gave me as a child, while she was still alive, has saved my life, it has saved my life right up to this very day. If I had doubted her love for one moment, if I had the slightest shadow of a doubt she loved me, I would have thrown myself off something or other a long time ago. If I am still sane, if I am still alive, it’s only because she loved me, and I was sure of her love from the minute I was born. (She sits down.) When she died, she left me a letter. It’s in a little wooden box on my dressing-table. She said I was to read it the day I became a mother.
FOURTH WOMAN (she starts to talk, but cannot be heard properly; she then looks round, drags her chair to the right so as to be seen, then she starts again) I am not going to talk about my parents, nor of my brothers and sisters, not even of myself. (She bows her head and keeps it bowed.) I am going to talk about a friend of mine who has a problem. She has just found out that she has a serious illness. An incurable illness. And to make it worse, it’s one of those illnesses ‘down below’, that aren’t talked about in front of others. It’s a form of deadly haemorrhoid, or a poisonous growth, something quite ridiculous that makes even the patient sound ridiculous. But it hurts and kills just the same. There are some deaths that make us think. Take an uncle of mine, for instance, an extremely healthy man, he trod on a nail and the infection killed him. It’s stupid thing to happen, but it’s still tragic, it makes you at once think about destiny. You go to the garden to pick a rose and a snake bites you. Or you lean over a banister, the wood is rotten, it gives way, and you crash down to the ground. Or you are peacefully driving down the motorway when a lorry falls on top of you. You think of destiny, then death takes over. Nowadays, ridiculous ailments are just like punishments. They take away your dignity. You are reduced to mere flesh.
SECOND WOMAN At first it was great, I really loved him and he really loved me. He probably loved me a little bit more than I loved him, but that’s normal. Whenever I used to hear my poor sisters or sisters-in-law or even friends going on and on about their husbands, I would often think I had the luck of the devil, that I had a husband with none of those bad habits. Oh, Manuel doesn’t like going to the cinema, he only likes videos, so I always have to go on my own; Fernando hates dancing and I love it; Lewis cannot eat soufflé, he’s allergic to the air; someone else won’t go on holidays because he worries when he’s not working; with someone else it’s something else again, what the hell! At least André eats everything, he’s no trouble, he’s easy to live with. He likes everything I put down in front of him, he tucks in, eats it all up, he likes people, he likes going out, he’s friendly, that’s all there is to it, he doesn’t have any of the annoying habits that most men have. There are men who are crazy about car racing, they stand about in the middle of the road waiting to be run over and some even take their children with them, they’re mad; for some it’s motorbikes, for others it’s football; there are those who like collecting or making kits, leaving the house in a total mess afterwards; there are those who believe they can cook… But not André. With him, it’s just the thing about the doormat and that can’t be called a bad habit. It would even be quite a good thing, if only it didn’t get to me so much.
FIFTH WOMAN There are things I do not talk about, I’m sorry. I’m embarrassed. People today talk about everything, about the most intimate things, to do with love, even things to do with the body, our bodies, but I get embarrassed, I’m sorry. It’s not because I had a religious upbringing, or because I am excessively shy — or maybe I am — but there are some things that, however much you talk about them, you can never be clear about. Nothing resembling it. We hover round them round like vampires. But still they cannot be understood.
SECOND WOMAN (she looks at her watch) He must have gone in by now. He will have put his key in the door, stepped inside the house, brushed his feet (She sighs.) It’s a trifling matter, such a trifling matter yet it takes over everything else. It’s as though there’s nothing else, as though only his feet and the mat are real. What annoys me most of all is that no one told me this might happen. They said, ‘you see, he’ll have mistresses’, ‘you see, he’ll start drinking, gambling, cutting down on your housekeeping…’ So many things that might happen, yet I was not warned about what did happen. (Pause. She puts on a haughty air.) My grandfather used to say: ‘It’s very easy to catch a man, the hard bit is keeping him!’
FIFTH WOMAN I know a story along those lines. It’s not my story, but it’s as good as. There’s no point moaning about it or having regrets, wishing I had been this or that, or that I had done this or that, or that such and such had happened to me, just because I wasn’t what I wanted to be, I didn’t do what I wanted to do, or because such and such never happened to me, and that’s all there is to it. (Pause.) Now just imagine a small village church and a little girl saying her prayers, her veil covering her head and her hands joined. Her aunts are ashamed of her because of ‘the mystery of her birth’, as they say, and they only take her out to mass, because they have to, but never anywhere else. The little hunched up girl stays on her knees, the whole time, her eyes fixed on the man covered in blood who avoids looking at his faithful followers, but she doesn’t have the kind of thoughts that girls usually have, of kissing his feet, pulling him off the cross, or dying for him. She is cold, she looks at the crucifix and waits for them to take her home. But one day the little girl performed a miracle, she ascended into the air in the midst of the congregation who were singing the Salve Regina, she rose from the dead and disappeared. (She looks heavenwards.) Everyone just stood there, staring.
SECOND WOMAN Wonderful. Let’s change the subject.
FIFTH WOMAN (she gets up and leans on the back of the chair) My family is four hundred years old. My house is three hundred years old. My money is two hundred years old. My husband is one hundred years old. I got married when I was sixteen and I lived with him until I was forty, that’s twenty four years long. Then he died. He made my life hell. He would hide things and steal things from me, he would give me things he knew I didn’t want. Living in my house was like living in a labyrinth. He constantly changed things around just to drive me mad. And I spent twenty four years searching for things. One day I called out to him, I went upstairs and found him dead in the bath. He had slashed his wrists in my bathroom. (Pause. Sigh of relief.) Now then, someone who happens to have been a very good friend of his, has started paying me a great deal of attention. He rings me once a week, he’s already taken me out train-spotting, and everything points to his being interested in me. He seems a serious-minded fellow. He’s married, with two grown-up children and his wife is ill, she has trouble with her heart. So she’ll be dying sooner rather than later. (She sits down.) And he is also a very interesting and highly educated person. When we went to the garden, he was able to tell me the names of all the plants, all the trees, he even knew the name of all the stones. Sometimes I think it’s my husband taking his revenge. What if, before he killed himself, he told this man to get involved with me just to make fun of me? What if he arranged with this man to make me look like a fool? He kills himself, but leaves his friend here to torment me. Yes, that’s it. Now I see what it’s all about.
SECOND WOMAN So I know that the most important is to talk to each other, to be able to talk about everything. But do you think I can go up to him and tell him to his face that it really gets to me that he wipes his feet on the mat whenever he comes in? That it gets on my nerves when he stirs his coffee over and over again? That it annoys me when he takes off his jacket and tie, and then puts on that terrible coat which he likes to call his housecoat? What would he say in return? I’m sure he would be hurt, or be offended and say horrible things back to me, and I can’t stand people saying horrible things about me; for a start they’re never true, but then they go round and round in my head and fill me with complexes. But things cannot go on like this. They just cannot go on.
THIRD WOMAN My husband disappeared two weeks ago. I told the children that their father had gone on a trip, but they are already beginning to suspect something. And I don’t know if you people can help me, but I’ve been to the police, and all they say is that’s the way things are and that I have put up with it. Women come to them every day with the same problem, they cannot deal with all of them, they don’t have enough men, and the work is never ending. I looked in all the hospitals too, but I can’t keep it up, I cannot miss work or leave the kids. Do you think… (Pause.) What can I do? (Pause.) It’s probably too expensive, I might not be able to pay.
FOURTH WOMAN (very slowly, thoughtful, crestfallen) I think my story is of no interest whatsoever. But it is my story and I am inside it like a dog is in its coat or like a snake is in its skin. That’s probably why I am twenty three on the outside, yet on the inside, from the inside, I see things with the eyes of that same six year old little girl who would lean her forehead against the windowpane and listen quietly to the falling rain. The same one who kicked her rag-doll to pieces just to get even with some perceived injustice. The same one who ran away from home to go and follow the gypsies.
SECOND WOMAN All the other doctors I’ve been to see tell me something different. All I can remember is that one of them didn’t want to give me any medication, and he spent the whole time telling me that I ought to take control of my life. (She laughs.) That I ought to take responsibility, that things don’t just happen to people, but that people make them happen. Doctors say things like that.
FIFTH WOMAN (threatening) But he’d better not think he can get away with it, playing with me like that. He doesn’t know me. He doesn’t know what I’m capable of.
SECOND WOMAN If only there was a way of telling him everything and then… like when people are hypnotised, they wake up and don’t remember a thing… I could tell him everything, I’d show him how I feel. Then we could forget about it, everything would be fine like it was before.
FIRST WOMAN The sister told me once, ‘only God has the power, no one else, only God.’ (She laughs, mocking.) Take control of my life.
FIFTH WOMAN (growing increasingly angry) Who was it who flew around in church, who was it who rose from the dead? Who saw you in the bathtub, all covered in red and white? Who put up with your abuse for twenty four years? (Pause. She screams.) But I didn’t give you any children, no I didn’t, that would have been the last straw!
THIRD WOMAN I don’t have any money, we’ve still got the mortgage to pay… And the instalments on the car. (Pause. She becomes thoughtful.) And on the video.
FOURTH WOMAN (exultant, almost in ecstasy) I had a father, I had a mother. (Pause. She is full of wonder.) I was born!
FIFTH WOMAN (beside herself) But I won’t leave it at that! Don’t let him even think it!
SECOND WOMAN If at least he snored! That would be OK, I’d say, look here, either you sleep or I sleep, this won’t do, we’ll have to split up. (A long pause, she looks at her watch.) Well, it’s time I was going home.
FIRST WOMAN There’s something I forgot to tell you, Doctor…
(They remain seated. Curtain.)
ACT ONE
Cast
Carlos Alberto, husband of Dolores
José Manuel, husband of Odete
António, husband of Cristina
Lopes, the waiter
Dolores
Odete
Cristina
Vera, sister of Sandra
Sandra
(The first act is set in an atypical [sic] Portuguese restaurant; the main characteristic is a huge mural depicting a sea-side scene, in a very naive style; the painting may comprise a lighthouse, a lobster, a fisherman, a fishing boat, a few prawns; it may be decorated with a net. The restaurant is entered front left, the kitchen back right, the bathroom back centre.)
(Sitting in front of each other, centre stage, are José Manuel and Odete, drinking litres of beer, and front right are Carlos Alberto and Dolores who are eating slowly, heads down.)
(Enter António and Cristina who walk across the room, looking for a suitable table.)
ANTÓNIO This one?
CRISTINA (disgusted) It’s too near the toilets.
ANTÓNIO How about this one?
CRISTINA (whispering) Further away from those two.
ANTÓNIO (rolling his eyes) This one?
CRISTINA It’ll do.
LOPES (who has been following the scene imperturbably) This one is reserved.
CRISTINA It’s always the same thing.
ANTÓNIO (sharply) Well, where then?
LOPES Any table you like.
ANTÓNIO Apart from this one.
LOPES Apart from this one.
CRISTINA Can we have that one?
LOPES Any one. Wherever you like.
ANTÓNIO Apart from that one.
LOPES Apart from that one.
(Cristina and António choose another table and sit down.)
ANTÓNIO (aside, about the waiter) Cretin!
CRISTINA Have you been here before?
ANTÓNIO No, why?
CRISTINA Nothing. (Pause. She looks around.) I think I know that person over there.
ANTÓNIO (he turns around to see who it is) I don’t know who it is.
CRISTINA You do.
ANTÓNIO (angrily) I do not.
CRISTINA Didn’t she go out with Jorge?
ANTÓNIO Which Jorge?
CRISTINA Your colleague from Parker.
ANTÓNIO (he turns around again) Perhaps, I don’t remember her. Nor him.
(They tuck into their bread and butter. The waiter serves José Manuel and Odete who have started to argue quietly. José Manuel talks in a muffled, threatening tone, somewhat unaware that he is pointing things at Odete, such as a fork or a knife, as the argument progresses. Every now and then, Odete can be heard exclaiming, ‘Oh, Zé Manel!’, with a long-suffering air. When Lopes appears with the tray, José Manuel spears the lobster with his fork, forcing the waiter to put his tray on the table. He helps himself and starts hammering away at the creature.)
DOLORES (making conversation; Carlos Alberto eats methodically, arranging his food on the plate, taking a little of this, a little of that, balancing it all carefully on his fork; not once does he look at Dolores as he busies himself with what he is doing) I had been in the queue for around half an hour. Everybody had that ‘I’m stuck in a queue’ look about them, you know what it’s like, shifting from one foot to the other like horses do. Anyway, all of a sudden, we heard, ‘you need to get it stamped by two different firms.’ The man had been waiting for ages, holding on to his form, and when he showed it to her, she said, ‘you need to get it stamped by two different firms.’ Then, without uttering a single word, he went over and bashed the partition, smashing it to bits, then he started to strangle the woman. Just like that, with his eyes all glaring, he was strangling the woman.
CARLOS ALBERTO (indifferently, without lifting his eyes from his plate) All officials are overloaded with work. (Lopes enters to take Cristina and António’s orders, which is done quickly. He goes to fetch the wine list and hands it to António, who makes his choice after a quick glimpse).
DOLORES Everything went silent, nobody moved, it must have been the shock.
CARLOS ALBERTO There is still a great shortage of good manners in this country. I can’t wait to see what happens when we become part of Europe.
DOLORES The daughter of a friend of mine at work had her schoolbag stolen from her on her way to school. Great big thugs, what could they possibly want with a child’s schoolbag? As it happens, they didn’t hurt her, but can you imagine what might have happened? (Pause.) Do you want some more potatoes? (She puts some more chips onto his plate.)
(Cristina and António’s dishes arrive; Cristina takes a slice of tomato from her plate and puts in on António’s; António moves his lettuce onto Cristina’s plate; they start to eat. They chat without looking at each other, their heads bowed over their plates.)
(Enter Vera; clearly embarrassed, she looks for a discreet table. She sits back centre, leaning against the backdrop, facing the left, then she changes her mind and sits facing the right.)
CRISTINA When do we have to pay?
ANTÓNIO By the end of the month.
CRISTINA Do you think it’s a lot?
ANTÓNIO It’s always a lot. The state doesn’t do anything for not a lot. It must be around 40%.
CRISTINA Will we still have any money for our holidays?
ANTÓNIO I think so. It depends on what Finances will accept as expenses.
CRISTINA How much was it last year?
ANTÓNIO Last year is not this year.
CRISTINA Yes, but more or less?
ANTÓNIO It’s more or less a month’s salary.
CRISTINA (lifting her head) Damn, with these kind of taxes we will never make money! Bills to pay, always behind with something or other, we’ll never get anywhere…
ANTÓNIO We spend too much…
CRISTINA On what? Do you think we should start eating less in order to pay our taxes to the state?
ANTÓNIO (seriously) There are people doing that already… and there are even some who have always done that.
(Dolores and Carlos Alberto have finished their meal. Lopes comes to clear the table).
LOPES Dessert?
CARLOS ALBERTO Two coffees.
DOLORES (shyly) I’d like a pudding. This is a celebration.
LOPES Almond slice, chocolate mousse, caramel pudding, orange cake.
DOLORES (aside) It’s always the same thing. (To Lopes.) And what about those frozen Spanish things?
LOPES I’ll bring the list.
DOLORES (to Carlos Alberto) Did you hear about the hole in the ozone layer? Do you think it’s dangerous?
CARLOS ALBERTO (somewhat impatiently, he looks at his watch) It’s mere propaganda.
DOLORES (suddenly crestfallen) Do you really have to go that meeting today? Didn’t you tell them it was our anniversary?
CARLOS ALBERTO I do not tell them about my private life.
DOLORES But what do you all get up to in those meetings?
(Vera, tired of waiting, takes a notepad, a pen and a book out of her handbag; she pushes her plate to one side and starts to read.)
LOPES (enters with the dessert menu) It is against the rules to study.
VERA But I’m not studying, what nonsense!
LOPES (still imperturbable) It is forbidden to study at the table during meal times. It’s written over there. Orders from the management.
VERA But I am not studying!
(Lopes shrugs his shoulders slightly and gives Dolores the dessert menu. Leaving for the pantry, he looks at Vera who is still poring over her book.)
(José Manuel and Odete have been silent, eating, hammering and enjoying their seafood. Odete’s manner is subservient, she looks at Zé Manel, worshipping him desperately, handing him things, emptying the shells from his plate.)
JOSÉ MANUEL (with his mouth full, excited, gesticulating) ‘Just you wait, next time I’ll push your dentures right down your throat! I’ve done worse! Who the hell do you think you are, calling me a clown, you bastard?’ I said to him. The guy just stood there like this (José Manuel makes a dumbstruck face). ‘You take too much for granted, just because you are big and fat, you think no one will ever go for you, but you are very wrong. It could have been worse! Just you wait!’
ODETE (anxiously) Oh, Zé Manel! What are you letting yourself in for! Don’t forget he’s already killed people before!
JOSÉ MANUEL (laughing crudely) Gee, am I scared! You’re very stupid. You’re so gullible. You let the bloke do what he wants with you.
ODETE (defeatedly) What can I do?
JOSÉ MANUEL Send him packing, or don’t you know how to? You’re always all hunched up, like a sewer rat! What does that guy give you that I don’t, hey?
ODETE Nothing, he doesn’t give me anything. You know it’s you I love.
JOSÉ MANUEL Then that settles it. Today you will not go home. (He drains the remainder of his litre of beer.)
ODETE (distressed) Oh, I can’t do that, we have a job on today! There’s no way!
JOSÉ MANUEL You’ll start working just for me. (Pause. He calls Lopes.) This state of affairs, sleeping with one of us, then with the other, has got to stop. You are not going back home, and that’s that. It will make it easier at work.
ODETE (tearfully) He’ll kill us!
JOSÉ MANUEL That’s a good one.
(Lopes comes up to clear the remains of the lobsters from the table. When he walks past Vera, he looks at her.)
VERA (humbly) When can you see to me?
LOPES I thought you were busy studying.
VERA I am not studying. I am reading while I wait.
(Lopes gives her the menu. For the first time so far, he seems to be quite nice to her.)
LOPES Are you a student?
VERA (somewhat annoyed with the conversation, looking at the menu) Do you think I look the right sort of age for a student?
LOPES (suddenly livening up) There are people who study until they die. I’ve been told about someone who studied until they retired. He took a load of degrees that served him no purpose at all.
VERA Do you have this ‘Rabbit with Rice’…?
LOPES (impassive once more) There’s none left.
VERA Well, what do you think…
LOPES It was from lunch.
(Vera buries herself in the menu again. Lopes goes off towards the kitchen.)
JOSÉ MANUEL Who ruined the job in Reboleira? It was him, behaving like some kind of Rambo, he couldn’t take the pressure. Who organises everything? Who’s the boss? It’s me, the guy only goes along to scare people. Who took the jewels from the old woman? It was me and the bastard just stood there! ‘Hurry up, mate, shit! hurry up, mate’, he was shitting himself! Coward! But I’ve told him, ‘one more scene like that and you’re through.’
ODETE (absent-mindedly lighting a cigarette) He’s actually a good man.
JOSÉ MANUEL (who has kept looking at António, containing his rage) That guy over there, he’s getting on my goat. There’s going to be fireworks soon.
(Odete turns to look at António again.)
ODETE You silly thing. What’s he done to you?
JOSÉ MANUEL Nothing. He’s just getting to me (suddenly, violently, he turns on Odete.) And just you stop talking rubbish, do you hear me? With me, women have to behave well, be warned.
ODETE (taken aback) What did I say?
CRISTINA (she turns discreetly to look at José Manuel; she speaks to António) What louts!
ANTÓNIO They may be louts, but with the money they spent on lobster I could have bought good stock in the bank! (Pause.) The man keeps staring at me, but I don’t know him.
CRISTINA I should hope not. With that criminal look about him.
(Enter Sandra front right, through the main door; she very self-confidently walks across the stage to back left; then she turns, notices Vera and walks slowly towards her; Sandra is wearing a very tight and diminutive mini-skirt, black fishnet tights, very high heels, a belly-top; her hair is back-combed and very long; she is heavily made-up: she is a true ‘lady of the night’. When she comes in, silence falls in the room, the three men turn their heads towards her at the same time; then it’s the turn of the three women who at once turn back to look at their men; they follow Sandra with their eyes, until she sits down at the table with Vera.)
VERA (hostile) I thought you weren’t coming.
SANDRA (she looks around, eyeing the men; she waves discreetly at Carlos Alberto who waves back, somewhat gingerly; she speaks wearily to Vera) I had things to do. Have you ordered yet? I want a Martini…
VERA (laughing) A Martini? You’ve been seeing too many ads…
SANDRA It doesn’t take you long to get started.
VERA The earlier I start, the earlier I finish. (Pause.) Did you go and see him?
SANDRA I still haven’t had time.
VERA I can imagine. And when will you have time?
SANDRA I don’t know. Some day.
VERA Some day he is going to die.
(Sandra signals to Lopes who immediately comes scurrying.)
SANDRA Bring me a Martini.
LOPES And something to eat?
SANDRA How amusing.
CARLOS ALBERTO (to Lopes) Where are those coffees?
DOLORES Does he belong to the Party, too?
CARLOS ALBERTO To the local party of Aveiro.
DOLORES Don’t lie to me, Carlos Alberto!
CARLOS ALBERTO (very seriously) Or from the local party at Faro! Hell! You expect me to know where all the delegates from the last Congress come from just like that!
(Dolores gets up suddenly and runs to the toilet, back centre. Carlos Alberto bows his head. Sandra goes slowly up to him. She remains standing, next to the table.)
SANDRA (affectedly) So the little woman is indisposed?
CARLOS ALBERTO She’s gone to wash her hands.
SANDRA How about you, don’t you need to go? (Confidentially.) Well, when’s the next Congress? I’ve missed you…
(Dolores comes out of the bathroom and stops in her tracks when she sees Sandra standing next to Carlos Alberto. She rushes forward, her hand outstretched to Sandra.)
DOLORES (she is very nervous) How are you? I am Carlos Alberto’s wife.
SANDRA (shaking hands) I was just remembering the last Congress with Carlos Alberto. Do you belong to the Party, too?
DOLORES No, Carlos Alberto is the one who is interested in that sort of thing.
SANDRA (she holds her hand out to Carlos Alberto) Lovely to see you again. See you soon. (To Dolores.) Nice meeting you.
(She goes to sit at Vera’s table.)
(Dolores falls back into her chair, dejected. Lopes brings her ice-cream and the coffee. Dolores doesn’t budge.)
DOLORES (deeply saddened) Did I tell you the one about the two sisters who got their medical tests muddled up? One took medicine for her liver I don’t know how long for, the other was having her kidneys treated, and they were getting sicker and sicker until the doctor ordered the tests to be repeated, and that’s when the mistake was uncovered.
CARLOS ALBERTO These things happen.
(Odete gets up to go and wash her hands.)
JOSÉ MANUEL (loudly, to António) Why are you staring at us? Is there something you’ve never seen?
(Lopes freezes in the middle of the room, looking at António, and he watches the scene develop.)
ANTÓNIO Me?
JOSÉ MANUEL No. your grandmother. Do you know me from somewhere?
ANTÓNIO (looking carefully) As it happens, I do think I have seen you before.
JOSÉ MANUEL (sarcastically) Where, at Friday night Bingo?
ANTÓNIO What?
(José Manuel starts on yet another litre of beer.)
CRISTINA What was that? I didn’t understand.
ANTÓNIO (he shrugs) He’s mad. But he looks just like that guy who stole my wallet, remember?
(Cristina turns round to have a look.)
JOSÉ MANUEL What’ the matter? You too?
(Cristina at once turns back again, intimidated.)
CRISTINA (low, to António) Do you think thieves eat in the same restaurants as us?
(Odete returns from having washed her hands and looks at António and Crisitna’s table.)
ODETE What is it, did they have a go at you?
(José Manuel shrugs his shoulders.)
ODETE Look, it’s getting late. I must go.
JOSÉ MANUEL (calling Lopes) Where’s the job today?
ODETE (freshening up her lipstick, looking in her compact mirror) It’s in the Amoreiras.
JOSÉ MANUEL Well, well!
CRISTINA I must say, it was a bit stupid of you, that thing with the wallet. It would happen with me there.
ANTÓNIO How was I to know the man would be armed?
CRISTINA (pointedly to change the conversation) Do you still want to go to the Algarve in August?
ANTÓNIO If you like.
CRISTINA Shall I tell Rui and Maria to come with us, like they did last year?
ANTÓNIO If you like.
CRISTINA I want you to promise you won’t spend your time trying coming on to Maria.
ANTÓNIO Me?
CRISTINA No, me.
ANTÓNIO There’s no harm in looking, or do you mind that?
CRISTINA As long as you’re discreet and don’t make me look like a fool.
ANTÓNIO Leave it. We’ll go on our own.
(Sandra is smoking and sipping her Martini. Vera is also smoking impatiently.)
VERA Well?
SANDRA Are you nervous, sis?
VERA I want to know when you are going to see your husband in hospital.
SANDRA He has you.
VERA Me? Are you daft? The man has been bedridden for two months, with tubes all over the place, and whenever I see him, it’s ‘where’s Sandra, isn’t she coming?’ And I make up yet another excuse and still you never turn up…
SANDRA (interrupting) I tell a lie. I’ve been there once.
VERA (maternal) I don’t know what to tell him any more. He loves you so much, it’s almost indecent the way you don’t care at all.
SANDRA He should have married you
(Carlos Alberto is drinking a balloon of something or other.)
DOLORES You will be late.
CARLOS ALBERTO (mournfully) So it’s our wedding anniversary.
ODETE Are you ready?
JOSÉ MANUEL Hold on, what’s the rush?
(He calls Lopes, who comes up.)
DOLORES It is indeed.
ODETE Are you going to have any more to eat?
JOSÉ MANUEL I am, why?
LOPES (to Odete) A steak maison? (to José Manuel) Only the one?
JOSÉ MANUEL Only one for me.
DOLORES I’d like to be like you. Going to meetings. Attending congresses, being asked to conferences. Having a more interesting life. (Pause. Dejectedly.) But I don’t even know why I’m going to vote. I think they’re all the same. Some day…
CARLOS ALBERTO Abstaining from voting is a growing problem. (Pause.) You’re not thinking of…
DOLORES (concerned) No, no. I was just saying.
CRISTINA You know I hate that cinema.
ANTÓNIO But it’s the only one showing the film.
CRISTINA I’d rather not see it. It’s too stuffy in there.
VERA You’ve always been like that.
SANDRA You have always been like that too.
CARLOS ALBERTO Shall we go?
ODETE Oh Zé Manel, I have to go…
JOSÉ MANUEL Go on then. I am holding you back by any chance?
ODETE Are you angry with me?
(José Manuel looks around, searching for Lopes, who enters with Vera and Sandra’s food. When Lopes leaves without looking at him, he lights up a cigarette, pulls a chair across and puts his feet up. Then Odete picks up her bag, goes to get up, then looks at her watch, drops her bag and remains seated. She does this a few more times until the end of the scene. As soon as José Manuel has his feet up on a chair, Lopes rushes out of the kitchen.)
LOPES (pointing to José Manuel’s feet, undramatically, as though they were objects) You cannot put your feet on the chairs. (He exits. José Manuel does not move.)
ANTÓNIO It’s unbelievable, everyone knows what’s going on. It’s Almeida who does all the work and Figueira, with his smooth talking and angelic face, he’s the one who keeps getting promoted.
CRISTINA But doesn’t he react? Doesn’t he say anything?
ANTÓNIO What do you expect him to do? He can’t go around beating up the heads of department just because they’ve promoted that fool Figueira instead!
CRISTINA Still, he could do something, he could show up the other man’s incompetence, set up a trap of some sort…
ANTÓNIO As if he’s up to that sort of thing!! He has so much to do, with all the work the other lets pile up, that he hasn’t time to think of revenge… Besides, he’s not that kind of chap.
CRISTINA But he’ll never get on like that.
ANTÓNIO No, he won’t.
(Vera and Sandra eat in silence, lost in their own thoughts; Sandra picks at her food, with coquetry, with many languid looks and much pouting of the lips, and Vera eats messily and impatiently.)
VERA I’ll probably have to take a few days holiday when they let him out.
SANDRA I’m going next week.
VERA (astonished) Where to?
SANDRA To Benidorm.
VERA (venomously) With anyone?
SANDRA Yes, with somebody. With more than three million other Portuguese people.
VERA What does he do?
SANDRA (casually) He’s a university lecturer. He has loads of free time.
VERA He must be better than the one who was on night shifts. You looked awful when you were with him!
SANDRA You’re so kind.
VERA (after a pause) Aren’t you coming back home?
DOLORES (suddenly, explaining to Carlos Alberto) Cláudio says that Mariana hates her. Juriça wants to get married again. Wilson is with Bolinha. Desdemona denies stealing Robert’s emerald. Aliette is going to tell Simónides everything. Renato kisses Lucília. Victor is looking for Zazica’s ring.
(José Manuel, who has had a little too much to drink, lights up a cigarette, gets up and looks around him. He goes up to Sandra.)
JOSÉ MANUEL (holding his lighted cigarette) Do you have a light?
(Sandra looks at him and lights his lighted cigarette. José Manuel looks at his cigarette an leans over again for Sandra to repeat the operation. When she has done this, he waves a vague thank-you and stands in the middle of the room looking at António.)
VERA Do you know him as well?
SANDRA (irked) What on earth do you take me for? According to your little mind, I spend my days and nights going to bed with men, going out with men, hitching up with men! You’re mad! You think of nothing else!
VERA (like a peeved child) You telling me it’s not true? You’re such an angel, are you?
SANDRA I’m no angel, but I’m not a whore. I am a normal woman, which is something you are not.
VERA Here comes the same old story…
(José Manuel starts walking towards António who is waiting for his dessert and looking innocently the other way.)
JOSÉ MANUEL Just what are you looking at, you peasant? Just look at that boorish face!
(António looks at José Manuel as though waking from a swoon and sees him coming closer. Cristina and Odete turn around and also follow José Manuel’s progress. He leans against Cristina and António’s table.)
JOSÉ MANUEL Just look at the bloke’s tie! Look at his suit! His hairstyle! (He looks under the table. He chuckles.) And his trousers, his socks, they all match! (Admiring him.) Aren’t we the handsome one!
ANTÓNIO In a place as respectable as this…
JOSÉ MANUEL (slapping him on the back) You’re right. When you’ve got it, flaunt it (He holds out his hand to António, who shakes it, then he does the same with Cristina, and then he walks away. He sits down at his table, and puts his feet up on the chair.)
ODETE The steak is cold.
(José Manuel puts his finger on the meat to feel how hot it is, then he flicks a bit of ash onto the edge of the plate and leans back in his chair, smoking.)
ANTÓNIO (with scorn) How jolly!
CRISTINA This seemed like such a quiet place. (António shrugs his shoulders.)
SANDRA I do work, you know. I can’t just leave when I feel like it and tell the boss, ‘look I’m just going to see my husband, I’ll be back later.’ I can’t do that. They ought to change visiting hours.
VERA I can really see him sacking you if you tell him that you need to go to the hospital occasionally to see your husband who’s had a serious accident.
SANDRA You are so annoying, you’re more and more like Mother. Going on and on until people do what you want them to. Hell! (Pause.) I’ve already told you, I’ll try and get to see him one of these days! What more do you want?
DOLORES (timidly) We’ve been happy all these years, haven’t we?
CARLOS ALBERTO Why do you ask?
ANTÓNIO (tenderly) And did you see what Emília was up to this morning?
CRISTINA (lovingly) She is crazy about you. When you go out, she’s totally lost, she roams from room to room, she doesn’t know what to do.
ANTÓNIO She is so cute! I found her in the kitchen looking carefully at the ceiling, and when I looked as well, I saw it was a fly! Her powers of observation are quite something!
CRISTINA I left a little later today, because I didn’t have classes until eleven, and I took her for a walk, around the neighbourhood. You should have seen her! She was so happy, leaping about, meowing all over the place.
ANTÓNIO The poor little darling leads such a boring life, locked up indoors waiting for us to come home!
CRISTINA (smiling) If only there were nurseries for cats, where they could all keep each other company…
ANTÓNIO (hesitating) Or we could leave the window open for her so she could take herself out for walks…
CRISTINA No way! She’d be run over at once! And anyway, she hates going out by herself!
DOLORES Shall we go?
CARLOS ALBERTO I’m waiting for the change.
DOLORES Doctor Carrego has decided to take his holiday in September this year.
CARLOS ALBERTO And the house?
DOLORES Look, I don’t know, we have to see if we can change the dates. He says he’s tired of going when everybody else does.
CARLOS ALBERTO (cheerful for the first time) How silly! It’s much more efficient for the economy that everyone should have holidays at the same time! Instead of three months at 50%, or even 30%, we have two months at 100% and one at 0%! All you have to do is look at the figures!
DOLORES Yes, I know, but he doesn’t want to.
CARLOS ALBERTO All you have to do is look at the figures! People will not look at the figures!
ODETE (worried) Oh, Zé Manel, look, he won’t wait any longer. It’s over half an hour…
JOSÉ MANUEL (he leans forward, lying almost right across the table) Leave it, my little dove… It’s only the two of us now… Aren’t you pleased? (Odete agrees; confidentially, after looking around her) And no more shit like the Amoreiras business, OK? Amoreiras indeed! (Even more softly, more explicitly, taking hold of Odete’s hand.) We are going to move on into the international field! We’ll do things that will really bring in the money! No more striking out for a piffling few contos! Let’s leave that for the fat man…
ODETE Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
JOSÉ MANUEL (aloud, impatiently) Stop all that emotional nonsense! I’m telling you we are moving on to the international field, what more do you want? These women!
ODETE He must have left by now, I’m sure he must have left, I’m not waiting any more!
SANDRA (taking a little packet from her bag and handing it roughly to Vera) Here, I brought you a present!
VERA (surprised) You remembered.
SANDRA As if I would forget my sister’s birthday!
VERA (she unwraps her present) Earrings? (Pause.) Were they yours? Did you stop liking them or something?
SANDRA (laughing, caught red-handed) Charming! Next time you won’t get anything!
VERA(she puts the earrings up to her ears, both on the same side) Do they suit me? Am I beautiful enough to kill for?
SANDRA They suit you better than they do me.
VERA Yes, obviously.
(They both laugh; Vera puts the earrings back in their little box and the box into her coat pocket)
ANTÓNIO It’s large, black, just what we need.
CRISTINA How many does it sit?
ANTÓNIO I don’t know, ten or twelve.
CRISTINA And where would we put such a big table? Unless we break down the wall and put it half in our bedroom!
ANTÓNIO It’s really nice, with a glass top. A little bit on the expensive side, but really nice.
(Lopes brings the change for Carlos Alberto, who gets up at once to leave.)
DOLORES Look, Carlos Alberto, I’m not feeling too well. If you don’t mind, I think I’ll stay here a bit longer, I’ll drink some water or something; you go on ahead.
CARLOS ALBERTO Ok, then. See you soon.
(Carlos Alberto leans over to kiss her on the cheek and leaves; as soon as he has left, Dolores gets up and goes to the kitchen.)
DOLORES (to someone inside) Excuse me, where is the phone? (Pause.) Thank you. (An arm emerges, holding a phone, and Dolores puts it on the nearest table. She starts to dial.)
ODETE Oh, Zé Manel, let’s go, I’m scared he might try and find us!
JOSÉ MANUEL If you are going to be working for me, you can stop all this blubbering, do you hear me? That’s all I need, what with all the problems I have already…
ODETE Let’s go and find him now, we’ll say we were delayed, that we’ve been looking at some things, I don’t know, we can make something up…
(José Manuel carries on flicking his ash onto the steak and drinking beer.)
JOSÉ MANUEL (to Lopes, who is near Vera’s table) Hey! My friend! (Lopes looks.) The bill!
LOPES (without moving) Are you paying for both?
CRISTINA Do we have to make up our minds now?
ANTÓNIO No.
CRISTINA Well let’s wait until next month.
SANDRA Why don’t you just leave me alone! You keep the blasted man. I’ve told you I don’t want him for anything!
VERA (humbly) There’s something I haven’t told you yet.
SANDRA (looking at her straight in the eye) Trust you! We have been sitting here for I don’t know how long and now you tell me: (she imitates Vera) ‘there’s something I haven’t told you yet.’ Its always the same thing! Its like the soaps on Friday, keeping you in suspense over the weekend! (Pause.) Give it to me, then.
VERA (after a pause) They discharged him today.
SANDRA Now she tells me! So what was all that talk about my going to see him and being nice to him and heaven knows what else?
VERA He didn’t want to leave.
SANDRA He didn’t want to leave? So now we can all do what we want? If they discharge him, he has to leave, he’s holding up someone else’s bed! (Pause.) How selfish of him!
VERA That’s exactly what they said to him.
SANDRA Where is he? Tell me once and for all, woman, you’re being so irritating!
VERA He managed to get to the bathroom and cut his wrists with a razor blade!
SANDRA (not in the least impressed) That was clever! And then?
VERA He was transferred to another ward
SANDRA With a bit of luck, he’ll go through them all.
VERA (suddenly anxious) Do you see now how important it is that you should go and see him now?
JOSÉ MANUEL I know someone. This someone knows someone else. And this someone else has contacts with some people in Columbia.
ODETE (horrified) Oh, Zé Manel!
JOSÉ MANUEL Nothing comes for free, baby! Don’t you want a car and a house with a swimming pool? Well then…
ODETE (calling Lopes) The bill, please!
JOSÉ MANUEL (mocking) Leaving so soon?
ODETE He might still be there… let’s go… (she grabs his hand) come on…
(José Manuel resists half-heartedly. Odete lets go of his hand. Lopes, who wants to be rid of them as soon as possible, brings the bill and waits for the money. Odete searches her handbag for her purse, dropping a bundle of notes on the floor, then she picks them up and hands them to Lopes without counting them. Lopes smoothes out the notes on top of the table, chooses the ones he needs and leaves. Odete stares at José Manuel who is still lying across the table, making breadcrumb balls.)
JOSÉ MANUEL (dreamily) America, here we come… that’s where life is!
ODETE What do you mean, America? Is Columbia in America by any chance?
JOSÉ MANUEL Maybe it isn’t, you’re the one who always knows everything!
ODETE I don’t know… I thought it might be a little nearer… but don’t they speak Spanish? (Remembering suddenly.) Come on, let’s go, Zé Manel, he might have waited for us!
(In the meantime, Dolores speaks briskly on the phone; the conversation cannot be heard, but it is clear that she is pleased with herself. Then she hangs up, she looks at her watch, goes and gives the phone back, then sits down again at the table.)
DOLORES (to Lopes) Excuse me, could you find me a newspaper?
LOPES (coming from Cristina and António’s table, he stops for a moment to think) I’ll go and see.
CRISTINA I was thinking of throwing a party for my birthday, what do you think?
ANTÓNIO It’s a wonderful idea. Where would you want to hold it?
CRISTINA At home, where else?
ANTÓNIO At home? That’s a lot of bother, the place will get all dirty and then we’re the ones who will have to do all the clearing up!
CRISTINA We’ll get someone in (Pause, appeasingly.) But I was thinking more of a family get-together… My sister and her children… My parents…
ANTÓNIO Those kids are completely wild. They do nothing except torment Emília, poor little thing. Last time they broke the needle of my record player which cost me the earth to replace… and your sister says nothing… she just laughs and says nothing!
CRISTINA I could ask her to leave the children at home…
ANTÓNIO Yeah, I’m sure they’d go along with that!
LOPES (handing a newspaper to Dolores) It’s last week’s.
DOLORES That doesn’t matter. The news is always the same.
(Odete tries, once more, to remove José Manuel from his seat. She gets up, grabs his arm and starts pulling him away.)
ODETE Come on, let’s go. Maybe he’s fallen asleep, maybe he hasn’t noticed we’re missing…
(José Manuel grunts and gets up, he’s not too drunk, but he doesn’t want any trouble.)
JOSÉ MANUEL But what are we going to do there? When are you going to make up your mind?
(Cristina and António are smoking; Vera and Sandra are finishing their dessert; José Manuel and Odete leave; she leads and he follows, crestfallen; Dolores waves to Lopes to ask for the bill.)
DOLORES Don’t forget the bill!
LOPES (Lopes brings the bill and waits. Dolores examines the bill, under Lopes’s impassive gaze. Then she gets her wallet and counts her money carefully.)
VERA (sighing) I think there was a time when we got on with each other.
SANDRA We have always got on together.
VERA It’s just that there was a time when we got on really well together. When we were kids.
VERA You’re imagining things, as usual. All I remember is us fighting all the time, and you running off to Mother to tell tales.
VERA That’s funny, I remember us playing in the garden, and standing up to all the other kids in the neighbourhood, I remember telling lies to keep you out of trouble.
SANDRA It’s your noble and generous spirit that makes this kind of nonsense up.
ANTÓNIO Why don’t we all get together in a restaurant… it’d be easier.
CRISTINA Because we do that every year.
ANTÓNIO All right, then, if that’s what you want… don’t tell me I didn’t warn you.
CRISTINA No, we’ll go out to dinner. With Rui and Marisa.
(António asks for the bill. Dolores looks at her watch and folds the newspaper. She gets up, brushing imaginary crumbs off with her hands, she straightens up, picks up her bag and leaves after saying goodnight to Lopes. Lopes hands the bill to António, who pulls out his wallet and pays with a flourish. Cristina and António put out their cigarettes and get up.)
ANTÓNIO Well, where are we going?
CRISTINA I thought you wanted to go to the cinema?
(They leave front stage. Cristina walks behind; in the middle of the room, António lets her go in front, like the perfect gentleman that he is.)
SANDRA (after looking at her watch) Do you have anything to do?
(Vera shrugs her shoulders and bows her head.)
(Curtain.)
SECOND INTERLUDE
(On stage stands a woman facing the audience, centre left; she is pushing a swing with nobody on it. She is speaking to an invisible person, her ex-husband, who would seem to be standing at the far reach of the swing.)
SIXTH WOMAN (after a challenging pause) I cannot manage on one hundred contos, Carlos Jorge! The kid needs stuff, for school, new shoes, have you any idea how long a pair of plimsolls lasts? I can just about manage to make ends meet, but I have to watch every single penny I spend, I’m always worried stiff about tomorrow… and what if something unexpected crops up? Do you know how much I have in the bank? (Pause.) I know you already give the child an awful lot, more than most, I know, you’ve told me so, I didn’t want to ask you, but cost of things is going up all the time… We haven’t had a holiday for two years, all we do is stay at home, go swimming every now and then, going to the beach costs a fortune… and she likes going so much! (Pause.) I cut back on everything, we never eat out, I never have any fun, I come straight home from my classes, I go straight to my classes from home, besides I have no one to leave her with, Dona Filomena has moved… (Pause.) Yes, she’s gone and moved. (Pause. Pointing to the swing.) She still asks for you, every now and then, poor little thing. ‘Aren’t I going to school today? Is it Saturday?’, ‘Yes, it is’, I say, ‘Isn’t Daddy coming?’ (She smiles.) But she’ll get used to it. Now you have a new home, a new family, you’re busy all the time, that’s how things are now. (Pause.) But I still cannot manage. (Pause. Exasperated.) It’s the rent, Carlos Jorge, what can I do? Do you think I am lying to you? Do you think I’m trying to deceive you? You know jolly well what my fixed expenses are!
(Enter the Seventh Woman, right, pushing a wooden rocking horse. The Seventh Woman is poised and very feminine, like a Chanel model. When she reaches centre stage, she sits side-saddle on the little wooden horse, she rests her handbag on her lap, crosses her ankles and sighs. The Sixth Woman is still pushing the swing.)
SEVENTH WOMAN (to herself) Yesterday I dreamt I had stolen a red Porsche. There I was, casually leaving the shopping centre, when I walked past a tunnel where there was this red Porsche, and I got in. Funny thing is, I was quite disappointed by it. It wouldn’t get going easily, it never built up any speed, it made a hell of a noise and I remember thinking, ‘Damn, this is more like a Volkswagen!’ And at the same time I was aware that I might be doing something illegal and that I would have to face the music. I remember thinking that the police was probably already behind me! Just because I felt like stealing a red Porsche! (Pause. She rocks on the rocking horse.) It was nothing special, after all, I would have told them that I stole the Porsche because I thought it was a great car, but when all’s said and done, it’s no more than a chugging Volkswagen, a tin can… (Pause. She smiles.) Then Alfredo appeared, all in a state, ‘What have you been up to, Matilda? What have you been up to?’ (She laughs.) ‘Come on now, calm down! I’ve stolen a red Porsche, what’s the big deal?’ And he started going purple, rolling his eyes, and he changed into a pumpkin. (She sighs.) No, I’m making that bit up. (She opens her handbag, rummages around absentmindedly, then closes it, not having taken anything out.) (Sadly, to herself.) What have you been up to, Matilda? What have you been up to all this time?
(While the Seventh Woman remains, crestfallen, swinging her legs on the wooden rocking horse, the Eighth Woman enters right, pushing a slide on wheels in front of her; after coming to a halt, back right, she starts to turn the slide towards the audience with a bit of a struggle; while she busies herself in this clownish scene, trying absurdly to dominate a heavy object larger than herself, the Ninth Woman enters the right, who slowly goes up to the Sixth Woman, watching with her arms folded as she pushes the swing.)
NINTH WOMAN How old are you?
SIXTH WOMAN Four.
NINTH WOMAN You’re very big! (Pause. The Sixth Woman smiles, gratefully.) What’s your name?
SIXTH WOMAN Adriana.
NINTH WOMAN (she shouts suddenly towards the right.) Pedro, let go of your brother! Do you hear me? Let him have a go now! (To the Sixth Woman) Two boys…
SEVENTH WOMAN (pondering what might have been) I could have had everything. Trips, lovers, friends, money, independence, and respect. I could have been an international model. I could have had a career, a… (she searches for the right word) an amazing career. The most beautiful woman in the world. The most photographed. Born to be photographed, to wear the creations of great couturiers and model for haute couture... for I have curves, I am not like those lanky things that you see nowadays, with their pouting lips, over six feet tall, where do they find them? They even put black women in fashion magazines now! It’s unbelievable! With their tiny eyes and great big mouths, with eyes and eyebrows that look like Gromyko’s, hair that’s best not to mention… nicely turned out, of course they’re nicely turned out, they have the right kind of natural grace, fair enough, but are they beautiful? Models? God preserve us!
EIGHTH WOMAN (sitting on top of the slide, in a somewhat school-marmish tone) A balanced diet of poisons various, is my advice. Mercury in fish, hormones in meat, cadmium in vegetables. To avoid cancer, eat loads of oranges. Take physical exercise. Do not smoke. Do not go to Chernobyl. Do not drink water from the Adriatic. Have a regular sex life.
(The Seventh Woman opens her handbag and, after rummaging around, she hesitantly pulls out, a large pair of sunglasses. She cleans them slowly and puts them on.)
NINTH WOMAN (to the Sixth Woman, agitated) No, no, I am not separated, but it’s as good as.
SIXTH WOMAN We were married for twelve years, then Carlos Jorge met another woman, we got divorced and now he has his new family and I have the kid.
NINTH WOMAN (calling right to attract attention) Pedro! (To the Sixth Woman, indicating the child with her chin) How about her?
(The Sixth Woman shrugs sadly. To the right, the Tenth Woman strolls in. She spots the Seventh Woman and stops near her. The Tenth Woman is very happy and outgoing.)
TENTH WOMAN Aren’t you Matilda? (The Seventh Woman looks at her with hostility, taking off her glasses.) I am Rucha, don’t you remember me? Aren’t you Matilda?
SEVENTH WOMAN (without remembering) I am.
TENTH WOMAN I am Rucha, we were in the same class, don’t you remember? (Pause.) You never kept in touch!
SEVENTH WOMAN (coolly) What would I have told you about?
TENTH WOMAN (laughing) You’re still the same. Just the same little madam.
SEVENTH WOMAN (holding her glasses dramatically) I am older.
TENTH WOMAN (she rushes up to her, takes her face in her hands and looks at her) You’re fine, there’s just a tiny little something on your forehead, between the eyebrows. But that’s from frowning, from worrying. You must be what, thirty odd…
SEVENTH WOMAN (terrified) I’m only just thirty!
TENTH WOMAN (letting go of her face) You’re fine. (She opens her bag and pulls out a card, which she hands over to the Seventh Woman.) Come by the Institute some day, whenever you feel like it. Ring up first and make an appointment. (She gets ready to proceed on her way.)
SEVENTH WOMAN (holding her back) But what is it you do?
(The Tenth Woman remains next to the Seventh Woman, turned towards the Eighth Woman who is on top of the slide.)
EIGHTH WOMAN (sliding down) There’s the problem of the rain forest, the problem of toxic waste, the problem of nuclear energy. To avoid the catastrophe we must take plenty of physical exercise, avoid cholesterol. Drink skimmed milk. Most of all, we mustn’t think of the forest as a whole, but of one tree at a time. The one dies, the other dies. The fish die, the seagulls die. One seagull does not a summer make. In order to prepare for when the Holocaust comes, we must store fresh vegetables, tinned fruit, long-life milk products. After the Holocaust, we must not leave the house without our protective helmets. They’re not very elegant, but who’ll notice? Vitamins before lunch, and, for supper, wholemeal bread and fennel tea to prevent infections. Folic acid for neurological complaints.
(When she reaches the bottom, the Eighth Woman, sitting on the slide, becomes absorbed in her contemplation of the sky. The Sixth Woman leaves the swing and, walking behind the Ninth Woman, she crosses the stage towards the right.)
SIXTH WOMAN (walking, she talks without great gusto) Women have more freedom nowadays. They have won the right to work. They have won the right to do what they will with their bodies. They can vote. They can have abortions. They can go out on their own at night. They have won the right to use public transport. Today, there is much more equality, much more solidarity among men and women, they are all fully paid up members of society, a society that is truly developing.
(When she reaches front right, the Ninth Woman begins to cross towards the right.)
NINTH WOMAN (walking sadly with her hands on her hips) I couldn’t help it, I just couldn’t help it, he was so insistent! ‘I am frightened of getting pregnant’, I told him, but he said that just the once wouldn’t matter, just the once… and I loved him, I couldn’t say no! He was my first love, we slept together, I tried to say no, but I did love him… he threatened that if I didn’t sleep with him, he would go off with someone else. Afterwards I found out that he was going out with other women anyway, and he was saying the same thing to all of them.
(When she reaches the Sixth Woman, the Ninth Woman gives her arm and they speak together.)
SIXTH AND NINTH WOMEN What we want is to work, what we want is to sweat! For the sake of freedom, the more the better!
EIGHTH WOMAN (who in the meantime has gone up the slide and has reached the top, proclaims) A grapefruit for breakfast! (She slides down and runs round to climb up again.) A grapefruit for breakfast! (She has just slid down, she gets up and walks to the right where the Sixth and Ninth Women are standing. She has her hands on her hips.) Three ounces of lean meat or fish or a slice of cheese or a plain yoghurt or some apple juice. Use your imagination. Three ounces. Essential oils. For lunch five ounces of lean fish or grilled chicken seasoned with lemon juice. Fresh fruit salad. Half an ounce of toasted bread. Or a glass of water, or a bath, or half an hour of loving in the afternoon. Healthy living with imagination. A trickle of olive oil. Go to the beach before midday. Stay out of the sunrays.
(When she reaches the Sixth and Ninth Women, the Eighth Woman stands in between them and gives each one an arm. The three speak in chorus.)
SIXTH, EIGHTH AND NINTH WOMEN Neglect your feet, and you will get wrinkles! Diarrhoea: how to handle it! Your questions about the menopause! Your horoscope until the year 2,000!
(The Seventh Woman jumps off the rocking horse, smoothes down her clothes and primps her hair, she hangs her small handbag over her arm and starts to walk towards the others. She walks at a normal speed, without hurrying. When she gets there, she turns towards the three, bunched together front right. The Tenth Woman goes up to the slide and, with her foot on the bottom rung of the ladder, she stands there looking upwards.)
SEVENTH WOMAN (articulating clearly) When a woman meets a man in a bar, at a party, at the swimming pool, in a club or on public transport, and if she wants to get to know him, she can go up to him and start a casual conversation. She can start by saying her name…
SIXTH WOMAN (to the Eighth) Hi, I’m Ana, I have brown eyes and brown hair…
EIGHTH WOMAN (to the Ninth) Hi, I’m Maria, I like going for walks, swimming and making friends!
SEVENTH WOMAN (she stops them by raising her hand) If the attraction is mutual, she can even let him know that she would like for them to get to know each other better, and arrange another meeting. Of course, not all women are up to it, more often than not they resort to their friends’ support.
NINTH WOMAN (to the Seventh) Not long ago, when a woman met a man she was interested in, she had to wait for him to make the first move by asking for her phone number. Nowadays, the problem no longer exists.
SEVENTH WOMAN (to the Eighth) If you are attracted to a man you have just met, you can, if you want, ask him for his phone number, or even give him yours. This will allow you to ring that man at a later date should you so wish.
NINTH WOMAN (to the Seventh) On the other hand, if a woman decides to ask a man out, she will have to face the possibility of being rejected, and she’ll have to take it on the chin it.
(They are all somewhat crestfallen, while the Tenth Woman goes to the swing; she tries it out, then sits on it with great confidence, and then swings.)
TENTH WOMAN (looking upwards) All I hope is that this won’t all fall to pieces…
(Curtain.)
ACT TWO
Act Two requires four men and five women, who have no names in particular, except in certain situations. These people are designated as Men A, B, C and D, and Women A, B, C, D and E. This is an attempt to avoid psychological typecasting of the characters. They are whatever they say at a given time, and little more.
(On stage, three double beds are placed head towards back of stage; to the left of each bed is a tall bedside table, with a small lamp on each; to the right of the bed on the right, there is an open window; the stage is in darkness apart from the bedside lamp of the couple on the left, Woman A and Man A; in the middle bed are Woman B and Man B, in the right hand bed are Woman C and Man C. Couple C are sleeping, with Man C holding on to Woman C; couple B is lying apart, each on their back, looking at the ceiling; as for couple A, Woman A is crying softly, whereas Man A is sleeping with his back towards her, one arm flung over his head. Couples A and C are in pyjamas and night dresses, and couple B is topless. Man A, who is quite tall, moves and wakes up.)
MAN A (grumbling) Hey, put the light out, I can’t sleep with it on! (Pause. He turns towards Woman A.) What’s the matter?
WOMAN A (crying) Nothing.
MAN A (impatiently) But what’s the matter with you? Why aren’t you sleeping?
WOMAN A Nothing. Go back to sleep.
MAN A But what’s up? Do you think I can sleep with all this crying going on?
WOMAN A You always have done, I don’t know why it should be different now.
MAN A (trying to be understanding) Come on, tell me what’s the matter. (He moves over to her and strokes her. She moves away.)
WOMAN A (stubbornly) It’s nothing.
MAN A (falling back onto his pillow) But why won’t you tell me about it? Can’t you see I can’t get to sleep like this?
WOMAN A (still crying) It’s nothing to do with you. Don’t worry. I won’t tell you because it’s ridiculous and it would embarrass me to tell you.
MAN A Nothing to do with me? Well, who’s it to do with then?
WOMAN A With me.
MAN A Oh! And what’s to do with you has nothing to do with me?
WOMAN A No, it hasn’t.
MAN A Fine, then stop crying and let me go to sleep. (He turns his back to her and flings his arm over his head.)
WOMAN A (all of a sudden) I am scared of dying. I am scared of dying without knowing anything. I am scared of dying without having got round to knowing something. Of dying as ignorant and stupid as I am now. I am scared of dying without having learnt a thing. (Pause. She is crying.) That’s why I’m crying. Now I’ve told you, I feel even more idiotic.
MAN A (turning towards her, barely containing his annoyance) But you’re scared of dying without knowing what exactly?
WOMAN A (slowly, after a pause) I don’t know.
WOMAN B (to Man B, without turning towards him) What are you thinking about?
MAN B Hmm? Nothing.
WOMAN C (still half asleep, shaking Man C) Vergil, go and close the window, I’m getting a sore throat.
(Man C gets up and stumbles towards the window; he closes half the window. He returns to bed.)
WOMAN C (without turning round) Did you close it?
WOMAN B (neutrally) I wish I could think of nothing too.
MAN B (he turns towards her, his head resting on his arm) Are you angry?
WOMAN B Me? Why?
MAN B You sound a little strange.
WOMAN B No, it’s just you.
MAN B What is it exactly that you need to know? What I am thinking about? Or if I’m thinking about something that I shouldn’t be?
WOMAN B Don’t be stupid, do you think I want to control your thoughts or something? You don’t want to talk, you don’t want to talk, that’s all there is to it. Don’t start.
MAN B I’m not starting anything, I just don’t understand why you have to ask stupid questions.
(Woman B puts on her dressing-gown and gets out of bed. She goes round the back of the bed, out of sight. Man B looks the other way while she gets dressed and disappears.)
WOMAN C (shaking Man C) Vergil, did you close the window? I can still feel the draught! (She turns her head and sees that the window is ajar. She mutters to herself.) It’s always the same bloody thing! (She gets up and goes over to close the window noisily. She gets back into bed and puts the light on. She picks up a book and starts to read.)
(Woman A puts the light out.)
(Woman D enters on the right, wearing a long white night-dress; her face is tragically pale. She is carrying a little stool which she takes front right, and stands next to it.)
(Meanwhile, Woman C puts her book on the bedside table, carefully puts the light out after glancing at Man C, and gets out of bed; she walks over to man B who reaches out to her and moves over to the left in order to let her enter the bed on the right-hand side. They embrace, she takes off her night-dress and covers herself up. They laugh a lot in each other’s arms.)
(Woman B walks behind couple A’s bed and climbs into it over woman A who is pushed onto the floor. Woman A gets up and remains on the left side of the bed, looking on, expressionless. Man A wakes up and Woman B starts taking off his pyjama top.)
WOMAN D There was once a man in the land of Uz called Job: a sound and honest man who feared God and shunned evil. Seven sons and three daughters were born to him. And he owned seven thousand sheep, three thousand camels, five hundred yoke of oxen, five hundred she-donkeys, and many servants besides. This man was the most prosperous of all the Sons of the East. It was the custom of his sons to hold banquets in one another’s houses I turn, and to invite their three sisters to eat and drink with them. Once each series of banquets was over, Job would send for them to come and be purified, and at dawn on the following day he would make a burnt offering for each of them. ‘Perhaps’, Job would say, ‘my sons have sinned and in their heart blasphemed.’ So that was what Job used to do each time.
WOMAN B Well, is this as far as we go?
MAN A (mocking) Why, were you thinking of going somewhere?
WOMAN B (dryly) What I mean is, is this as far as we go or are we going to carry on? (Explaining.) Are we going to meet again?
MAN A Oh, I see! (Pause.) I don’t know, what do you think?
MAN B (dryly) I think we’d better stop here.
(Man A gets out of the bed on the right-hand side and disappears behind it. Woman A gets into the bed on the left-hand side and puts the light on.)
MAN A (putting his pyjama jacket back on, behind the bed and watching Woman B who has remained in bed) But it was good, wasn’t it?
MAN B (very gently, embracing Woman C) What are you thinking?
WOMAN C Nothing. (Pause. Quietly.) I was thinking of Vergil.
MAN B (letting go of her, he moves away a little) Oh, I see. (Pause.) And?
WOMAN C Nothing. This isn’t really on.
MAN B What isn’t? Being with me?
WOMAN C I don’t like cheating on him like this. It’s really not on.
MAN B But you told me you no longer loved him.
WOMAN C I don’t know. But I can’t go and leave him just like that.
MAN B But who said anything about leaving him? I really hate it when you start your offended virgin routine.
WOMAN C (teasing him) Offended virgin? Have you had a good look at my face?
MAN B (impatiently) Betrayal is always betrayal. That’s why it’s such fun.
WOMAN C (Pause.) The problem is that I don’t enjoy you any more.
MAN B (hurt) Oh, so that’s it, is it? Why didn’t you say so before? Why did you come over today?
WOMAN D (walking round the bench) One day when the sons of God came to attend on God, among them came Satan. So God said to Satan, ‘Well, where have you been?’ (mimicking an insolent Devil) ‘Oh, roaming around…’ ‘Did you go to Earth?’ asked God. ‘Did you pay any attention to my servant Job? That’s what I call a man!’ ‘Big deal, I say!’ said Satan. ‘I’d find it easy, too. With all the blessings you shower on him, why should he curse you? What reasons does he have for being evil? (Pause. Satan begins to plot.) Now then, why don’t you try and send him some misfortune, kill his cattle, take his sons away from him and see if he doesn’t start blaspheming, see if he doesn’t turn away from you?’ ‘Job?’ cried God. ‘My servant Job? Never!’ ‘Shall we make a little bet,’ asked Satan. ‘You win,’ said the Lord. ‘Take everything he owns away from him, and let’s see what he does then.’
WOMAN A (trying to convince Woman B) No, no, that was before we met! Long before Don’t you remember? (Meanwhile, Man A walks behind the bed where Woman C and Man B are lying, and rushes into Man C’s bed. Man C has woken up and is looking at the window. Man A has brought a bottle and two glasses. He puts the bottle on the bedside table, switches the light on and fills a glass for Man C and a glass for himself. Man C finally looks at Man A when he is handed his glass.)
WOMAN D (very anxiously, as though she were bearing the news herself) ‘Your sons and daughters were eating at their eldest brother’s house, when suddenly from the desert a gale sprung up and it battered the four corners of the house which fell in over the young people. (Pause.) They are all dead. I’m alone have escaped to tell you the news. (Pause.) Then Job stood up, tore his robe and shaved his head. Then, falling to the ground, he prostrated himself and said: (Pause. Woman D lies prostrate like Job.) ‘Naked I came from my mother’s womb, naked I shall return again. The Lord has given, the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of God!’
MAN C Well?
MAN A (sighing) Nothing but trouble
MAN C Oh, yes?
MAN A Yup, nothing but trouble.
(They drink in silence.)
WOMAN B (showing her nails to Woman A) They’re all chipped, I can’t do a thing with them. They keep breaking and, not only that, but they’re painful too.
WOMAN A (not overly interested) It’s because you don’t take enough vitamins.
WOMAN B (dryly) It runs in the family. It was the same with my mother. (Pause.) Did you go to Horace’s place that night?
WOMAN A You know what Augustus is like… it was Sunday, he had to go fishing. As he does every Sunday of the year. Each and every single Sunday. And as Horace’s party was on a Sunday, we couldn’t go. We went fishing.
WOMAN B Such a blasted pastime, isn’t it? How do you put up with it?
WOMAN A (expressionless) If only you knew how exciting it was when the fish bites. When at long last it bites.
(Woman B laughs out loud, Woman A looks at her without understanding why she is laughing.)
WOMAN A How about you? Why didn’t you go?
WOMAN B I had such a pile of ironing to do! There was almost two weeks’ worth! And I had to get out the summer clothes and put away the winter ones, line the cupboards, do the cooking, I don’t get any time for anything during the week… you know what my Sundays are like!
MAN A No, the bloke’s really sneaky; all I want is to smash his face in, but what can I do, he’s my boss! Either I put up with it or I pack it in. (Pause.) Would you believe it, the other day he had me making the coffee! (Exasperated.) As though I was the bloke’s secretary, can you imagine, or his wife!
MAN C Hey, I’d go straight for his nose!
MAN A Maybe he wanted to see me with an apron and bob cap on, with my arse showing, waiting on him! (Pause. He has a drink.) I told him straight, look, this is not part of my duties.
MAN C What did he say then?
MAN A ‘Your duties are whatever I tell you to do.’
MAN C (scornfully) Wanker! (Pause.) What about Lucinda?
MAN A (shrugging) Same as always.
MAN C Anything happening with that wench from Accounts?
MAN A (bored) We had a thing going on, it wasn’t too bad, but we didn’t get anywhere. Our timetables clashed. Accounts only opens at three, I have lunch at twelve, she leaves home at one and I go back to work at half past one, so you see, there was never any time. (Pause. They take a drink.) How about you?
MAN C Nothing. (Pause.) What’s her name?
MAN A Angela Maria.
(To the left, enter Man D and Woman E, holding hands. They are wearing long white tunics, they are barefoot and each is sprouting a huge pair of wings. Their faces are radiant with happiness and they are gliding along, as though in a dream, to front centre stage. Woman D, who in the meantime has sat down on her stool, gets up and walks off towards back right, watching the pair of angels suspiciously. Man C and Man A put down their glasses. Everyone puts out their bedside light and goes to sleep, except for Woman B, who gets up and moves ever so slowly up to Man D. Only the angels are lit.)
MAN D (turning slowly towards Woman E, but quite stiffly) Your purple iris…
WOMAN E (turning towards Man D) Your smooth rod…
MAN D (same movement) Your gentle orchid…
WOMAN E (same movement) Your mast of bright jacaranda…
MAN D Your fair white lily…
WOMAN E Your ship of noble bearing…
WOMAN B (stopping next to Man D, she puts her arm on his arm; she talks to him gently, as though to a child) Juvenal, how could you do this to me? How could you?
MAN D (looking at Woman E, who moves off left) I didn’t mean to hurt you.
WOMAN B We lived together for ten years! I thought you loved me!
MAN D (avoiding looking at her) I didn’t mean to hurt you.
WOMAN B It went round and round in my mind, night after night, I thought and thought, I asked myself, ‘why on earth is he with me, why doesn’t he leave?’ We have a comfortable home, don’t we? You always get whatever you need right there and then… that’s for sure. Then one day, I was going over the problem in the middle of the night, and finally it came to me. Just like that. You stayed with me all those years simply because the house was near the tube station. And the tube is five minutes from your work. (Pause.) That’s it, isn’t it? Then the bank sent you to another branch, and that was closer to her house, so you moved in. Makes sense. Much more convenient. (Pause. She remembers suddenly.) And when I went into labour with the kids, to the hospital, you would go off to her house… and those business trips… all that work, so busy all the time… why didn’t you tell me? I always thought it was my fault, that I wasn’t interesting enough… your life was so glamorous… meetings, business trips, conferences on ‘The Bank and Present-Day Society’, seminars on ‘Applied Electronics in the World of Finance’. Nothing ever happened in my job, and my life was boring, I thought it was my fault.
MAN D (sounding like a recording) I didn’t mean to hurt you.
(While they are talking, Man D escapes front left, followed by Woman B.)
WOMAN C I have to go.
(Man B switches on the bedside table light and looks at his wristwatch.)
MAN B So soon?
(Woman C gets out of bed and goes towards the bed on the right, where Man A and Man C are lying. She switches on the bedside light and clambers over Man A who is on the left, and settles between the two.)
(Woman D walks towards centre stage, from the right, carrying her stool. She stands lit up in the centre, then she sits down, in silence. Man A serves drinks to Woman C and Man C.)
MAN C No, I swear, we did it in an hour and a quarter. It was clear all the way. It can easily be done in an hour when there’s no traffic. (To the Woman.) Well, where have you been?
WOMAN C (with resentment) Around, out for a walk… (To Man A) How about you? What have you been up to?
MAN C He’s managed to pull the lady from accounts.
WOMAN C (smiling) Oh, yes? (Pause. Plaintively.) Poor Lucinda, the things she has to put up with!
MAN A I like women, what can I do about it? Some people don’t, but I just adore women. Not just this one or that one, but all of them, as soon as I set my eyes on them, I long for them, that’s me, what can I do about it? (He drinks.)
WOMAN C (after a pause) Take deep breaths — the urge will soon go away.
MAN A Women are the best thing in the world. I mean it. Some people think it’s children, but I don’t, I think it’s women. After all, if there were no women, there wouldn’t be children, would there? (They all laugh.) But once they start talking, hey, that’s when you can count me out. They just keep going on and on. (They all laugh.)
(Meanwhile, Woman B has walked up to the bed where Man B is all alone. She gets into bed. From now on, Man D remains alone, in an intense spot of light.)
WOMAN B We have to talk.
MAN B (who is getting ready to take her in his arms) Does it have to be now?
WOMAN B (moving away) We won’t get anywhere like this.
MAN B But why is it we always have to talk about things?
(Woman A gets out of bed and stands up, next to the bed, turned towards the left.)
WOMAN D (falling flat on her face, she curses) Perish the day on which I was born and the night that was told of a boy conceived. May that day be darkness, may God on high have no thought for it! May no light shine on it! May murk and shadow dark as death claim it for their own, clouds hang over it, eclipse swoop down on it! From the days of the year let it be excluded, into the reckoning of the months not find its way! And may that night be sterile, devoid of any cries of joy! Let obscurity seize on it and let it wait in vain for light! Dark be the stars of its morning and let it never see the opening eyes of dawn! Let it be cursed by those who curse certain days, those most able to call up the Leviathan, for not shutting the doors of the womb on me to hide sorrow from my eyes!
MAN D (sincerely) I didn’t mean to hurt you!
MAN A What do you expect me to do?
WOMAN B What’s the matter with you?
MAN C What are you thinking about?
MAN B What more do you want?
WOMAN A (Pause.) It could be much worse!
(The questions are repeated in chorus.)
WOMAN A (Pause.) It could be much worse!
(Woman D carries her stool to the right and sits down on it.)
MAN C It’s true that women are much better than men.
WOMAN C Better? I think they’re much worse. They’re jealous, scheming, domineering…
MAN A (interrupting her, ecstatically) But they’re lovely, so lovely!
MAN C What about the ugly ones?
MAN A There’ s no such thing as an ugly woman.
MAN C Isn’t there? How about that colleague of yours, Adeline? (They all laugh.)
MAN A She’s a man dressed up like a woman. (Pause.) No, seriously, even at work women are more efficient than men, and…
WOMAN C (interrupting) But only when they don’t have to take their kids to the doctor’s, or when they’re not on maternity leave, or when they’re not late in the morning because the nursery was late opening, or when they don’t decide to take time off when they come on…
MAN A (interrupting) Yes, yes, those are the annoying bits, but…
WOMAN C (interrupting) Let me tell you, I wouldn’t employ women where I work.
MAN C It’s just that in the short time they do work, they do the work of two men put together.
WOMAN C More than you, that’s for sure, you’re nothing but a fool. I can just see you spending all day scratching your…
MAN A (interrupting her quickly) I only do that in the mornings! (They all laugh.)
MAN C There’s one woman at work who has three or four children. One day we started chatting — God, she’s got an awful life! Her husband’s left her, he gives her no housekeeping, she hasn’t seen him for two years, her parents live heaven knows where, in Leiria, I think, something like that, the poor woman has to earn enough money to keep them all… she’s barely got an O-level to her name…
WOMAN C (earnestly) Poor thing! What an awful story! (Pause.) A few days ago, a woman like that came for an interview, but I couldn’t, no way, they only start taking time off and then I’m the one who’s left high and dry, and end up having to do everything!
MAN C I still don’t understand exactly what kind of work you do, Maria Clara! If we don’t get a man to come and repair the bath at home, you say, ‘I have to do everything!’, if you get a female worker instead of a male worker, you again go on and on about all the work you have to do. But how on earth does it increase your workload? You’re the overseer at the factory, not one of the workers!
WOMAN C (quite peeved) Well, I have to keep my eye on her, I have to sack her, I have to get someone in to replace her, you can’t begin to imagine how much time I waste! But of course, if you would only think a little before opening your mouth, you wouldn’t say so many stupid things!
(They stop talking and drink in silence. Woman A, standing next to the bed on the left, sighs.)
MAN C (to himself) Well I think that men and women are getting to be more and more like each other, all equally obnoxious.
WOMAN C What you’d like is for me to go back home and be your little maid, to wash your dishes and iron your shirts…
MAN C (interrupting furiously) You have never…
WOMAN C (carrying on, even louder) You’d like that, wouldn’t you?
MAN C Maria Clara, you have never washed a single plate up in your entire bloody life! Never! It’s always been me who’s had to look after the house and I’d have to look after the kids too, if we had any!
WOMAN C (aghast) Kids?
WOMAN D (soberly, in an almost neutral tone of voice, asking rhetorical questions) ‘Why didn’t I die in my mother’s womb? Why didn’t I perish as I left the womb?’
MAN B I cannot bear those kinds of people. I cannot bear those kinds of conversations. I just cannot. And then there’s that Mary I-don’t-know-what, she’s such a moron, it’s as though she’s from another planet, she doesn’t even seem to live in our world! I haven’t got the patience.
WOMAN B No one’s forcing you to go, they’re not even your friends.
MAN B I’m sorry, but those people really get to me.
WOMAN B (irritably) I’ve already said you don’t have to go! They’re not your friends, they’re mine! And if they annoy you, it’s only because they talk about things you don’t understand…
MAN B (interrupting) Things I am not interested in!
WOMAN B (shocked) Friendship, love, God, these are things that do not interest you?
(At this point, Man D starts walking stiffly towards Woman A, who remains standing next to the bed.)
MAN B But do you realise what those people are? They are CIA agents! (Pause. Emphatically.) CIA agents! They pretend to belong to a religious sect and they recruit fools from the countries they go to, and then those fools go around preaching that shit about universal love and brotherhood to other cretins who gather up even more fools to listen to them read the Bible.
WOMAN B You’re not right in the head! (Pause.) Do you know what I think? I think you’re totally materialistic and you’re not in the least interested in anything that might be a bit more spiritual. (Pause. After some thought.) And you absolutely hate seeing people who are lower down than you trying to make a go of themselves.
MAN B (getting out of bed, patronizingly) That does it, Maria dos Anjos, that does it! You have just painted my portrait to a T. The likeness is so good that you’d expect it to talk any minute now. (Pause.) Now, you will excuse me, but I have to go out now.
(While Woman B gets out of bed on the left-hand side, Man B puts his pyjama jacket on and walks off towards the bed occupied by Woman C, Man C and Man A.)
(Man D places himself in front of Woman A, his posture mimicking the Annunciation to Mary and the woman kneels down, bowing her head. She covers her face with her arm, as though blinded by light.)
WOMAN A Who are you?
MAN D (who talks like a priest, unctuously suave, preachy) I am the Angel of Relationships.
WOMAN D What do you want of me?
MAN D To help you, Lucinda, once you’ve confided your troubles to me.
MAN B May we come in?
WOMAN C (astonished) Look who it is! Come in! Come In!
MAN A I was just about to go out. (He gets out of bed, and shakes Man B’s hand.) Well, then, how are things? (To the other two, who remained in bed.) All jazzed up, you rogue, have you lot noticed? (He goes up closer to him.) And you smell wonderful! (To Man B.) New girlfriend?
MAN B Only old ones.
MAN A Much safer that way. (To the others.) See you Sunday. We’re all going, aren’t we? I’ll get the lobster.
WOMAN C We’ll meet up there.
MAN C Don’t forget Lucinda! (They all laugh.)
MAN A (walking away) She can go hang! (They all laugh.)
MAN D I shall grant you three wishes, as long as they obey the rules and are within my power.
WOMAN A (finally looking at him, but keeping her arm in front of her eyes.) Three wishes? (Pause.) I don’t have that many…
MAN D (slightly impatient) Ask for whatever you want, woman… happiness, wealth, faith, whatever you want… plenty, children, bushels of wheat, corn, rye, camels…
WOMAN A I do not want camels.
(Man B gets into bed and remains on the left-hand side, where Man A had been. Man A walks behind the beds to his place in his bed, which he gets into as well. At the same time, Woman A leaves the Angel standing. Woman B cannot be seen behind bed B.)
WOMAN A Horace came looking for you.
MAN A What did he want?
WOMAN A He didn’t say. I don’t think he wanted anything special. We chatted for a while.
MAN A Chatted? What about?
WOMAN A About privatization.
MAN A That guy doesn’t half like to talk about Union stuff! I have warned him I don’t know how many times that he’ll land himself in trouble one of these days!
WOMAN A (very seriously) He thought he could confide in me.
MAN A I’m sure. He just couldn’t keep quiet, more like it!
WOMAN A I think he likes to talk to me. I usually have a lot of time for him. I might be able to learn something. You never tell me anything.
WOMAN C (to Man B) Have you met Vergil?
MAN C (staring at Man B) I’ve seen his face somewhere before.
MAN B That’s funny, I feel I’ve seen him some place, too… In the Técnico?
MAN C No… but I’ve seen that face before… what do you want to drink?
MAN B Anything, as long as it’s alcoholic. (They all laugh.)
MAN C (chattily) So, how’s work?
MAN D (softly, to Woman A) Lucinda, my child, I have other things to see to…
WOMAN A (thumping the mattress vigorously) I want revenge, I want revenge, I want revenge! That’s my wish. Oh Angel, that’s my only wish! I want revenge, I want to hurt him so badly that he would never ever be able to forget me… I want to brand him… scar him for life, give him an incurable disease, poison him… (the angel is shocked at Lucinda’s anger) suffocate him, throw him in the river, I want to see him struggle for life in front of my very eyes, stick a pair of scissors in his… (Man D makes a half-hearted attempt to cover his genitals and interrupts her, scared)
MAN D (the noise one makes to stop horses) Whoa! (Pause, to allow Lucinda to calm down.) Lucinda, my child, how much hatred you harbour in your heart! Your heart should be free of such feelings, and should concentrate entirely on love, on giving love!
WOMAN A (turning towards Man A, still furious) If I wasn’t unfaithful to you, it was only because it never happened. Because I never actually got the chance.
MAN A (laughing) You? But who would have touched you, my dear?
WOMAN A (offended, more calmly) Lots of people. Horace, for example.
MAN A (suddenly interested) Horace? Did he ever try anything?
WOMAN A No, but a woman is aware of such things.
MAN A (laughing) You’re mad. It’s all in your mind.
WOMAN A Wait and see.
WOMAN D (sitting down, with feeling) ‘Is not human life on earth just conscript service, do we not live a hireling’s life? Like a slave, sighing for the shade, or a hireling with no thought but for his wages, I have months of suffering and nights of terrible pain for my lot. Lying in bed, I wonder, ‘When will it be day, so I can get up?’ no sooner up than, ‘When will evening come?’ and crazy thoughts obsess me till twilight falls. (Pause.) My flesh is rotten, it is covered in vermin, my skin is cracked and oozing pus. (Pause.) Swifter than a weaver’s shuttle my days have passed, and it ends now through lack of thread! Remember that my life is but a breath… I shall never again see joy! The eye that once saw me will look on me no more, your eyes will turn my way, and I shall not be there. (Pause. Emotionally.) Like a cloud that dissolves and is gone, so no one who enters the tomb ever comes up again, ever goes home again, and his house knows that person no more. (Pause. Decisively.) That is why I cannot keep quiet: in my anguish of spirit I shall speak, and in my bitterness of soul I shall complain. (Pause. Complaining.) Am I the Sea, or some Dragon, that you should set the guards against me? If I say, ‘My bed will comfort me and ease my suffering,’ you then frighten me with nightmares and visions! Strangling would seem welcome in comparison, death preferable to what I suffer! (Pause.) I shall not live for ever, my days will go swiftly by. (Pause.) What is man that you should take him so seriously and he should subjected to your scrutiny? Why do you examine him every morning, why do you spy on him constantly? Will you never take your eyes off me? Will you ever give me time to swallow my spittle? (Pause.) Suppose I have sinned, what harm have I done to you, oh watcher of humanity? Why do you choose me as your target? Why should I be a burden to you? Can you not tolerate my sin and overlook my fault? For soon I shall be lying in dust, you will look for me and I shall be no more.’
MAN A AND MAN B (in chorus) Don’t make a scene!
(Woman D sits down again on her stool, intimidated.)
MAN B (enthusiastically, to Man C and Woman C) No, it’s all a matter of technique, it’s pure technique! Someone who can play with such inspiration almost makes a bloke turn to religion… That goal was… (he searches for the word) sublime!
WOMAN C (shaking her head) I can’t see that at all! All I see is a man who knows what he is doing, nothing more! And he is lucky, he is a man with tremendous luck, and that counts a lot during the game!
MAN C (timidly) Well, the defence helps quite a bit.
WOMAN C (teasingly) The defence helps quite a bit? What can he possibly mean by, ‘the defence helps quite a bit’? Do you have any idea at all of what we are talking about? (To Man B) I don’t understand a thing about football, I only like to watch it every now and then, but this one (she points to Man C) he’s hopeless!
MAN B What’s your sport then?
MAN C Killing time. I’m good at that. And I enjoy watching too.
(Man B and Woman C look at one another without understanding.)
(Woman B appears and remains next to bed B, looking at Man B, who is still next to Woman C.)
WOMAN A (nervously) Maybe you think I’m not attractive to other men?
MAN A (laughing) Not unless they’re flies!
WOMAN A (starting a tantrum) You’ll see if I can’t attract a man, they’re not all brutes like you, I just want to see the look on your face… you’ll see!
MAN A (cuttingly) Don’t you start one of your scenes. If you want men, go to them, just don’t bother me any more.
(Woman A turns her back to Man A and starts crying. Man A looks at her, sighs, shrugs, and turns his back to her.)
MAN D (softly, to Lucinda) Lucinda, my child, I have to go. I’ll come round later to see if you have made up your mind. But we do have rather a lot to talk about. (He starts off towards bed B, walking in front of bed A. He talks to himself.) A neurotic woman, just my luck. She lacks self-confidence, she lacks a strongly structured personality, she lacks a father, she lacks a mother, look, she lacks love, she lacks everything! It’s a self-destructive process, she’s incapable of projecting herself into a self-sufficient future... And she lacks charity! She’s pure resentment… (he blesses himself) my God, what a scene!
WOMAN B (slowly, to Man B) Yesterday I saw you on the ferry. You were keeping fine company.
MAN B (not understanding) Did you leave earlier than usual, then?
WOMAN B I wasn’t feeling too well. I was a bit upset. I think we should settle this matter. (Pause.) You’re in love with her, aren’t you?
MAN B (looking all around, intimidated) You’re not going to make a scene here…
WOMAN B Are you or are you not?
MAN B In love with who? I don’t know what you’re talking about.
WOMAN B Hey, you were so engrossed with her that you didn’t even see me! You were all over her, kissing her and mauling her, and you dare ask me that?
MAN B Has it gone through your head that it just might not have been me?
WOMAN B (she gawks at him) Of course it was you, I know it was you, do you think I can’t recognize you?
MAN B Well then, tell me what I was wearing.
WOMAN B (quite at a loss) How do you expect me to have noticed what you were wearing, what’s that got to do with anything? Are you mad, or what? I saw it was you with a blonde woman, I saw it was you on the 6.15 ferry, I saw it was you because I know you, now I’m the one who has to justify myself?
MAN B Don’t talk so loudly and don’t make a scene. Calm down. For a start, yesterday I didn’t take the ferry, I took the car. Then, I only left work at half past six because I had such a lot to do, that bloody Veiga turned up with a pile of things to do, you know what he’s like… (Woman B nods, still gawking) and besides which, I wasn’t wearing my brown jacket.
WOMAN B (despairing) But who said anything about a brown jacket?
MAN B You did! Don’t you remember? When I asked you what I was wearing. Don’t you remember? You see!
WOMAN B (screaming) I said nothing of the sort!
MAN B Calm down, don’t make a scene. Oh yes you did, but you can’t remember, never mind, it doesn’t matter.
(Woman B quietens down, drops her arms in an expression of utter defeat. She gets into bed, lies face down, her arms stretched out, like on a cross.)
WOMAN D (getting up) ‘How could anyone claim to be upright before God? Anyone trying to argue with him, could not give him one answer in a thousand! His heart is so wise, his power is so great, who could ever stand up to him and remain unpunished? He moves the mountains without their knowing it is his anger that brings them down! He shakes the earth, he tumbles the pillars that hold it up! He says to the Sun, ‘Do not rise!’, he sets a seal on the stars in the heavens! He and no other has stretched out the heavens and trampled on the back of the Sea! He has made the Bear and Orion, the Pleiades, and the Mansions of the South. He is the creator of unfathomable wonders, of marvels beyond the wildest imagination. (Pause.) He passes me by and I do not see him, he slips by, imperceptible to me. (Pause.) If he should want to steal, who would stop him? Who would dare ask him, ‘Why did you do that?’’
MAN A, MAN B AND MAN C (in chorus, to Woman D) Well, what’s the big deal?
MAN D Cry, my daughter, let it all out! Show your anger, your impotence, all those negative feelings that you nourish in your inner self…
WOMAN B (raising her head, wiping away her tears) Juvenal? What are you doing here?
MAN D I am here to help you to find your way. So that you may acknowledge the true essence of your inner self.
WOMAN B My inner self would be much better if you hadn’t forced me to live this kind of life! Always chasing, always looking for love and always being kicked around by others!
MAN D Security does not exist, Angela Maria, it is an illusion. Security lies within you, you have to be yourself, my dear, you must get to know yourself! Go to a beauty salon, my dear, have a course of ginseng and seaweed, look after yourself and your body, have some massage, if you don’t love yourself, who else will?
WOMAN B You’re telling me! But when we were married, I felt a little safer.
MAN D Illusions, my child, Angela Maria, those were only illusions! You must live your life to the full, without resenting your previous life, take all your desires on board, as well as your sexuality, which is that of a mature woman… (Pause. Woman B hides her face in her arm once more.) Go on, I’ll grant you two wishes!
WOMAN B Usually, it’s three. (Man D shakes his head in denial.) Take me with you, Juvenal, I’m so sick of this world!
MAN D That’s one gone.
WOMAN B Hey, that one didn’t count!
MAN D Come on, there’s one left!
Woman B Oh, I know you, Juvenal, you’ll manage to lumber me with things that I do not want or need!
MAN D You never accept what is given to you willingly and you always want more than you deserve. But work is work, a job is a job, and you still have one wish left.
WOMAN B Hey, let go of my hand! You selling encyclopaedias, or what?
(To the left, enter Woman E complete with wings; she struggles towards Man D, trying to move without breaking or spoiling her appendages.)
WOMAN E Come, my love, come! Come and rest your weary head on my breast! Night is falling already over the hills, the mighty Cyclops has already closed his eye beneath his heavy eyelid…
MAN D (to Woman E, who is still next to Woman B, getting more and more impatient) Not now, Ricardina Marta! Can’t you see I’m in the middle of a job? Wait for me outside.
(Woman E turns round and starts to make her way to where she came in.)
MAN D (to Woman B) That stubbornness will be your downfall, my girl! You must make the transference, or else we’ll be in a fine state. Speak, Angela Maria, speak, let it all out…
MAN B (to Woman C, in secret) Well, how about Saturday?
WOMAN C We’ll see. I don’t know if I can get away. We’re having drinks at Augustus’s.
MAN B I thought that was on Sunday.
WOMAN C Saturday or Sunday… I don’t know… I’ll see later… why don’t you call the other woman?
MAN B What other woman?
WOMAN C That other one… your weekday girlfriend.
MAN B I don’t have another girlfriend.
WOMAN C That’s a pity, you could do with one. It’s always good to have someone in reserve.
MAN B Shall I phone you on Friday?
WOMAN D (she gets up, picks up her stool and starts walking towards back right. Her back is turned to the audience, but she turns to them every time she speaks.) ‘Who am I to stand up to him, to argue against Him? Even if I were upright, I would not answer Him back! Better to plead for his mercy! And if he deigned to answer my call, I cannot believe he would listen to what I said. He can crush me easily and multiply my wounds for no reason. He wouldn’t let me regain my breath, but would fill me with bitterness. Should I try force? Look how strong he is! Or go to court? But who will summon him? If I prove myself upright, his mouth may condemn me! Even if I am innocent, he will pronounce me guilty. (Pause.) I am innocent! I no longer care what happens to me, it is life itself I despise, nothing matters to me any more! That is why I say: he destroys innocent and guilty alike. When a sudden deadly scourge descends, he laughs at the plight of the innocent. He placed the country in the power of the wicked and veiled the faces of its judges! (Pause.) Or, if not he, who then does all these things?
(When Woman D is about to leave on the right, Man D walks away from Woman B’s bed and watches Woman D. Man B looks at his watch and says goodbye to Man C with a handshake, to Woman C with a kiss; he leaves bed C and stands between bed C and bed B; Woman A ‘gets up’, walks behind the bed and stands between bed A and bed B, Man B and Woman A look at each other.)
MAN D (shouting at Woman D) It’s the mystery of suffering!
MAN B (to Woman B, pointing to Man D) Who’s the Big Bird?
WOMAN B It’s Juvenal.
MAN D (to Man B, pointing at Woman B) Well, what do you think?
MAN B (shrugging) Not bad, but she’s a bit of a pain. She’s always making a scene.
MAN D You must be more affectionate and try to understand her.
MAN B Why should I be more affectionate and understanding if she can’t be bothered either? (In a tell-tale tone.) She’s always complaining, she’s always accusing me of something or other, always blaming me for every single little thing.
MAN D What’s your name?
MAN B Mark Anthony, why?
MAN D Well now, Mark Anthony, you have to take this woman as she is and not as you’d like her to be; you must accept her and love her and respect her… towards one another, we must always be…
MAN B (interrupting, pointing to Woman A) Yes, I know all about that, but I’ve got things to do now. We’ll talk again some other time.
MAN D I have some wishes to grant you…
MAN B (who, having started to walk towards Woman A, stops dead in his tracks) Oh, yes? Wishes?
MAN D (suddenly enthusiastic at Man B’s show of interest) Anything you want that is within my power. Happiness, money, love, trips abroad, I can even tell you something about your future, should you be at all interested…
MAN B So you’re a kind of astrologer, are you? (He comes up to Man D.) Where will I be in ten years time?
MAN D (after pausing for thought) You will be here, right on this very spot. Just where your feet are now.
MAN B (looking down at his feet, thoughtfully) Right here?
MAN D Only you’ll be wearing other shoes.
MAN B Well, what about this wishes thing, how many do I get?
MAN D (regretfully) No more now, I’m afraid. Telling the future is the same as granting five wishes. You still owe me two.
MAN B Was that it, then? All this just to tell me that in ten years time I’ll be back here, but with another pair of shoes on?
WOMAN B It’s more than you deserve.
(Man D makes a gesture to calm them down. Then he turns to the audience, walks slowly to the front centre stage, goes to say something and opens his arms as though about to give a blessing, then he gives up, walking off stage, to the left.)
(Meanwhile, Woman A is about to throw herself at Man B and Man B holds out his arms to her.)
WOMAN A I am Lucinda.
MAN B I am Mark Anthony.
WOMAN B (turning around suddenly) Say no more!
MAN B Here I am.
(Woman B gets out of bed and walks towards Man A, who is alone. She walks behind the bed, then gets in. Woman C gets out of bed and looks furiously at Man B, hands on her hips; Man C sighs and turns his back to the scene.)
(Meanwhile, Man D enters again on the left, having made up his mind to speak. He stops as soon as he gets on stage and, brightly lit, he readies himself to deliver his sermon.)
(Curtain.)
THIRD INTERLUDE
(On stage are five women. Three of them are front left, sitting next to each other on a settee; the other two are centre right, one is lying in bed and the other is sitting at her feet, with her back to the audience.)
(In the centre, there is a large grandfather clock with its pendulum swinging.)
(The women on the settee are, from left to right, the Eleventh, Twelfth and Thirteenth; the Fourteenth is the one lying in bed and the Fifteenth is sitting at the foot of the bed.)
(Four men will appear briefly towards the end of the third interlude. These men are the First, Second, Third and Fourth.)
ELEVENTH I don’t know, I’d like to, but they’re so much work!
TWELFTH You can say that again! They turn your life completely upside down!
THIRTEENTH But they are so sweet! Especially when they’re tiny!
TWELFTH Then you can’t go anywhere. If you’ve no one to help, you’ve had it.
ELEVENTH That’s right. They’re so much work. And we’re both more or less settled in our way of life…
TWELFTH You’ll have no more weekends.
THIRTEENTH You won’t even be able to go to the cinema.
TWELFTH I must say I had a neighbour…
ELEVENTH Yes, you’re right, maybe I’d better not.
TWELFTH But they’re still the best little things in the world…
THIRTEENTH That’s for sure…
TWELFTH And to think that before it used to be quite normal, to get married and… (She stops in mid-sentence.)
ELEVENTH (looking at the Twelfth) It’s unbelievable, isn’t it?
FOURTEENTH It didn’t hurt at all.
FIFTEENTH (neutrally) So you said.
FOURTEENTH It hurt a bit to start with; but then I controlled myself, I started my breathing technique, and then it was all over. (Pause.) It was easy.
FIFTEENTH (she gets up and turns towards the Fourteenth) When are you going home?
THIRTEENTH Oh, I don’t think so at all. I think that men nowadays share much of the housework, they’re much more responsible…
TWELFTH (interrupting) Oh, I don’t think so at all! At least amongst those men I know, nothing has changed… one or other might try and do a little something in the house, when they’ve been nagged long enough, when they’ve been blackmailed a little, like ‘either you do the dishes or you won’t get any of the other…’
ELEVENTH There was a time when Mario and I would spend whole days like that. We’d have the most complicated arguments, the dining room table was just like a negotiating table… (They laugh.) We managed to make a rota, he would lay the table one day and I would do the cooking and he would wash up, and the next day we would swap, and it was all such a muddle. It turned out that on the days when he had most of the work to do, he’d get these unexpected invitations out to dinner, or have late-night meetings; I did my best to stick to our timetable, but of course the whole thing turned sour. And after a while we realised that either we put an end to the rota or our relationship wouldn’t last much longer.
TWELFTH I went through something like that too, I’ve been there too. Do you know how I solved the problem? I got a cleaning lady. It’s expensive, but it’s worth it.
THIRTEENTH You got a woman in to sort out the problem you had with a man… George, my partner, now he’s amazing that way. He won’t even let me into the kitchen… He does the laundry, the mending, he’s ever so tidy, he does all the cooking and the ironing…
TWELFTH Stop, you’re making me sick! What a perfect man! You’ll probably tell me now that he also plays the piano and speaks French too!
ELEVENTH He really is like that, I’ve met him. I’ve been to their house.
TWELFTH Tell me more!
THIRTEENTH You’re being a pain! A pain and a bore!
TWELFTH (laughing) Can’t you lend him to me at weekends? Or else let me hire him by the hour!
ELEVENTH It’s true, everything glistens, they have a beautiful house.
TWELFTH (looking at the Thirteenth, who is crestfallen, then at the Eleventh) You can tell me later. (To the Thirteenth.) I was only teasing, you know, you don’t have to take everything so seriously.
THIRTEENTH It’s because of women like you that things are as they are for women.
TWELFTH (to the Eleventh) Now what have I done?
ELEVENTH You know that Rafaella’s really touchy about this sort of thing. (Pause.) But has he arrived yet?
FOURTEENTH It didn’t hurt at all.
FIFTEENTH (standing, leaning on the headboard) So you said. (Pause. After a sigh.) When I went through it, I thought I was turning into a werewolf (looking at her hands) with my bones twisting out of shape… and I could feel my hips opening up… and I was changing into something else… into an animal… a she-wolf, something like that… I remember screaming… well, it wasn’t quite screaming… nor was it howling, it was more like bellowing, a sound like… I don’t know… like cows make, perhaps… (she ‘moos’)… a prehistoric kind of sound, quite uncivilized.
FOURTEENTH That’s because you didn’t do your ante-natal classes.
FIFTEENTH I always thought that pain and love were closely related. But I was wrong.
(The Fifteenth Woman walks alongside the bed, from one side to the other, slowly; the Fourteenth tries to find a comfortable position in bed.)
THIRTEENTH The Ozonizer. That’s what it is. It purifies the water, removes germs, so it’s actually good for the stomach, the liver, the bowels and for losing weight.
TWELFTH What’s it called?
ELEVENTH The Ozonizer. Do you really think it works?
TWELFTH If it’s good for losing weight, then I want one too.
THIRTEENTH It’s not that I’m overweight. My problem is cellulite.
TWELFTH Is that thingy also good for cellulite?
ELEVENTH What really does work is a kind of infusion just for cellulite.
TWELFTH (looking at the Grandfather clock) I’d need to put on a few pounds here. (She points to her bosom.) But I’m frightened of the operation, how do I know I’ll like them afterwards? And then I’ll have to carry them around in front of me, I think it might be a bit uncomfortable.
THIRTEENTH I think it’s so stupid to take a little bit from here and put it there, to plump this bit up, then empty that bit out. It’s just another kind of oppression, only this time, the women bring it on themselves, and on their own bodies, too!
TWELFTH My dear, you sound like a recording from the Seventies!
ELEVENTH But do you realize the Seventies are coming back into fashion? Both in the way we dress and in the way we think, they say it’s going to be pretty much the same sort of thing all over again. I read something about it just the other day.
FIFTEENTH Well, where’s Victor?
FOURTEENTH He’s had a lot to do in court. I haven’t seen him for a few days.
FIFTEENTH (ironically) I heard he wasn’t too well during your labour.
FOURTEENTH (seriously) Poor thing! He had told me it made him feel queasy, but I never thought…
ELEVENTH I don’t like it.
TWELFTH I do.
THIRTEENTH Well, it depends.
TWELFTH It’s only my opinion.
ELEVENTH Of course it’s your opinion.
TWELFTH Every one’s entitled to their own opinion, aren’t they?
THIRTEENTH It’s just that there are opinions and opinions.
TWELFTH (scornfully) And are you telling me perhaps that yours is worth more than mine?
ELEVENTH Not at all, everyone’s entitled to their own opinion. She thinks one way and you think another way, that’s all there is to it.
TWELFTH What gets to me is that she thinks she is always right!
THIRTEENTH That’s because I deal with facts, I base my opinions on concrete facts, I am able to prove them, I can argue in a rational way! All you lot say is ‘I adore this’, or ‘I loathe that’, but none of you has the slightest ability to make a critical judgement!
TWELFTH And you do, I suppose? You’re like an ecological tract, you always seem to be quoting something from a handbook, all you talk about is the Amazon, oil spillages, nuclear energy, all sorts of things that are happening miles and miles away and are nothing to do with us! You’re the one who cannot make a critical judgement!
ELEVENTH Oh, Rafaela, Mina is a little bit right! Sometimes you…
TWELFTH You see? It’s two against one straight away… we must be right then!
THIRTEENTH I’d rather talk about the Amazon than about your stuff and nonsense. And if being right depends on the number of people agreeing, and if majorities are always right, then I’ll shut up, so as not appear antidemocratic…
(The Fifteenth Woman sits down again at the foot of the bed, this time facing the audience.)
FOURTEENTH I really wasn’t expecting what happened! (Pause.) His face drained of all colour, he went all glassy-eyed, he was gasping for breath, ‘I think I’m going to faint, I think I’m going to faint’, then he was sick, nearly all over the nurse, he only just missed her… they sent him out of the room at once and I hadn’t even started pushing yet! Can you imagine how I felt! And I haven’t seen him since. He still hasn’t seen the baby.
FIFTEENTH (distractedly) Never mind, you’ll have forgotten all about it in a couple of weeks.
FOURTEENTH It was all my fault, I really shouldn’t have insisted he came. Women’s stuff is women’s stuff.
FIFTEENTH (ironically) You rushed things too much. First you should have shown him a chick hatching from an egg, then a baby bunny being born from the mummy bunny, then a calf being born and then later, when you thought he might be totally familiar with the process, bang!, that’s when you could have told him that you wanted him at the birth of your child.
FOURTEENTH (bitterly) You can laugh! The fact is that he has disappeared and I don’t even know if he is going to come and fetch me.
FIFTEENTH (contrite) You’re right.
TWELFTH I haven’t got patience to watch every day. The story doesn’t seem to be getting anywhere.
ELEVENTH Yes, but that’s because you don’t follow it every day. I think it’s very interesting.
TWELFTH And the men are all rather ugly.
THIRTEENTH That story really annoys me!
TWELFTH It seems that the one who plays Claudia has had some sort of nervous problem.
ELEVENTH So I heard. She’s married to Nelson, or she was, or something like that…
TWELFTH They’ve already split up. That’s why she was in a rest home… he left her for the one who plays Angelica.
THIRTEENTH Those things they print in magazines are all made up! Actors don’t even notice them, or else they’d spend their time suing for libel…
TWELFTH No, but it must be true, because I read the same story in other magazines! Nelson left Claudia for Angelica – besides, she is much prettier!
ELEVENTH She may not be prettier, but she is taller!
TWELFTH I’m sorry, but she does have beautiful eyes!
THIRTEENTH (moodily) And do you think he left the other one because this one was prettier?
TWELFTH No, it was because she was more concerned with the Amazon!
(The Eleventh and Twelfth laugh while the Thirteenth shrugs.)
FIFTEENTH What are the nurses like?
FOURTEENTH Some are nice, others are rough and ready, there are all sorts. But the food is good and everything is more or less clean…
FIFTEENTH (interrupting, suddenly livening up) But he is so cute… so pink… so perfect… with his little fingers… his tiny feet…
FOURTEENTH (smiling, all gooey) He is wonderful! And he’s so quiet, he’s such a little darling… He’s ready to go home, but now this thing has cropped up…
FIFTEENTH When will you get the test results?
THIRTEENTH This is what I do: I watch no more television after nine o’clock; I read a book quietly, or I play a game of Solitaire, or I just sit with my eyes closed. George massages my shoulders for me to relax, we play records quietly, Indian music, or something that doesn’t make too much noise and that helps us.
TWELFTH What a performance!
ELEVENTH I take a Valium, and Bob’s your uncle!
TWELFTH What I find hard is waking up at seven every morning, not the going to sleep bit! I could sleep on a clothes’ line
THIRTEENTH (who has been waiting her turn) … then I take a Valerian and Orange Blossom tablet, I do those breathing exercises I learnt at Yoga…
TWELFTH Have you ever tried warm milk and honey?
ELEVENTH It’s wonderful! But it only works if you’re already sleepy.
TWELFTH It would seem that what really works… (Pause. She breaks off. She looks at the grandfather clock.) It doesn’t usually take this long!
THIRTEENTH And I have things to do!…
(The Fourteenth tries to sit up in bed and the Fifteenth gets up to help her.)
FOURTEENTH No, it’s alright, leave it, I can manage.
FIFTEENTH (going up to her) You look awful! Haven’t you been sleeping?
FOURTEENTH There’s always noise at night, you know how it is. There is always someone awake, or moaning with pain, or calling the nurse, or breast-feeding, there’re always people stomping up and down the corridor. Sometimes they don’t even put the lights out.
FIFTEENTH But that’s awful! You need to rest!
FOURTEENTH I’ll rest later, when I get home.
FIFTEENTH And do you have anyone to help you? Do you want me to come and take you home?
THIRTEENTH But one should never do that!
TWELFTH (astonished) Why not?
ELEVENTH It seems they’ve found out that it’s harmful.
TWELFTH Harmful? Harmful to what?
THIRTEENTH Loads of studies have been carried out on that by the Americans — they even showed a programme about it on telly last week. Didn’t you see it?
TWELFTH (somewhat alarmed) No, no I didn’t see it. But what is it harmful to?
ELEVENTH They say it’s harmful to the environment. For the rivers and so on…
TWELFTH (relieved) God, you scared me! I thought it was something serious!
THIRTEENTH (excited) And I suppose that’s not serious Don’t you care about what could happen to our environment? Aren’t you worried about the future? Don’t you care about rivers, forests, the atmosphere… whales?
TWELFTH Whales?
ELEVENTH (looking to the left, off stage) Look, he’s arrived! (Off stage.) Hi! We were beginning to think you weren’t coming! (Pause.) No, it’s just a question of cutting it, it’ll be quick… OK. See you soon.
(On the right, after peeping in, enter the First Man. He remains back right, almost hidden by the curtain. The women all turn round to watch what’s going on with great interest.)
FIRST MAN My name is Bartolomeu Dias and I am a secondary school teacher. I’m doing exercises in formation. (He waves off stage, calling the other men who enter and bunch up behind him.)
SECOND MAN My name is Tristão Vaz Teixeira and I am a small to medium farmer.
THIRD MAN My name is Diogo Cão and I am a young man looking for his first job. I’ve just finished sixth form.
FOURTH MAN My name is Manuel Bernardes and two years ago I set up a medium-sized employment agency. I am a successful young businessman.
FIRST MAN All we want to do is to say how much we — as workers united in a single cause — support women’s struggles for freedom and equal rights… (All the men nod their heads vigorously. The First Man pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket.) I even have a few things written down here that I’d like to talk about… ‘My friends here and I…’
(Curtain.)
ACT THREE
Cast
HUGUINHO, Zézinho’s brother
ZÉZINHO
LUISINHO
COSTA, Felícia’s boyfriend
ANITA, the none too pretty birthday girl
FELÍCIA
BOLINHA, Anita’s cousin
MARTA, Felícia’s friend
MARGARIDA, Marta’s friend
(The third act takes place during a party. The room is festooned with balloons and other decorations, and across the stage is a banner which reads Happy Birthday Anita. On the left is a table with drinks and glasses, cakes and sandwiches; above, on the right, there is a wide open window; next to the window is a record player; there is a bookshelf holding books, there are chairs around the room and two settees front right.
The stage is in darkness and when the lights go on, all the actors — four women and four men — shout out, Surprise! Surprise! facing the audience, and they throw confetti and streamers; they are wearing funny hats and false noses with moustaches and glasses and they make a huge racket with rattlers and blowers.
The men are wearing brand-new clothes from head to toe, they are very trendy and pretentiously at ease; the women are all dolled up, with intricate dresses and much gold jewellery, high-heeled shoes and elaborate hairdos — all except for Margarida who is dressed in an entirely futuristic manner with metallic bits, all very impractical, but very showy.)
ALL Surprise! Surprise!
ANITA (entering on the right, surprised and delighted) Oh, a surprise party!
(They all come up to Anita and congratulate her.)
HUGUINHO You weren’t expecting this, were you?
ANITA Not at all. A surprise party!
(They all move away from Anita and remove their hats, which they leave all over the place.)
ANITA (to no one in particular) May I put a hat on too? (She picks up one of the hats that has been left on the table by someone and puts it on, thrilled to bits; she points to the decorations.) When did you do all this?
ZÉZINHO I think I can take my jacket off now, it’s damned hot!
HUGUINHO (going up to the table) What shall we drink to start with?
LUISINHO (behind him) A gin and tonic for me.
HUGUINHO Nothing like starting with a bang. Where is it?
ZÉZINHO I don’t think we bought any gin.
HUGUINHO Hey, that’s not on!
ANITA When did you do all this? I never noticed a thing!
HUGUINHO Luisinho, you’d better see what there is, or we’ll be standing here all night long.
ZÉZINHO Ladies first, you bore!
FELÍCIA (leaving the circle the girls were in until then, and coming up to the boys) I should think so too! We are hungry and thirsty, and no one is paying us any attention!
ANITA Would you like to listen to some music? (She goes towards the back and rummages amongst the records. Bolinha goes with her.)
FELÍCIA Costa, don’t you want to eat anything?
COSTA (who is engrossed in reading the titles of the books on the bookshelf) You start, I’ll be along in a minute.
HUGUINHO (to Luisinho, who chooses a drink) Well, you never turned up?
LUISINHO I was thinking of dropping by next week. Would that be alright with you?
HUGUINHO At what time?
LUISINHO I don’t know. What’s the best time to catch you?
HUGUINHO (putting his arm round Luisinho’s shoulders in a paternal gesture) Any time. If I’m not there, just wait a bit, I won’t be long. Then I’ll take you upstairs to meet the bosses, and you’ll be on your way.
LUISINHO I’ll go next week. I’ll definitely turn up next week. Around eleven o’clock. (When Huguinho starts to walk off.) Thanks, mate.
(Felícia has taken a slice of cake, walks towards Costa and gives it to him to eat. Anita has finally chosen a noisy record, but protests are heard all round; she removes the record.)
MARGARIDA (to Marta, pointing at Huguinho) Who on earth is he?
MARTA Who?
MARGARIDA Him over there, standing next to the one with a moustache. I feel I know him from somewhere.
MARTA You know, after a certain age we always feel we’ve met everyone somewhere.
MARGARIDA It’s nothing to do with age. He was a fellow student at University with me, or something like that, but now he’s got no beard or glasses… What’s his name?
MARTA They call him Huguinho. I don’t know if it’s his real name or his nickname. If you like, we can ask Felícia.
MARGARIDA Costa is a little quiet…
MARTA Felícia dragged him along, as usual. He’ll soon go away, if I know him.
MARGARIDA (adjusting her dress) These metal bits are cutting into me…
MARTA What made you wear your metals here? I told you it was a casual do. (She goes over to the table.) Ouch, these shoes!
(Felícia moves away from Costa and walks around the room until she bumps into Margarida who is centre stage, watching Marta’s movements. Huguinho, Zézinho and Luisinho, having helped themselves to food and drink, gather front left and start chatting.)
FELÍCIA That dress is amazing! Where did you buy it?
MARGARIDA I designed it myself, it’s one of my favourites. Isn’t it lovely?
FELÍCIA Wonderful! But don’t those metal bits hurt you?
MARGARIDA Not at all! They’re made of flexible anodised aluminium…
FELÍCIA Oh, I see. And has it sold well?
MARGARIDA I am networking at the moment… but you know that my clothes are not very commercial… I’m more interested in shapes, materials, textures, the play of light and shadow… it’s a kind of sculpture…
FELÍCIA Of course, of course, that’s what matters most of all when one’s trying to be creative… aren’t you eating anything, can I get you a drink?
MARGARIDA Yes, a gin and tonic, if you wouldn’t mind. (When Felícia tries to move away.) I was wondering if that one over there, the fair-haired one, had been to University with me. What’s his name?
FELÍCIA (shouting) Hey, Huguinho, hey Zézinho, come over here, darlings, this won’t do at all, men one side, women the other! You great wallies!
HUGUINHO (coming up) We were over there outlining our strategy.
ZÉZINHO And pulling straws to see who would end up with Anita…
HUGUINHO Luisinho pulled the short straw, we all know how unlucky he is… do you remember that time he was stuck in the lift…
ZÉZINHO With two Jehovah’s Witnesses, who sent him round the bend for three hours, until the power was restored…
FELÍCIA What do mean, three hours? It was much longer than that!… The poor bloke came out of that lift baptized and well on his way to salvation!
MARGARIDA I didn’t know they baptized people too…
FELÍCIA Nor did I. All I know is that Luisinho became unbearable…
HUGUINHO We even had to take drastic measures. We took him out to dinner, and what with a little drink here and a little drink there, we got him so drunk that by four o’clock in the morning he had denounced, not only the Jehovah’s Witnesses, but all religions and all sects.
(They are all standing in a circle in the centre. Luisinho is quite shy, the others are all in a party mood, when Anita and Bolinha join them.)
ANITA I thought I heard someone mention my name…
HUGUINHO We were saying that you look much younger, that no one would believe you will be fifty next year…
(They all laugh.)
FELÍCIA (to Huguinho) Margarida thinks she was at University with you.
MARGARIDA Were you reading Law?
HUGUINHO I was, yes, that’s right. What year? I don’t remember you. You weren’t dressed like that, otherwise I’m sure I’d have noticed you.
FELÍCIA You idiot! He’s so rude!
HUGUINHO I was teasing. That’s allowed between friends. (To Margarida.) Did you finish your course?
MARGARIDA No, I still have a few course-units to do… it all became a crushing bore, so I decided to do design and make a career of it.
ZÉZINHO My brother has done some modelling in his time…
(They all laugh, except for Margarida and Marta who do not understand the private joke.)
MARGARIDA Really?
HUGUINHO (somewhat embarrassed) It’s nothing, just something that happened during Carnival… Why do you have to bring it up all the time?
FELÍCIA Bring it up all the time? I think this is the first time we’ve ever mentioned the episode of the gay chicken model…
(They all laugh, especially Zézinho..)
ZÉZINHO Trussed up on the floor… blind drunk… he could barely open his eyes… and then he sicked up his stuffing all over the carpet…
HUGUINHO (not amused) And they had to take photos of it all happening! If I ever find out who took them….
ANITA You’d better say what music you want or else we’ll never get started…
HUGUINHO (unkindly) Why don’t you sing, at least we’d have a few laughs!
ZÉZINHO (smoothly) Put on anything you like, it’s your birthday after all.
(Bolinha and Anita go back to the record player and Costa joins the circle, reluctantly.)
FELÍCIA (taking him by the arm and leaning against him) Costa has got a job in Brussels.
MARTA Hey, that’s great! When are you leaving?
COSTA I don’t know yet. Maybe next year.
HUGUINHO Are they hard to come by, those EEC jobs?
COSTA They have been easier, but now everything is getting full.
ZÉZINHO A friend of mine went over there. He hung around for a while, he had no proper job, now, the last time we met, he was earning 5K month, plus trips and all those other facilities they provide for their civil servants and he’ll obviously never come back here. He’s already bought a house, a car…
LUISINHO Still, it’s always raining over there. Do you know how many rainy days there are a year in Brussels?
HUGUINHO To hell with the rain, the people don’t work in the open air!
MARTA Oh, I’d hate it! It doesn’t bear thinking about! I’m nothing without the sun. And things are different in the South, there are Southern values, friendship, love, parties…
ZÉZINHO (teasing) Yes, that’s right, they have no idea about love, friendship or parties up north… they all go around sulking…
MARTA I’m sorry, but it’s true. They are much colder than us and all they do is work non-stop. Their lives are quite moronic. You can go for a walk at 10 o’clock at night and there will be no one in the street. I remember once, in Florence, that…
MARGARIDA (interrupting) And the Belgians are supposed to be quite thick…
MARTA That’s what the French say. The Belgians are to them as the Irish are to the English, like the people from the Alentejo are to us here in Lisbon…
(Anita and Bolinha have put on an unusual instrumental record and have returned to the group.)
BOLINHA I’d love to go and live in Germany for a few months… they are experiencing such… such incredible times…
FELÍCIA I detest the Germans! I adore the British!
BOLINHA The Germans are very efficient. Everything they do they do well.
FELÍCIA They’re brutes! And they’re dangerous!
HUGUINHO It’s the British that are brutes! Look at the football, for instance! They only go to matches to get into fights. The Germans have an excellent team and don’t need that kind of shit.
FELÍCIA But the players aren’t responsible for their fans!
HUGUINHO They’re English! All those refined Brits that you see in films, they just don’t exist any more!
MARGARIDA I love the French. They are so refined! I know a couple that live in Paris, they are both lovely. She’s a model, she’s beautiful…
FELÍCIA The French are horrendous. I spent a few days holiday in Paris, and I hated it. They’re all stuck up and completely racist. I saw people fainting in the street from hunger and old drunkards having fits and going all purple in the face, and no one even stopped to look. Until a police van came along…
MARGARIDA Those are the clochards, they are part of Paris, that’s just the way things are. I also saw loads of them sleeping in the metro, it’s like their home. It’s better than over here, where the wretched people have to sleep in the street or wherever.
ZÉZINHO It’s not quite like that.
MARGARIDA It’s not quite like that?
ZÉZINHO Of course not! There’s an awful lot of exaggeration about Portuguese wretchedness. We like to think that we are very poor, that we are the poor relations, that we live in the arsehole of Europe. But all I see is longer traffic queues… and people everywhere…
HUGUINHO The Renault 5… every Portuguese citizen deserves one!
LUISINHO They’re offering great discounts at the moment!
(They all stop to look at Luisinho who smiles gingerly.)
LUISINHO It’s true!
ZÉZINHO … and then there are people at the Amoreiras Shopping Centre buying all there is on offer at greatly inflated prices and loads of people everywhere, on holidays, on weekend breaks, spending loads of money…
FELÍCIA But that doesn’t mean there aren’t any shanty towns and homeless people and people who know what hunger is all about!…
ZÉZINHO Come on, that’s just like everywhere else! Do you know how many millions of destitute there are in the States? And how many poor there are in Europe? I don’t understand why you all talk about Portugal as though it were the only country with this problem!
COSTA I even heard that a committee has been set up to study the matter.
ZÉZINHO Of course there has! And not only here — on the contrary, it’s an idea that we have copied from elsewhere. Because in Europe, instead of the sentimentalism and petty complaining displayed by the Portuguese, the governments create structures that study the problem in depth in order to have solid facts about given situations…
HUGUINHO And they lined their pockets with EEC funds and a few more jobs for party members!
MARTA But do you know who amazes me? The Greeks! Last year I went to Athens and I was expecting to see something quite primitive, along the lines of Morocco: heat, flies, filth; sullen, badly dressed people, the kind that hang around café tables begging and exposing their sores; but in the end it was wonderful. The city is beautiful, the hotel was squeaky clean, there was a swimming-pool and the people were totally civilized and extremely friendly… I was really impressed. Of course there were also those rather typical things for us to see, but we only took in one or two of them, and we went for a walk in the Old Town, which is beautiful but quite dilapidated, like our own Alfama over here…
ZÉZINHO Is that what you mean by enjoying the values of the South? You must be joking! What about the sun, friendship, love and festivals? Why did you go to Athens? You didn’t see anything, you didn’t meet anybody, you didn’t understand anything, I bet you shut yourselves up in your squeaky clean hotel and sunbathed! You could have gone to the Algarve for that!
MARTA We met a Danish couple and two really cute German girls, Sybil and Ute, and we went everywhere, not like what you’re thinking at all! But there’s no point telling you if we’re going to argue about it!
ZÉZINHO No, but what can I do, I really cannot understand people who only travel in order to stay in the same place after all!
FELÍCIA But tell me, have you ever even been anywhere? Or is it only Badajoz that you know well?
ZÉZINHO I have, and I do know Badajoz well, and it is really nice if you don’t go there just for shopping and if you take the trouble to see what matters, things that aren’t for tourists, like the wine shops, the taverns, the real Flamenco houses!
FELÍCIA Flamenco in Badajoz? Well I never!
ZÉZINHO If you go there with a tour or on a tourist excursion, you never get to see anything that really matters. You have to leave the beaten track.
FELÍCIA But where else have you ever been, go on, tell me! I’d really like to know!
ZÉZINHO I don’t know… last year I went to Toledo… the year before that I did Andorra, Barcelona, the entire coastline down to Alicante, then Seville…
MARGARIDA But that’s all in Spain! That doesn’t count!
ZÉZINHO It doesn’t matter where you go, just how you go!
HUGUINHO Yes, especially for someone who doesn’t go anywhere!
COSTA It also matters how you stay somewhere!
ZÉZINHO No but seriously, I think it would be totally ridiculous for me to go off to Athens or wherever the hell she went, just to stay in a first-class hotel full of Danes and Germans, to go to the cradle of Western civilisations, the place with the most history in Europe, if not in the whole world, and be amazed by the fact that they are no longer in the Stone Age! I’d rather stay at home or go to the Algarve…
MARTA Going to the Algarve is like going to England or Germany, it’s that full of foreigners!
HUGUINHO It has all the advantages of staying in Portugal and all the advantages of being abroad, and all together at the seaside.
ZÉZINHO I can’t see what advantages…
HUGUINHO The talent, brother, it’s crawling with English talent!
FELÍCIA Don’t tell me you’re still into all that, Huguinho! It was all of twenty or thirty years ago when boys emigrated to the Algarve because of all the foreign women…
ZÉZINHO Some things never go out of fashion.
MARGARIDA I think there ought to be a solution and that we could come to a compromise of some sort. One mustn’t just stay in the hotel, but one must also make the effort of going to visit all the little churches, all the old stones, all the museums..
MARTA Remember it was August and the temperature was nearly 40°C! Who on earth can walk around in that heat, visiting museums, especially as there’s never any air-conditioning!
ZÉZINHO In Spain, for instance…
FELÍCIA Please, Zézinho, not Spain!
ZÉZINHO But what’s wrong with Spain? You probably think it’s still about chewy toffees and buying everything dirt cheap, don’t you? They have rea a level of development and a life-style that we can’t even begin to dream about!
FELÍCIA Well, that’s just a trick of theirs! When I go through Spain, I see as much misery as ever… What they have discovered is publicity!
MARTA I cannot bear the smell of their cigarettes!
MARGARIDA And they don’t understand Portuguese, they are as thick as two short planks!
ZÉZINHO The French don’t speak Portuguese either, yet you think they’re so refined!
MARGARIDA That’s not the same thing!
ZÉZINHO It’s not the same thing only because you know a couple in France, and she’s a model and very beautiful with it and he’s probably a designer and goes about wearing bits of plastic buckets!
FELÍCIA You’re a true Scorpio! Always a sting in the tail!
MARTA Oh, is he a Scorpio?
ZÉZINHO And what’s wrong with Scorpios?
MARTA There’s nothing wrong with Scorpios… Cancerians are awful! My mother and my cousin Guga are Cancerians and they’re as weird as anything. And all my relationships with Cancer men ended badly.
HUGUINHO You conduct your relationships according to your men’s birth-signs?
MARTA Depends. What’s your birth-sign?
HUGUINHO I was born in the thirteenth month.
MARTA You idiot! I bet you’re a Saggitarian, with that cheeky grin of yours.
HUGUINHO (pretending to be amazed) How did you ever guess?
MARGARIDA But Cancerians tend to be very friendly. They have an incredible amount of charm, but they’re inconsistent because they’re a water sign.
FELÍCIA Just like Pisceans, they never know what they want…
LUISINHO I’m Pisces. I’ve never really understood what people base all this stuff about birth-signs on. I find it all a bit hard to swallow.
FELÍCIA No offence, Luisinho, but Pisceans tend to be great big wallies, amorphous, fickle, reserved…
HUGUINHO Always spouting forth…
FELÍCIA Now, what really matters is the ascendant. What is your ascendant?
ZÉZINHO I think that’s a load of old cobblers, made up especially for women’s magazines.
MARTA It’s actually a very ancient science and has nothing at all to do with women’s magazines. It looks at the way different energies act in a given context, how they affect people…
ZÉZINHO But how can stars that are millions of light-years away from Earth affect my behaviour or the kind of person I am?
MARTA Western science is only a few centuries old, the old science…
HUGUINHO (interrupting) Is older!
FELÍCIA Stop mucking about, you’re being unbearable! Can’t we have a normal conversation?
MARTA There are other systems of understanding beyond what appears logical to us! We cannot explain everything logically!
LUISINHO That’s right, not that long ago my father was telling me that we only use 10% of our brains!
HUGUINHO You certainly use less than 10%, Luisinho!
MARTA People want to explain everything through logic because they are afraid of the unknown that lies inside them and connects them to the universe and to things that are beyond them!
FELÍCIA I am tired of standing, let’s go and sit down.
BOLINHA What about the cake, when are we going to sing ‘Happy Birthday’?
(They all go off looking for chairs, then they gather round to the left, some sit on the floor, some on the settees, others on the arms of the settees, everyone has a drink and a cigarette. Margarida remains standing.)
FELÍCIA (dropping into the settee) Anita, darling, why don’t you take that racket off? Play something Portuguese!
HUGUINHO, ZÉZINHO, LUISINHO, MARTA, MARGARIDA No, don’t!
FELÍCIA Fado, fado!
ANITA (getting up) Make up your minds!
COSTA (resigned) It’s majority rule, we are in a democracy after all!
FELÍCIA Even if it is a majority of snobs and idiots!
HUGUINHO But they are idiots who have the right to vote!
FELÍCIA The person is yet to be born who can convince me that majority rule is better than minority rule!
ZÉZINHO You fascist!
MARTA Except that in a democracy you can say what you jolly well want to, including that democracy is government by idiots, and in a totalitarian state, you can’t say anything at all!
ANITA (still standing and waiting) Well?
ZÉZINHO But you’re right up to a certain point. Something isn’t necessarily good just because the majority thinks so. In a democracy there is a kind of tyranny of the little people.
HUGUINHO What a pair!
COSTA I don’t entirely agree. The great value of democracy, after all, at least it seems to me, lies in the fact that all social and professional groups have the right to express themselves. Therefore, there are no longer great people or little people, instead there are great people and little people, but there is room for all.
HUGUINHO Even though there is more room for some than for others…
LUISINHO I think there are too few political parties. There ought to be more.
COSTA I grant that this isn’t the best of all worlds, yet I cannot see any other system, apart from democracy, that could create a society where the distribution of wealth is fairer.
ZÉZINHO What do you mean, distribution of wealth? No one wants to give away their wealth willingly! That’s Utopian! I am completely liberal when it comes to economics, politics and all the rest: it’s the law of the jungle and that’s just how things should be!
FELÍCIA (mocking) You wild animal, you!
HUGUINHO Capitalism is a great invention!
ZÉZINHO It’s alright for you to laugh, but look at what happened in the East! They’re eating out of our hands! They had to convert or die…
COSTA That is one huge market just waiting for us.
HUGUINHO At least some people will get by…
MARTA And others will be unemployed!
FELÍCIA I for one have nothing against unemployment… I think people work too much.
HUGUINHO Indeed, if they could stop eating, they wouldn’t need to go on working.
MARGARIDA In other countries they pay good money on the dole. I wouldn’t mind in that case either.
HUGUINHO I’d mind, I’d have to work to keep you!
ANITA Well!
Luisinho Play some hip-hop!
ANITA I’m going to put on some Tracy Chapman!
(Huguinho has a coughing fit that almost chokes him.)
FELÍCIA I say, old chap! You were going quite blue!
HUGUINHO It’s this bloddy tobacco!
MARGARIDA Why don’t you stop smoking, it’s just another drug!
ZÉZINHO (raising his glass) This is a drug too!
MARGARIDA But didn’t you see the state he was in just now? It’s obviously doing him a lot of harm!
ZÉZINHO If you spend a few hours in the Baixa, the effect is the same as if you had smoked sixty cigarettes!
FELÍCIA That’s true! The Baixa is unbearable! Anyway, traffic is bad everywhere!
MARTA A few days ago I decided to drive from Picoas to Campo Grande at four o’clock in the afternoon, do you know how long it took? Two hours! Two hours! Never again!
FELÍCIA It’s true, you can’t go on the streets any more.
ZÉZINHO There are too many people, too many cars, too little public transport!
FELÍCIA And if there were any, do you think the average person would give up the comfort of his car and stand on the bus with others like him?
ZÉZINHO Why not?
COSTA It is essential to create good infra-structures. Otherwise we’ll never get anywhere.
LUISINHO You can say that again!
HUGUINHO Not only will we not get anywhere, but it’ll take forever to get there!
(They all laugh.)
ZÉZINHO That’s a good one, brother. You’re loosening up, soon we’ll you might give us a fashion show!
HUGUINHO Get lost! This time I’m watching out for whoever’s the bugger who’s taking pictures when people make a fool of themselves…
(Felícia is about to say something, but Zézinho makes a sign and she stops.)
FELÍCIA Anita, darling, take that screeching black woman off, I can’t listen to any more! Yeah, yeah, yeah, it’s always the same thing!
LUISINHO It is a little monotonous, but what she has to say is very important.
FELÍCIA And you understand what she is saying?
LUISINHO I can’t grasp all of it. But I think the lyrics are written on the inside cover of the record.
ANITA (getting up) I would be better if you could all agree once and for all about what you want to listen to!
HUGUINHO (to Margarida) Would you like to sit down?
MARGARIDA I like standing.
HUGUINHO I’ll go and put on something we can all dance to.
MARGARIDA With all these lights on?
HUGUINHO That’s no problem, we’ll turn them all off…
FELÍCIA I must say I feel like jumping around a bit… how about you, Costa?
(Huguinho gets up and goes over to the record player.)
COSTA If you like, but I think we may have trouble with the neighbours.
LUISINHO You’re right, it’s gone ten…
FELÍCIA Oh, isn’t it only after midnight that it matters? One day we’ll be like Switzerland, where you can’t flush the loo on the fourth floor without your neighbour on the ground floor ringing up the police and complaining about the racket!
ZÉZINHO You do exaggerate!
FELÍCIA It’s true! A cousin of mine who lived there many years ago told me so!
MARTA This isn’t Switzerland, nor will it ever be. As long as there are Portuguese people, partying will always go on to well after midnight!
COSTA I don’t actually know what the letter of the law is, whether it is after ten or after midnight.
MARGARIDA Is there a law about such things?
MARTA (laughing) It’s like enforced curfew!
LUISINHO Everyone has their own philosophy! (They all stare at Luisinho.) Don’t they?
MARTA (dreamily) Everyone has their own philosophy, that’s for sure.
ZÉZINHO There’s a minor detail which we always tend to forget. And that’s that people in Switzerland and other countries do actually work, whereas in Portugal, people only work when there is nothing else to do.
MARTA And that’s curious in itself… because it is only in Portugal that the Portuguese don’t work; when they’re abroad, everyone says that they’re splendid examples of overseas workers…
ZÉZINHO That was before!
FELÍCIA They work themselves to their graves just to be able to buy their own house in their blessed birthplaces.
MARGARIDA Last year at Easter I travelled round the North and I was quite horrified by the emigrants’ houses. It’s a phenomenon that simply cannot be explained.
ZÉZINHO Maybe you prefer the Amoreiras Shopping Centre… (They all laugh.)
MARTA It’s already a part of Lisbon, it’s become a symbol of the city.
LUISINHO It took me a while to get used to it, but now I actually quite like it.
FELÍCIA I am tired of sitting down, I feel like moving around a bit.
(Huguinho has put on a melancholy piece of music, dimmed the lights and come up to Margarida.)
HUGUINHO Shall we have a go, my friend?
ZÉZINHO (to Felícia, referring to Huguinho) The kid’s always up to something.
(Felícia gets up and grabs Costa by the arm; they join Huguinho and Margarida who are dancing back left. Marta and Zézinho remain seated, somewhat shy, looking at their glasses. Luisinho gets up to go to the table, he helps himself to a drink and some food and stares into the distance, leaning against the table. Bolinha gets up to join Anita who is standing by the window.)
COSTA He says he won the Nobel prize!
FELÍCIA But who is he? I’ve never heard of him!
COSTA I don’t know. I only know he won the prize.
FELÍCIA It’s probably some poor bloke from the third world, they’ll have given him the prize to help him forget he’s hungry, poor thing! Like that Egyptian or Turk, whatever he was, who wrote whopping great novels and that no one had ever heard of! And there are some really well-known ones who have never won anything, for purely political reasons!
COSTA Listen, what’s this about some photographs that were taken of Huguinho? He gets really uptight whenever the subject gets mentioned!
FELÍCIA Leave it, I’ll tell you later.
ZÉZINHO Have you known Felícia long?
MARTA Well, we’ve lived in the same block of flats ever since we were kids, but we never got on. Then we happened to go to the same school and we’ve been friends ever since. Isn’t that a coincidence!
ZÉZINHO What school? When you were kids? I don’t understand.
MARTA (explaining slowly) No, we have always lived in the same block of flats, but we didn’t really know each other. Then we went to teach in the same school in Cacém which also happened to be miles away from home, and there we got to know each other.
ZÉZINHO Oh, I see!
MARTA How about you?
ZÉZINHO Me?
MARTA Yes, you, how long have you and Felícia been friends?
ZÉZINHO Oh, we went out together for a while and then we belonged to the same group of friends, even when we weren’t together any more.
MARTA That’s funny. She’s never mentioned you before…
ZÉZINHO It was many years ago… when we were kids…
MARTA I like her very much. She is great fun, she’s so full of life and such a laugh…
ZÉZINHO (not too convinced) Yeah, she’s great. Shall we dance for a bit?
(Marta gets up and follows Zézinho up to the others; Huguinho has made some progress and is stroking Margarida’s hair, under the mocking gazes of Felícia and Costa. Just when Zézinho and Marta are ready to dance, the music stops.)
ZÉZINHO Just when we were about to get going!
FELÍCIA Anita, put something on to liven things up a bit!
(Anita chooses another record, under Bolinha’s watchful eye; when the music starts, Zézinho shrugs and sits back down again, followed by Marta; they return to where they were sitting before; Huguinho and Margarida go up to the table and help themselves to drinks and nibbles, chatting the whole time, Huguinho with his back turned to the audience and Margarida facing him; Felícia is dancing alone, happily contorting herself, while Costa looks at her sadly, trying to keep up with her dancing; after putting the record on, Anita leans on the windowsill; Bolinha joins her and they both have their backs towards the group, looking out. Luisinho is alone front left, vaguely trying out some dance steps, hands in his pockets.)
BOLINHA I don’t understand why you won’t tell him.
ANITA Why should I? You can see he’s not in the least bit interested.
BOLINHA You have to make yourself noticed.
ANITA This is why I hate parties. Huguinho always ends up all over someone else, with me simply looking on.
BOLINHA What do you expect him to do?
ANITA Nothing really. I just hate parties. I don’t even understand how people can enjoy themselves at parties… it’s all so contrite…
BOLINHA Look at Felícia…
ANITA Felícia is always alright, she’s just a fool..
HUGUINHO But don’t you believe in God.
MARGARIDA What can I say? I believe that there is a superior force… something or other… or perhaps it’s just a human invention… a part of our imaginary…
HUGUINHO You think that God is an invention?
MARGARIDA He must have been once. There are loads of people who represent their gods in human form, which means that God is an image invented in the likeness of Man.
HUGUINHO Well who created all this then?
MARGARIDA Science can explain all that.
HUGUINHO How can science explain creation?
MARGARIDA I don’t really know.
HUGUINHO (dreamily) You know, I think about this sort of thing sometimes and have some amazing visions; at night, when I look at the stars, at the vastness of the universe, I feel… I don’t know… almost insignificant. At times like that I find myself wondering who created all this, what it is I am doing here, what is the meaning of my life…
MARGARIDA (tenderly) I didn’t realise you were such a philosopher…
HUGUINHO (shyly) Sometimes people are not what they seem… we all have to put on a mask and pretend we are something we are not…
MARGARIDA But why?
HUGUINHO Just imagine that I was having this conversation with all of them instead of just with you… they would have been making fun of me, calling me stupid, and I would have got annoyed by now.
MARGARIDA (after a pause) Do you think people can change?
HUGUINHO How do you mean?
MARGARIDA Change… being one thing then becoming something else…
HUGUINHO What, do you mean like that bloke who woke up one morning to find that he had been changed into a cockroach or a grasshopper or whatever it was?
MARGARIDA No, I mean to change during the course of one’s life… to not always be the same…
HUGUINHO I think I change every day.
MARGARIDA But deep down you’re still the same?
HUGUINHO Well, I still look the same, but I am getting older, so it’s different… (Pause.) I don’t see what you’re trying to get at.
MARTA (to Zézinho) It’s the oldest tower in Europe!
ZÉZINHO No, it isn’t.
MARTA Well, which is it then?
ZÉZINHO I don’t know! I don’t go around dating towers! But the oldest one is probably the Tower of London or something like that.
MARTA But that’s not even a tower!
(Felícia has tired of dancing and has come to sit down, leaving Costa stranded; then Costa too joins Marta and Zézinho; Huguinho and Margarida leave discreetly to the right, holding hands, watched by Anita and Bolinha who then go and join the others, sitting on the floor next to each other. Luisinho puts an end to his isolation by walking towards the group, standing next to them; he faces the audience, his arms crossed.)
FELÍCIA Gee! I’m getting old! I used to be able to dance for fifty hours in a row and still be fresh as a daisy, now all it takes is a couple of twirls and I collapse in a heap.
BOLINHA When are we going to sing ‘Happy Birthday’? I have to go home early because I am working tomorrow.
ZÉZINHO Do you know, I’ve started to feel my age too. Not that long ago I was still able to burn the candle at both ends, but now… I can’t anymore. Things just don’t seem to be worth the trouble any longer.
MARTA What you must do is stay young at heart. (They all laugh.)
ZÉZINHO Someone always says something like that at this stage of the proceedings.
MARTA Yes, but is it true or not?
ZÉZINHO I wouldn’t know, as you can tell I am no longer young at heart.
FELÍCIA You never have been.
ZÉZINHO Oh, haven’t I?
FELÍCIA You have always been a bad-tempered old sod, ever since you were a child, ever since I’ve known you.
ZÉZINHO A bad tempered old sod, you reckon? I see!
FELÍCIA A bad-tempered, stubborn and contrary-minded old sod! I’ll never forget that time when you made such a fuss about my going to a party in a red dress and a pony-tail.
ZÉZINHO What do you mean, such a fuss? I don’t even remember what you’re talking about!
FELÍCIA And to top it all you can’t remember a thing! You called me every name under the sun, even a tart! (Pause.) In any case, you can see what I mean. All you have to do is come in to a room and you at once start arguing with everyone. When I got here, you were pestering Marta.
MARTA We were only chatting…
ZÉZINHO (getting up, hurt) Right, I’m going to get a drink…
MARTA (getting up, to Felícia) What was that all about?
(She goes over to Zézinho.)
FELÍCIA I’m glad we’re not staying here much longer!
COSTA Do you want to go right now? Without singing ‘Happy Birthday’?
FELÍCIA I mean going to Brussels, silly! I’m talking about Brussels! I am sick and tired of Portugal, and of Lisbon, and of all this! I need to get some fresh air!
COSTA (very cautiously) But Felícia, I’m not sure my salary will be enough for both of us… they don’t pay too well at first…I don’t have anywhere to live yet or anything… (Felícia stares at him, stunned, ready to explode)… don’t be like that… you can come and visit me afterwards, when I’m more settled… I’m not even sure I’m going yet… I don’t even know how much I’ll be earning… you know that all the best jobs have been taken… Felícia… (Felícia leaps up.) I don’t even know when I’m going… it’ll only be next year… don’t be like that…
(Felícia goes up to the table to get herself a drink; she leans against the table, throwing back her drinks with determination, purposefully turned towards Costa who looks helplessly at her. Huguinho and Margarida enter on the left. She is slightly dishevelled, with some metal bits out of place and Huguinho smoothes his hair back into place with his hands. Margarida goes towards Zézinho and Marta, and Huguinho sits next to Costa, Luisinho, Bolinha and Anita.)
HUGUINHO (to Anita) Well, gal?
ANITA (smiling) I’m still here!
HUGUINHO (patting her on the head) Everything alright? (Anita shrugs and bows her head.) It’s your birthday neurosis, isn’t it? We’re no longer of an age when birthdays are fun.
ANITA Because of the presents.
HUGUINHO And the party food.
ANITA And the party games with the other kids.
HUGUINHO I remember once when Zézinho and I were sent home… we almost drowned the birthday girl… she had long, immaculate ringlets and we thought they were so silly that we got it into our heads to wash her hair… only she fell in the bath!
(Zézinho and Marta walk away from Margarida who remains by the table, and they go the window.)
BOLINHA How awful!
ANITA Then what?
HUGUINHO There were screams, tears, crying, it was a huge scandal, we stopped being invited anywhere for a while, but in time it was all forgotten. We were a pair of brats, I’m amazed we’re such normal adults… (He looks at Zézinho.)… at least, I am… (They all smile. To Anita.) We must have lunch some time this week, and have a chat… I have some things to tell you…
ANITA OK. How about Tuesday?
ZÉZINHO But are you still married to him?
MARTA Oh, you know how it is, half married, half separated… he spends some time at home… then he goes off again… (Pause.) The trouble is, he’s gone thingy…
ZÉZINHO Thingy?
MARTA He has always had homosexual tendencies and he never made a secret about it, but now he has finally made his choice and decided to be bisexual.
ZÉZINHO And doesn’t it bother you?
MARTA It’s just that we’re very fond of one another, you know. He’s a very sensitive chap, very caring, I talk to him about things that I wouldn’t dream of talking about with my girl friends… he has a very feminine side to him which I like very much. And then the house is his, too, I can’t just kick him out just like that.
ZÉZINHO But isn’t it big enough, couldn’t you lead separate lives under the same roof?
MARTA No, it’s just a flat, we have a living-room and one bedroom… (Pause.) and he collects miniature ships, you know how it is, so I’ve got loads of little boats all over the place, I’ve already told him to get rid of all that rubbish, but he’s got nowhere else to put them either… and they’re quite valuable.
ZÉZINHO I know, it can be quite difficult to find somewhere to live. The rents are impossible and if he doesn’t have any money…
MARTA Actually he does have money. It’s just that he lived with some man for a few months, but then he got fed up and came back home, and he almost begged me…
ZÉZINHO Hey, that could even be dangerous…
BOLINHA (to Huguinho) Go and ask Felícia when we’re going to sing ‘Happy Birthday’. I mustn’t leave too late, I’ve got work in the morning.
HUGUINHO (getting up) Right away, your ladyship. (To Felícia.) The girls are wondering when we’re going to sing ‘Happy Birthday’, because they’re in a hurry. (Pause.) What’s the matter with you?
FELÍCIA (tearfully) Nothing.
HUGUINHO Are you crying?
FELÍCIA No, leave it.
HUGUINHO What’s happened?
FELÍCIA Costa’s an animal!
HUGUINHO What’s he done to you? I’ll smash his face in! Friends must stick together!
FELÍCIA You silly! He hasn’t done anything to me!
HUGUINHO Do you know the destructive power of my punches? Go on, I’ve been wanting to punch Costa for ages! Let me have a go! First I’ll lay him down flat, then you can jump on his belly, feet first…
FELÍCIA He’s now saying that he doesn’t want to go to Brussels, can you imagine, the fool…
HUGUINHO Come on now, that’s nothing… he was scared off by all that talk of rain… but he’ll get over it, just you wait and see… (He puts his arm over her shoulders and carefully takes her glass from her hand.) Give me your glass, you go all maudlin whenever you drink …
FELÍCIA (pretending to be quite drunk) Did you know that I used to get beaten as a child whenever I peed the bed?
HUGUINHO (guiding her towards the right where the others are, his arm still round her) Oh, so that’s it, is it? You poor thing! How awful! Weren’t they horrible to you! (Pause.) Now tell me this, who took those disgusting photographs of me?
FELÍCIA I know I was five at the time, I was quite big, really, but that doesn’t matter, all that matters is that it wasn’t my fault at all!
HUGUINHO It was my dear brother, wasn’t it? It was one of his bright ideas, wasn’t it?
(Zézinho and Marta return to the table to join Margarida and watch the end of the scene with Felícia.)
FELÍCIA (sitting down) Nobody loves me!
ANITA I think someone rang the doorbell downstairs!
(Luisinho, Anita and Bolinha get up and go over to the window, have a look out and remain chatting by the bookshelf.)
COSTA Shouldn’t we be going now?
FELÍCIA (furiously) Without singing ‘Happy Birthday’?
COSTA We can talk about this in the morning calmly, we’ll arrange to meet up, we’ll both talk things over clearly… you’re not being at all reasonable… it’s nothing to get that het up about…
FELÍCIA (entirely sober) What do you mean, het up? What on earth do you mean, het up?
HUGUINHO What do you think she was drinking, Costa? That was lemonade, it’s just that she likes to be theatrical.
FELÍCIA Huguinho, go and take a jump, would you?
HUGUINHO (jumping once on the spot) There, I’ve gone for a jump, and here I am back again!
FELÍCIA Why is it men never grow up? Do you realize you’re still clowning around just as you used to ten years ago?
HUGUINHO But I always make you laugh, don’t I?
(Felícia sighs and Huguinho goes to the record-player to change the music; he chooses a slow march which is almost funereal, and goes back to join Marta, Zézinho and Margarida. Felícia turns her back to Costa.)
ANITA (to Bolinha) You know, perhaps it’s better this way. If we went out together, we’d probably break up and never see each other again. Like this, we’re still friends and we can still be together without expecting anything from each other, and we can go on like this for ever.
BOLINHA But why do you start off by thinking that you’ll break up? It could even work out!
ANITA But don’t you see that he’s always with someone else? How could I bear it if I was going out with him?
BOLINHA But if he was going out with you, he wouldn’t bother with the others! And if you’re friends now, why couldn’t you still be friends if things didn’t work out?
ANITA Have you ever seen anyone remain friends after breaking up? That’s just a front to hide the pain!
BOLINHA Look at Zézinho and Felícia…
ANITA Exactly, they’re a fine example. That was years ago, and they are still arguing with each other, still talking about the arguments they had when they were together.
BOLINHA But they’re friends, aren’t they?
LUISINHO That’s right. Friendship is all very well, but it is not the same as love.
ANITA For me, love has to mean total commitment, a complete surrender, otherwise it is not good enough.
BOLINHA (sweetly, to Luisinho) Have you ever been in love?
LUISINHO I don’t know.
BOLINHA If you don’t know, it’s because you haven’t.
LUISINHO I could have been without realising it.
ANITA Luisinho is not the kind who falls in love.
BOLINHA That’s not true. Everyone has the ability to fall in love, it’s just a question of finding the right person.
LUISINHO Yes, you’re probably right. I mean, all that romantic stuff about losing sleep, going off one’s food and so on, that has never happened to me. I think it would be a bit difficult. (Pause.) Once, I stopped feeling like watching the telly, but I don’t think it was because I was in love. I never did understand what happened to me.
ANITA I think passion is awful. Friendship is much better than love.
BOLINHA I don’t think so at all. Love is much deeper, much more… much more… important. You can have millions of friends and never feel fulfilled if you don’t have a boyfriend, a lover, a husband, someone who loves you and only you.
LUISINHO That’s a tall order!
ANITA (annoyed) Yes, but I don’t have to get angry with my friends, nor do I have to sleep with them, or get annoyed… my friends do not hurt me, I can always count on them. If I am lonely and want to go to the cinema or something, I phone some one and get someone to come with me…
BOLINHA But if you had a boyfriend, you wouldn’t have to find anyone!
ANITA You’re not trying to understand!
BOLINHA Well then, explain what it is you do mean!
LUISINHO (seriously) She means that she can always count on friends, but the boyfriend may or may not be around. He may have to go somewhere, or work late, or be on a business trip, so then she cannot go out or go to the cinema, because it is too late by then to arrange anything with friends.
BOLINHA Oh, I see!
ANITA What a load of drivel!
LUISINHO Isn’t that what you meant?
ANITA No, it wasn’t, but leave it, it doesn’t matter.
MARTA I think there’s something going on with Costa.
HUGUINHO You are so perceptive!
MARGARIDA (dryly) If you know what it’s about, there’s no need to joke about it.
HUGUINHO Felícia says that he no longer wants to go to Brussels, but I think he does want to go really, but not with her.
MARTA (intrigued) Really? Oh, no! She was so sure… it seems that she didn’t even apply for next year… oh, hell! (She goes off towards Felícia.)
MARGARIDA What are you going to do? Do you think this is the right time to talk to her about it?
MARTA (stopping in her tracks) You’re right… how silly of me… it’s best to speak to her afterwards. But I feel so sorry for her…
(Felícia gets up and joins the people by the table.)
FELÍCIA What are you all whispering about?
MARGARIDA Nothing.
FELÍCIA Come on then, let’s sing ‘Happy Birthday’! Come here, Anita!
HUGUINHO What about the present?
FELÍCIA It’s over on that little table by the front door. Would you go and get it? (Huguinho goes off towards the left.) No, wait a minute. Let’s sing first, and then when the lights are out, you can go then. It will be a bigger surprise.
HUGUINHO What if she gets upset? You know what Anita’s like…
FELÍCIA It’s a totally harmless joke, why should she get upset?
ZÉZINHO (who had been busy chatting to Marta) What are you all talking about?
HUGUINHO The present…
ZÉZINHO Ah! (Pause.) It’s a joke. It might do her some good.
FELÍCIA What did we give her last year? I can’t even remember…
(Huguinho and Zézinho look at each other.)
ZÉZINHO It was eau-de-Cologne, wasn’t it?
HUGUINHO Come on, since when is perfume a suitable present for Anita? Every year we tease her… but I cannot remember what we did last year…
ZÉZINHO Didn’t she have a thing about Formula One drivers?
FELÍCIA No, that was Bolinha. She got over it quickly enough, whatever it was. (Pause.) In any case, I think her present is fun and quite innocent. And we shouldn’t worry about it now, after all its only a birthday present for a friend of ours, it’s not the end of the world.
(Felícia starts to light the candles on the cake and Anita, Bolinha and Luisinho, who have been crossing the stage slowly, reach the table.)
HUGUINHO Anita, up on the chair!
ANITA Oh, no!
HUGUINHO You must…
ZÉZINHO That’s right, everything has to be done properly.
(The lights go out; under the cover of darkness where only the candles glow, Costa crosses the room and joins the group as discreetly as possible.)
(They all sing ‘Happy Birthday to you’ in joyful chorus. And Anita gets off the chair to blow out the candles, which refuse to go out. They all egg her on, shouting, ‘Go on, blow! Haven’t you got enough puff?’ But the candles refuse to go out.)
ANITA I can’t! I can’t! They won’t go out!
(They all laugh and make fun of her.)
HUGUINHO Let them burn, Anita, that’s just the way the candles are!
FELÍCIA Go and get the present!
(Huguinho goes out and returns with a very sophisticated parcel which he hands to Anita.)
ANITA (sadly) Let’s see what I get this year!
ZÉZINHO Be brave!
FELÍCIA We all thought it was lovely! We hope you like it! (She kisses Anita twice.)
ZÉZINHO And may it come in useful! (He kisses Anita.)
MARGARIDA All the best! (She kisses Anita.)
LUISINHO Many happy returns! (He kisses Anita.)
HUGUINHO You’ll be so beautiful! (He kisses Anita.)
(Costa waves from a distance, smiling.)
BOLINHA Go on, open it!
(Anita opens her present. From the box, she removes a black and red garter belt and a sexy lace bra. Felícia snatches them from her to show them to everyone, waving them above her head. Anita bursts out crying and runs off stage to the left, leaving her astonished friends.)
(Curtain.)
19 July 1990
The Portuguese equivalent to the Imperial College.
The old commercial centre of Lisbon.
(There are five women on stage, sitting on randomly placed chairs; the first woman is front left, the second is more or less in the centre, the third front right; the fourth woman is hidden behind the third and the fifth woman is the furthest away, centre stage.
The first interlude consists of the discourses of these five women; the discourses are short, interspersed with pauses, interrupted by the others, picked up again, abandoned; it will be necessary to maintain the flow of words and stories. There is no dialogue: the women put forward their cases; they are at the doctor’s, or talking to friends or officials; to these they are making their confessions and explaining themselves.)
FIRST WOMAN I don’t even know what I’m doing here. I couldn’t get to sleep, I was nearly dropping off, then I remembered and woke up. I remembered everything, apart from what I’ve made up, and it’s all together too much. I had locked myself in my room, fat use that was, he kicked down the door, and I took my middle-of-the-night beating, I kept screaming that it wasn’t my fault, it wasn’t my fault, but he was a policeman, everyone was to blame according to him. He hit me over the head and almost killed me. I was what? Five, give or take a year or two. (Pause.) My mother says it’s just me, that it’s just my bad luck, these things happen to me, it’s as though I ask for them. Maybe it’s true. Trouble always comes my way, other people stay out of it, but I’m always landing right in, right up to my neck. So that’s what stopped me sleeping, until… (Pause. She smiles.) It’s funny because last night I enjoyed my supper, I was quite together and relaxed, I thought tonight’s the night, I’ll sleep for about four hours, four hours is quite something for me, I usually need to take those strong tablets, but I was feeling so well, I watched the soap, the nun even spoke to me at break time, she was quite friendly towards me, which she hadn’t been for a long time, she was probably just out of confession, today’s the day the priest comes. So everything was fine. I started to get undressed and go to bed, and that’s when I felt the wave come over me, that terrible fear; oh, hell! I thought, but there was nothing I could do. Then it took over.
SECOND WOMAN You can never tell, with these things. They start off being quite trivial, then they grow in importance, then they spoil everything… There’s nothing special about my case, it’s quite normal, it happens to everyone. But it’s because these things start off as trivial, then they snowball, and… I… with me, it’s the way he brushes his feet on the doormat before he comes indoors… it’s very silly, really… it’s something his mother taught him when he was little, I don’t know, it’s stuck with him, this thing of brushing his feet on the mat before coming indoors. It’s no big deal, it’s so silly, it’s nothing really. But it’s like this… I’m at home… it’s seven or seven fifteen, half past seven even… I hear the door open… I start trembling and get goose pimples all over… ‘go brush your feet on the mat… go brush your feet on the mat…’, I curl up small trying not to hear it, but there he goes, scrunch, scrunch. This goes on day after day, week after week, month after month. I get home later and later nowadays. I feel less and less like going home. It’s ridiculous, but that’s just how things are. Apart from that we’re OK, we still chat and that, our sex life is the same as always, we enjoy each other’s company. But that thing about wiping his feet… plus we don’t have any children, so I am quite free to come home late… (She looks at her watch.) It’s a quarter past seven…
THIRD WOMAN I’d like someone to help me. I don’t know who to turn to. It’s about my husband, you see.
FIRST WOMAN I forgot to tell you something, Doctor. I don’t know if it’s important or not. It’s my father. (Pause.) But it’s unbelievable. Like last time, right in the middle of the street, people started having a go at me, they called me all the names under the sun, they even hit me, and then, ‘sorry, we thought you were someone else.’ My mother says that I must be careful, but what’s it got to do with being careful?
THIRD WOMAN I got married five years ago, I have two small children, I live outside Lisbon, I work all day long. It takes me two hours to get to work and a little longer to get back home afterwards. I am a secretary in a large civil construction company. I like what I do, I feel fulfilled in my job, I stand a good chance of promotion and a raise. We are paying for our house, we barely make enough to get by. I am the kind of person who makes friends easily, because I’m cheerful and good company. My bosses think so too. They are always praising me, they tell me that I am a good employee — they use the word ‘PA’ now — they say they wouldn’t know what to do without me. (Pause.) I am young, I have my whole life ahead of me. Then I get home, I collect the children from my next-door neighbour who fetches them from the nursery, otherwise they’d be out on the street until all hours, I make the supper, something quick and easy, they actually prefer it that way.
FIFTH WOMAN (stands up, excited) I have always been sure that my mother loved me. Right from the day I was born, I’ve been sure, deep, deep down, that my mother loved me. And after all the horrible things I’ve been through, the love she gave me as a child, while she was still alive, has saved my life, it has saved my life right up to this very day. If I had doubted her love for one moment, if I had the slightest shadow of a doubt she loved me, I would have thrown myself off something or other a long time ago. If I am still sane, if I am still alive, it’s only because she loved me, and I was sure of her love from the minute I was born. (She sits down.) When she died, she left me a letter. It’s in a little wooden box on my dressing-table. She said I was to read it the day I became a mother.
FOURTH WOMAN (she starts to talk, but cannot be heard properly; she then looks round, drags her chair to the right so as to be seen, then she starts again) I am not going to talk about my parents, nor of my brothers and sisters, not even of myself. (She bows her head and keeps it bowed.) I am going to talk about a friend of mine who has a problem. She has just found out that she has a serious illness. An incurable illness. And to make it worse, it’s one of those illnesses ‘down below’, that aren’t talked about in front of others. It’s a form of deadly haemorrhoid, or a poisonous growth, something quite ridiculous that makes even the patient sound ridiculous. But it hurts and kills just the same. There are some deaths that make us think. Take an uncle of mine, for instance, an extremely healthy man, he trod on a nail and the infection killed him. It’s stupid thing to happen, but it’s still tragic, it makes you at once think about destiny. You go to the garden to pick a rose and a snake bites you. Or you lean over a banister, the wood is rotten, it gives way, and you crash down to the ground. Or you are peacefully driving down the motorway when a lorry falls on top of you. You think of destiny, then death takes over. Nowadays, ridiculous ailments are just like punishments. They take away your dignity. You are reduced to mere flesh.
SECOND WOMAN At first it was great, I really loved him and he really loved me. He probably loved me a little bit more than I loved him, but that’s normal. Whenever I used to hear my poor sisters or sisters-in-law or even friends going on and on about their husbands, I would often think I had the luck of the devil, that I had a husband with none of those bad habits. Oh, Manuel doesn’t like going to the cinema, he only likes videos, so I always have to go on my own; Fernando hates dancing and I love it; Lewis cannot eat soufflé, he’s allergic to the air; someone else won’t go on holidays because he worries when he’s not working; with someone else it’s something else again, what the hell! At least André eats everything, he’s no trouble, he’s easy to live with. He likes everything I put down in front of him, he tucks in, eats it all up, he likes people, he likes going out, he’s friendly, that’s all there is to it, he doesn’t have any of the annoying habits that most men have. There are men who are crazy about car racing, they stand about in the middle of the road waiting to be run over and some even take their children with them, they’re mad; for some it’s motorbikes, for others it’s football; there are those who like collecting or making kits, leaving the house in a total mess afterwards; there are those who believe they can cook… But not André. With him, it’s just the thing about the doormat and that can’t be called a bad habit. It would even be quite a good thing, if only it didn’t get to me so much.
FIFTH WOMAN There are things I do not talk about, I’m sorry. I’m embarrassed. People today talk about everything, about the most intimate things, to do with love, even things to do with the body, our bodies, but I get embarrassed, I’m sorry. It’s not because I had a religious upbringing, or because I am excessively shy — or maybe I am — but there are some things that, however much you talk about them, you can never be clear about. Nothing resembling it. We hover round them round like vampires. But still they cannot be understood.
SECOND WOMAN (she looks at her watch) He must have gone in by now. He will have put his key in the door, stepped inside the house, brushed his feet (She sighs.) It’s a trifling matter, such a trifling matter yet it takes over everything else. It’s as though there’s nothing else, as though only his feet and the mat are real. What annoys me most of all is that no one told me this might happen. They said, ‘you see, he’ll have mistresses’, ‘you see, he’ll start drinking, gambling, cutting down on your housekeeping…’ So many things that might happen, yet I was not warned about what did happen. (Pause. She puts on a haughty air.) My grandfather used to say: ‘It’s very easy to catch a man, the hard bit is keeping him!’
FIFTH WOMAN I know a story along those lines. It’s not my story, but it’s as good as. There’s no point moaning about it or having regrets, wishing I had been this or that, or that I had done this or that, or that such and such had happened to me, just because I wasn’t what I wanted to be, I didn’t do what I wanted to do, or because such and such never happened to me, and that’s all there is to it. (Pause.) Now just imagine a small village church and a little girl saying her prayers, her veil covering her head and her hands joined. Her aunts are ashamed of her because of ‘the mystery of her birth’, as they say, and they only take her out to mass, because they have to, but never anywhere else. The little hunched up girl stays on her knees, the whole time, her eyes fixed on the man covered in blood who avoids looking at his faithful followers, but she doesn’t have the kind of thoughts that girls usually have, of kissing his feet, pulling him off the cross, or dying for him. She is cold, she looks at the crucifix and waits for them to take her home. But one day the little girl performed a miracle, she ascended into the air in the midst of the congregation who were singing the Salve Regina, she rose from the dead and disappeared. (She looks heavenwards.) Everyone just stood there, staring.
SECOND WOMAN Wonderful. Let’s change the subject.
FIFTH WOMAN (she gets up and leans on the back of the chair) My family is four hundred years old. My house is three hundred years old. My money is two hundred years old. My husband is one hundred years old. I got married when I was sixteen and I lived with him until I was forty, that’s twenty four years long. Then he died. He made my life hell. He would hide things and steal things from me, he would give me things he knew I didn’t want. Living in my house was like living in a labyrinth. He constantly changed things around just to drive me mad. And I spent twenty four years searching for things. One day I called out to him, I went upstairs and found him dead in the bath. He had slashed his wrists in my bathroom. (Pause. Sigh of relief.) Now then, someone who happens to have been a very good friend of his, has started paying me a great deal of attention. He rings me once a week, he’s already taken me out train-spotting, and everything points to his being interested in me. He seems a serious-minded fellow. He’s married, with two grown-up children and his wife is ill, she has trouble with her heart. So she’ll be dying sooner rather than later. (She sits down.) And he is also a very interesting and highly educated person. When we went to the garden, he was able to tell me the names of all the plants, all the trees, he even knew the name of all the stones. Sometimes I think it’s my husband taking his revenge. What if, before he killed himself, he told this man to get involved with me just to make fun of me? What if he arranged with this man to make me look like a fool? He kills himself, but leaves his friend here to torment me. Yes, that’s it. Now I see what it’s all about.
SECOND WOMAN So I know that the most important is to talk to each other, to be able to talk about everything. But do you think I can go up to him and tell him to his face that it really gets to me that he wipes his feet on the mat whenever he comes in? That it gets on my nerves when he stirs his coffee over and over again? That it annoys me when he takes off his jacket and tie, and then puts on that terrible coat which he likes to call his housecoat? What would he say in return? I’m sure he would be hurt, or be offended and say horrible things back to me, and I can’t stand people saying horrible things about me; for a start they’re never true, but then they go round and round in my head and fill me with complexes. But things cannot go on like this. They just cannot go on.
THIRD WOMAN My husband disappeared two weeks ago. I told the children that their father had gone on a trip, but they are already beginning to suspect something. And I don’t know if you people can help me, but I’ve been to the police, and all they say is that’s the way things are and that I have put up with it. Women come to them every day with the same problem, they cannot deal with all of them, they don’t have enough men, and the work is never ending. I looked in all the hospitals too, but I can’t keep it up, I cannot miss work or leave the kids. Do you think… (Pause.) What can I do? (Pause.) It’s probably too expensive, I might not be able to pay.
FOURTH WOMAN (very slowly, thoughtful, crestfallen) I think my story is of no interest whatsoever. But it is my story and I am inside it like a dog is in its coat or like a snake is in its skin. That’s probably why I am twenty three on the outside, yet on the inside, from the inside, I see things with the eyes of that same six year old little girl who would lean her forehead against the windowpane and listen quietly to the falling rain. The same one who kicked her rag-doll to pieces just to get even with some perceived injustice. The same one who ran away from home to go and follow the gypsies.
SECOND WOMAN All the other doctors I’ve been to see tell me something different. All I can remember is that one of them didn’t want to give me any medication, and he spent the whole time telling me that I ought to take control of my life. (She laughs.) That I ought to take responsibility, that things don’t just happen to people, but that people make them happen. Doctors say things like that.
FIFTH WOMAN (threatening) But he’d better not think he can get away with it, playing with me like that. He doesn’t know me. He doesn’t know what I’m capable of.
SECOND WOMAN If only there was a way of telling him everything and then… like when people are hypnotised, they wake up and don’t remember a thing… I could tell him everything, I’d show him how I feel. Then we could forget about it, everything would be fine like it was before.
FIRST WOMAN The sister told me once, ‘only God has the power, no one else, only God.’ (She laughs, mocking.) Take control of my life.
FIFTH WOMAN (growing increasingly angry) Who was it who flew around in church, who was it who rose from the dead? Who saw you in the bathtub, all covered in red and white? Who put up with your abuse for twenty four years? (Pause. She screams.) But I didn’t give you any children, no I didn’t, that would have been the last straw!
THIRD WOMAN I don’t have any money, we’ve still got the mortgage to pay… And the instalments on the car. (Pause. She becomes thoughtful.) And on the video.
FOURTH WOMAN (exultant, almost in ecstasy) I had a father, I had a mother. (Pause. She is full of wonder.) I was born!
FIFTH WOMAN (beside herself) But I won’t leave it at that! Don’t let him even think it!
SECOND WOMAN If at least he snored! That would be OK, I’d say, look here, either you sleep or I sleep, this won’t do, we’ll have to split up. (A long pause, she looks at her watch.) Well, it’s time I was going home.
FIRST WOMAN There’s something I forgot to tell you, Doctor…
(They remain seated. Curtain.)
ACT ONE
Cast
Carlos Alberto, husband of Dolores
José Manuel, husband of Odete
António, husband of Cristina
Lopes, the waiter
Dolores
Odete
Cristina
Vera, sister of Sandra
Sandra
(The first act is set in an atypical [sic] Portuguese restaurant; the main characteristic is a huge mural depicting a sea-side scene, in a very naive style; the painting may comprise a lighthouse, a lobster, a fisherman, a fishing boat, a few prawns; it may be decorated with a net. The restaurant is entered front left, the kitchen back right, the bathroom back centre.)
(Sitting in front of each other, centre stage, are José Manuel and Odete, drinking litres of beer, and front right are Carlos Alberto and Dolores who are eating slowly, heads down.)
(Enter António and Cristina who walk across the room, looking for a suitable table.)
ANTÓNIO This one?
CRISTINA (disgusted) It’s too near the toilets.
ANTÓNIO How about this one?
CRISTINA (whispering) Further away from those two.
ANTÓNIO (rolling his eyes) This one?
CRISTINA It’ll do.
LOPES (who has been following the scene imperturbably) This one is reserved.
CRISTINA It’s always the same thing.
ANTÓNIO (sharply) Well, where then?
LOPES Any table you like.
ANTÓNIO Apart from this one.
LOPES Apart from this one.
CRISTINA Can we have that one?
LOPES Any one. Wherever you like.
ANTÓNIO Apart from that one.
LOPES Apart from that one.
(Cristina and António choose another table and sit down.)
ANTÓNIO (aside, about the waiter) Cretin!
CRISTINA Have you been here before?
ANTÓNIO No, why?
CRISTINA Nothing. (Pause. She looks around.) I think I know that person over there.
ANTÓNIO (he turns around to see who it is) I don’t know who it is.
CRISTINA You do.
ANTÓNIO (angrily) I do not.
CRISTINA Didn’t she go out with Jorge?
ANTÓNIO Which Jorge?
CRISTINA Your colleague from Parker.
ANTÓNIO (he turns around again) Perhaps, I don’t remember her. Nor him.
(They tuck into their bread and butter. The waiter serves José Manuel and Odete who have started to argue quietly. José Manuel talks in a muffled, threatening tone, somewhat unaware that he is pointing things at Odete, such as a fork or a knife, as the argument progresses. Every now and then, Odete can be heard exclaiming, ‘Oh, Zé Manel!’, with a long-suffering air. When Lopes appears with the tray, José Manuel spears the lobster with his fork, forcing the waiter to put his tray on the table. He helps himself and starts hammering away at the creature.)
DOLORES (making conversation; Carlos Alberto eats methodically, arranging his food on the plate, taking a little of this, a little of that, balancing it all carefully on his fork; not once does he look at Dolores as he busies himself with what he is doing) I had been in the queue for around half an hour. Everybody had that ‘I’m stuck in a queue’ look about them, you know what it’s like, shifting from one foot to the other like horses do. Anyway, all of a sudden, we heard, ‘you need to get it stamped by two different firms.’ The man had been waiting for ages, holding on to his form, and when he showed it to her, she said, ‘you need to get it stamped by two different firms.’ Then, without uttering a single word, he went over and bashed the partition, smashing it to bits, then he started to strangle the woman. Just like that, with his eyes all glaring, he was strangling the woman.
CARLOS ALBERTO (indifferently, without lifting his eyes from his plate) All officials are overloaded with work. (Lopes enters to take Cristina and António’s orders, which is done quickly. He goes to fetch the wine list and hands it to António, who makes his choice after a quick glimpse).
DOLORES Everything went silent, nobody moved, it must have been the shock.
CARLOS ALBERTO There is still a great shortage of good manners in this country. I can’t wait to see what happens when we become part of Europe.
DOLORES The daughter of a friend of mine at work had her schoolbag stolen from her on her way to school. Great big thugs, what could they possibly want with a child’s schoolbag? As it happens, they didn’t hurt her, but can you imagine what might have happened? (Pause.) Do you want some more potatoes? (She puts some more chips onto his plate.)
(Cristina and António’s dishes arrive; Cristina takes a slice of tomato from her plate and puts in on António’s; António moves his lettuce onto Cristina’s plate; they start to eat. They chat without looking at each other, their heads bowed over their plates.)
(Enter Vera; clearly embarrassed, she looks for a discreet table. She sits back centre, leaning against the backdrop, facing the left, then she changes her mind and sits facing the right.)
CRISTINA When do we have to pay?
ANTÓNIO By the end of the month.
CRISTINA Do you think it’s a lot?
ANTÓNIO It’s always a lot. The state doesn’t do anything for not a lot. It must be around 40%.
CRISTINA Will we still have any money for our holidays?
ANTÓNIO I think so. It depends on what Finances will accept as expenses.
CRISTINA How much was it last year?
ANTÓNIO Last year is not this year.
CRISTINA Yes, but more or less?
ANTÓNIO It’s more or less a month’s salary.
CRISTINA (lifting her head) Damn, with these kind of taxes we will never make money! Bills to pay, always behind with something or other, we’ll never get anywhere…
ANTÓNIO We spend too much…
CRISTINA On what? Do you think we should start eating less in order to pay our taxes to the state?
ANTÓNIO (seriously) There are people doing that already… and there are even some who have always done that.
(Dolores and Carlos Alberto have finished their meal. Lopes comes to clear the table).
LOPES Dessert?
CARLOS ALBERTO Two coffees.
DOLORES (shyly) I’d like a pudding. This is a celebration.
LOPES Almond slice, chocolate mousse, caramel pudding, orange cake.
DOLORES (aside) It’s always the same thing. (To Lopes.) And what about those frozen Spanish things?
LOPES I’ll bring the list.
DOLORES (to Carlos Alberto) Did you hear about the hole in the ozone layer? Do you think it’s dangerous?
CARLOS ALBERTO (somewhat impatiently, he looks at his watch) It’s mere propaganda.
DOLORES (suddenly crestfallen) Do you really have to go that meeting today? Didn’t you tell them it was our anniversary?
CARLOS ALBERTO I do not tell them about my private life.
DOLORES But what do you all get up to in those meetings?
(Vera, tired of waiting, takes a notepad, a pen and a book out of her handbag; she pushes her plate to one side and starts to read.)
LOPES (enters with the dessert menu) It is against the rules to study.
VERA But I’m not studying, what nonsense!
LOPES (still imperturbable) It is forbidden to study at the table during meal times. It’s written over there. Orders from the management.
VERA But I am not studying!
(Lopes shrugs his shoulders slightly and gives Dolores the dessert menu. Leaving for the pantry, he looks at Vera who is still poring over her book.)
(José Manuel and Odete have been silent, eating, hammering and enjoying their seafood. Odete’s manner is subservient, she looks at Zé Manel, worshipping him desperately, handing him things, emptying the shells from his plate.)
JOSÉ MANUEL (with his mouth full, excited, gesticulating) ‘Just you wait, next time I’ll push your dentures right down your throat! I’ve done worse! Who the hell do you think you are, calling me a clown, you bastard?’ I said to him. The guy just stood there like this (José Manuel makes a dumbstruck face). ‘You take too much for granted, just because you are big and fat, you think no one will ever go for you, but you are very wrong. It could have been worse! Just you wait!’
ODETE (anxiously) Oh, Zé Manel! What are you letting yourself in for! Don’t forget he’s already killed people before!
JOSÉ MANUEL (laughing crudely) Gee, am I scared! You’re very stupid. You’re so gullible. You let the bloke do what he wants with you.
ODETE (defeatedly) What can I do?
JOSÉ MANUEL Send him packing, or don’t you know how to? You’re always all hunched up, like a sewer rat! What does that guy give you that I don’t, hey?
ODETE Nothing, he doesn’t give me anything. You know it’s you I love.
JOSÉ MANUEL Then that settles it. Today you will not go home. (He drains the remainder of his litre of beer.)
ODETE (distressed) Oh, I can’t do that, we have a job on today! There’s no way!
JOSÉ MANUEL You’ll start working just for me. (Pause. He calls Lopes.) This state of affairs, sleeping with one of us, then with the other, has got to stop. You are not going back home, and that’s that. It will make it easier at work.
ODETE (tearfully) He’ll kill us!
JOSÉ MANUEL That’s a good one.
(Lopes comes up to clear the remains of the lobsters from the table. When he walks past Vera, he looks at her.)
VERA (humbly) When can you see to me?
LOPES I thought you were busy studying.
VERA I am not studying. I am reading while I wait.
(Lopes gives her the menu. For the first time so far, he seems to be quite nice to her.)
LOPES Are you a student?
VERA (somewhat annoyed with the conversation, looking at the menu) Do you think I look the right sort of age for a student?
LOPES (suddenly livening up) There are people who study until they die. I’ve been told about someone who studied until they retired. He took a load of degrees that served him no purpose at all.
VERA Do you have this ‘Rabbit with Rice’…?
LOPES (impassive once more) There’s none left.
VERA Well, what do you think…
LOPES It was from lunch.
(Vera buries herself in the menu again. Lopes goes off towards the kitchen.)
JOSÉ MANUEL Who ruined the job in Reboleira? It was him, behaving like some kind of Rambo, he couldn’t take the pressure. Who organises everything? Who’s the boss? It’s me, the guy only goes along to scare people. Who took the jewels from the old woman? It was me and the bastard just stood there! ‘Hurry up, mate, shit! hurry up, mate’, he was shitting himself! Coward! But I’ve told him, ‘one more scene like that and you’re through.’
ODETE (absent-mindedly lighting a cigarette) He’s actually a good man.
JOSÉ MANUEL (who has kept looking at António, containing his rage) That guy over there, he’s getting on my goat. There’s going to be fireworks soon.
(Odete turns to look at António again.)
ODETE You silly thing. What’s he done to you?
JOSÉ MANUEL Nothing. He’s just getting to me (suddenly, violently, he turns on Odete.) And just you stop talking rubbish, do you hear me? With me, women have to behave well, be warned.
ODETE (taken aback) What did I say?
CRISTINA (she turns discreetly to look at José Manuel; she speaks to António) What louts!
ANTÓNIO They may be louts, but with the money they spent on lobster I could have bought good stock in the bank! (Pause.) The man keeps staring at me, but I don’t know him.
CRISTINA I should hope not. With that criminal look about him.
(Enter Sandra front right, through the main door; she very self-confidently walks across the stage to back left; then she turns, notices Vera and walks slowly towards her; Sandra is wearing a very tight and diminutive mini-skirt, black fishnet tights, very high heels, a belly-top; her hair is back-combed and very long; she is heavily made-up: she is a true ‘lady of the night’. When she comes in, silence falls in the room, the three men turn their heads towards her at the same time; then it’s the turn of the three women who at once turn back to look at their men; they follow Sandra with their eyes, until she sits down at the table with Vera.)
VERA (hostile) I thought you weren’t coming.
SANDRA (she looks around, eyeing the men; she waves discreetly at Carlos Alberto who waves back, somewhat gingerly; she speaks wearily to Vera) I had things to do. Have you ordered yet? I want a Martini…
VERA (laughing) A Martini? You’ve been seeing too many ads…
SANDRA It doesn’t take you long to get started.
VERA The earlier I start, the earlier I finish. (Pause.) Did you go and see him?
SANDRA I still haven’t had time.
VERA I can imagine. And when will you have time?
SANDRA I don’t know. Some day.
VERA Some day he is going to die.
(Sandra signals to Lopes who immediately comes scurrying.)
SANDRA Bring me a Martini.
LOPES And something to eat?
SANDRA How amusing.
CARLOS ALBERTO (to Lopes) Where are those coffees?
DOLORES Does he belong to the Party, too?
CARLOS ALBERTO To the local party of Aveiro.
DOLORES Don’t lie to me, Carlos Alberto!
CARLOS ALBERTO (very seriously) Or from the local party at Faro! Hell! You expect me to know where all the delegates from the last Congress come from just like that!
(Dolores gets up suddenly and runs to the toilet, back centre. Carlos Alberto bows his head. Sandra goes slowly up to him. She remains standing, next to the table.)
SANDRA (affectedly) So the little woman is indisposed?
CARLOS ALBERTO She’s gone to wash her hands.
SANDRA How about you, don’t you need to go? (Confidentially.) Well, when’s the next Congress? I’ve missed you…
(Dolores comes out of the bathroom and stops in her tracks when she sees Sandra standing next to Carlos Alberto. She rushes forward, her hand outstretched to Sandra.)
DOLORES (she is very nervous) How are you? I am Carlos Alberto’s wife.
SANDRA (shaking hands) I was just remembering the last Congress with Carlos Alberto. Do you belong to the Party, too?
DOLORES No, Carlos Alberto is the one who is interested in that sort of thing.
SANDRA (she holds her hand out to Carlos Alberto) Lovely to see you again. See you soon. (To Dolores.) Nice meeting you.
(She goes to sit at Vera’s table.)
(Dolores falls back into her chair, dejected. Lopes brings her ice-cream and the coffee. Dolores doesn’t budge.)
DOLORES (deeply saddened) Did I tell you the one about the two sisters who got their medical tests muddled up? One took medicine for her liver I don’t know how long for, the other was having her kidneys treated, and they were getting sicker and sicker until the doctor ordered the tests to be repeated, and that’s when the mistake was uncovered.
CARLOS ALBERTO These things happen.
(Odete gets up to go and wash her hands.)
JOSÉ MANUEL (loudly, to António) Why are you staring at us? Is there something you’ve never seen?
(Lopes freezes in the middle of the room, looking at António, and he watches the scene develop.)
ANTÓNIO Me?
JOSÉ MANUEL No. your grandmother. Do you know me from somewhere?
ANTÓNIO (looking carefully) As it happens, I do think I have seen you before.
JOSÉ MANUEL (sarcastically) Where, at Friday night Bingo?
ANTÓNIO What?
(José Manuel starts on yet another litre of beer.)
CRISTINA What was that? I didn’t understand.
ANTÓNIO (he shrugs) He’s mad. But he looks just like that guy who stole my wallet, remember?
(Cristina turns round to have a look.)
JOSÉ MANUEL What’ the matter? You too?
(Cristina at once turns back again, intimidated.)
CRISTINA (low, to António) Do you think thieves eat in the same restaurants as us?
(Odete returns from having washed her hands and looks at António and Crisitna’s table.)
ODETE What is it, did they have a go at you?
(José Manuel shrugs his shoulders.)
ODETE Look, it’s getting late. I must go.
JOSÉ MANUEL (calling Lopes) Where’s the job today?
ODETE (freshening up her lipstick, looking in her compact mirror) It’s in the Amoreiras.
JOSÉ MANUEL Well, well!
CRISTINA I must say, it was a bit stupid of you, that thing with the wallet. It would happen with me there.
ANTÓNIO How was I to know the man would be armed?
CRISTINA (pointedly to change the conversation) Do you still want to go to the Algarve in August?
ANTÓNIO If you like.
CRISTINA Shall I tell Rui and Maria to come with us, like they did last year?
ANTÓNIO If you like.
CRISTINA I want you to promise you won’t spend your time trying coming on to Maria.
ANTÓNIO Me?
CRISTINA No, me.
ANTÓNIO There’s no harm in looking, or do you mind that?
CRISTINA As long as you’re discreet and don’t make me look like a fool.
ANTÓNIO Leave it. We’ll go on our own.
(Sandra is smoking and sipping her Martini. Vera is also smoking impatiently.)
VERA Well?
SANDRA Are you nervous, sis?
VERA I want to know when you are going to see your husband in hospital.
SANDRA He has you.
VERA Me? Are you daft? The man has been bedridden for two months, with tubes all over the place, and whenever I see him, it’s ‘where’s Sandra, isn’t she coming?’ And I make up yet another excuse and still you never turn up…
SANDRA (interrupting) I tell a lie. I’ve been there once.
VERA (maternal) I don’t know what to tell him any more. He loves you so much, it’s almost indecent the way you don’t care at all.
SANDRA He should have married you
(Carlos Alberto is drinking a balloon of something or other.)
DOLORES You will be late.
CARLOS ALBERTO (mournfully) So it’s our wedding anniversary.
ODETE Are you ready?
JOSÉ MANUEL Hold on, what’s the rush?
(He calls Lopes, who comes up.)
DOLORES It is indeed.
ODETE Are you going to have any more to eat?
JOSÉ MANUEL I am, why?
LOPES (to Odete) A steak maison? (to José Manuel) Only the one?
JOSÉ MANUEL Only one for me.
DOLORES I’d like to be like you. Going to meetings. Attending congresses, being asked to conferences. Having a more interesting life. (Pause. Dejectedly.) But I don’t even know why I’m going to vote. I think they’re all the same. Some day…
CARLOS ALBERTO Abstaining from voting is a growing problem. (Pause.) You’re not thinking of…
DOLORES (concerned) No, no. I was just saying.
CRISTINA You know I hate that cinema.
ANTÓNIO But it’s the only one showing the film.
CRISTINA I’d rather not see it. It’s too stuffy in there.
VERA You’ve always been like that.
SANDRA You have always been like that too.
CARLOS ALBERTO Shall we go?
ODETE Oh Zé Manel, I have to go…
JOSÉ MANUEL Go on then. I am holding you back by any chance?
ODETE Are you angry with me?
(José Manuel looks around, searching for Lopes, who enters with Vera and Sandra’s food. When Lopes leaves without looking at him, he lights up a cigarette, pulls a chair across and puts his feet up. Then Odete picks up her bag, goes to get up, then looks at her watch, drops her bag and remains seated. She does this a few more times until the end of the scene. As soon as José Manuel has his feet up on a chair, Lopes rushes out of the kitchen.)
LOPES (pointing to José Manuel’s feet, undramatically, as though they were objects) You cannot put your feet on the chairs. (He exits. José Manuel does not move.)
ANTÓNIO It’s unbelievable, everyone knows what’s going on. It’s Almeida who does all the work and Figueira, with his smooth talking and angelic face, he’s the one who keeps getting promoted.
CRISTINA But doesn’t he react? Doesn’t he say anything?
ANTÓNIO What do you expect him to do? He can’t go around beating up the heads of department just because they’ve promoted that fool Figueira instead!
CRISTINA Still, he could do something, he could show up the other man’s incompetence, set up a trap of some sort…
ANTÓNIO As if he’s up to that sort of thing!! He has so much to do, with all the work the other lets pile up, that he hasn’t time to think of revenge… Besides, he’s not that kind of chap.
CRISTINA But he’ll never get on like that.
ANTÓNIO No, he won’t.
(Vera and Sandra eat in silence, lost in their own thoughts; Sandra picks at her food, with coquetry, with many languid looks and much pouting of the lips, and Vera eats messily and impatiently.)
VERA I’ll probably have to take a few days holiday when they let him out.
SANDRA I’m going next week.
VERA (astonished) Where to?
SANDRA To Benidorm.
VERA (venomously) With anyone?
SANDRA Yes, with somebody. With more than three million other Portuguese people.
VERA What does he do?
SANDRA (casually) He’s a university lecturer. He has loads of free time.
VERA He must be better than the one who was on night shifts. You looked awful when you were with him!
SANDRA You’re so kind.
VERA (after a pause) Aren’t you coming back home?
DOLORES (suddenly, explaining to Carlos Alberto) Cláudio says that Mariana hates her. Juriça wants to get married again. Wilson is with Bolinha. Desdemona denies stealing Robert’s emerald. Aliette is going to tell Simónides everything. Renato kisses Lucília. Victor is looking for Zazica’s ring.
(José Manuel, who has had a little too much to drink, lights up a cigarette, gets up and looks around him. He goes up to Sandra.)
JOSÉ MANUEL (holding his lighted cigarette) Do you have a light?
(Sandra looks at him and lights his lighted cigarette. José Manuel looks at his cigarette an leans over again for Sandra to repeat the operation. When she has done this, he waves a vague thank-you and stands in the middle of the room looking at António.)
VERA Do you know him as well?
SANDRA (irked) What on earth do you take me for? According to your little mind, I spend my days and nights going to bed with men, going out with men, hitching up with men! You’re mad! You think of nothing else!
VERA (like a peeved child) You telling me it’s not true? You’re such an angel, are you?
SANDRA I’m no angel, but I’m not a whore. I am a normal woman, which is something you are not.
VERA Here comes the same old story…
(José Manuel starts walking towards António who is waiting for his dessert and looking innocently the other way.)
JOSÉ MANUEL Just what are you looking at, you peasant? Just look at that boorish face!
(António looks at José Manuel as though waking from a swoon and sees him coming closer. Cristina and Odete turn around and also follow José Manuel’s progress. He leans against Cristina and António’s table.)
JOSÉ MANUEL Just look at the bloke’s tie! Look at his suit! His hairstyle! (He looks under the table. He chuckles.) And his trousers, his socks, they all match! (Admiring him.) Aren’t we the handsome one!
ANTÓNIO In a place as respectable as this…
JOSÉ MANUEL (slapping him on the back) You’re right. When you’ve got it, flaunt it (He holds out his hand to António, who shakes it, then he does the same with Cristina, and then he walks away. He sits down at his table, and puts his feet up on the chair.)
ODETE The steak is cold.
(José Manuel puts his finger on the meat to feel how hot it is, then he flicks a bit of ash onto the edge of the plate and leans back in his chair, smoking.)
ANTÓNIO (with scorn) How jolly!
CRISTINA This seemed like such a quiet place. (António shrugs his shoulders.)
SANDRA I do work, you know. I can’t just leave when I feel like it and tell the boss, ‘look I’m just going to see my husband, I’ll be back later.’ I can’t do that. They ought to change visiting hours.
VERA I can really see him sacking you if you tell him that you need to go to the hospital occasionally to see your husband who’s had a serious accident.
SANDRA You are so annoying, you’re more and more like Mother. Going on and on until people do what you want them to. Hell! (Pause.) I’ve already told you, I’ll try and get to see him one of these days! What more do you want?
DOLORES (timidly) We’ve been happy all these years, haven’t we?
CARLOS ALBERTO Why do you ask?
ANTÓNIO (tenderly) And did you see what Emília was up to this morning?
CRISTINA (lovingly) She is crazy about you. When you go out, she’s totally lost, she roams from room to room, she doesn’t know what to do.
ANTÓNIO She is so cute! I found her in the kitchen looking carefully at the ceiling, and when I looked as well, I saw it was a fly! Her powers of observation are quite something!
CRISTINA I left a little later today, because I didn’t have classes until eleven, and I took her for a walk, around the neighbourhood. You should have seen her! She was so happy, leaping about, meowing all over the place.
ANTÓNIO The poor little darling leads such a boring life, locked up indoors waiting for us to come home!
CRISTINA (smiling) If only there were nurseries for cats, where they could all keep each other company…
ANTÓNIO (hesitating) Or we could leave the window open for her so she could take herself out for walks…
CRISTINA No way! She’d be run over at once! And anyway, she hates going out by herself!
DOLORES Shall we go?
CARLOS ALBERTO I’m waiting for the change.
DOLORES Doctor Carrego has decided to take his holiday in September this year.
CARLOS ALBERTO And the house?
DOLORES Look, I don’t know, we have to see if we can change the dates. He says he’s tired of going when everybody else does.
CARLOS ALBERTO (cheerful for the first time) How silly! It’s much more efficient for the economy that everyone should have holidays at the same time! Instead of three months at 50%, or even 30%, we have two months at 100% and one at 0%! All you have to do is look at the figures!
DOLORES Yes, I know, but he doesn’t want to.
CARLOS ALBERTO All you have to do is look at the figures! People will not look at the figures!
ODETE (worried) Oh, Zé Manel, look, he won’t wait any longer. It’s over half an hour…
JOSÉ MANUEL (he leans forward, lying almost right across the table) Leave it, my little dove… It’s only the two of us now… Aren’t you pleased? (Odete agrees; confidentially, after looking around her) And no more shit like the Amoreiras business, OK? Amoreiras indeed! (Even more softly, more explicitly, taking hold of Odete’s hand.) We are going to move on into the international field! We’ll do things that will really bring in the money! No more striking out for a piffling few contos! Let’s leave that for the fat man…
ODETE Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
JOSÉ MANUEL (aloud, impatiently) Stop all that emotional nonsense! I’m telling you we are moving on to the international field, what more do you want? These women!
ODETE He must have left by now, I’m sure he must have left, I’m not waiting any more!
SANDRA (taking a little packet from her bag and handing it roughly to Vera) Here, I brought you a present!
VERA (surprised) You remembered.
SANDRA As if I would forget my sister’s birthday!
VERA (she unwraps her present) Earrings? (Pause.) Were they yours? Did you stop liking them or something?
SANDRA (laughing, caught red-handed) Charming! Next time you won’t get anything!
VERA(she puts the earrings up to her ears, both on the same side) Do they suit me? Am I beautiful enough to kill for?
SANDRA They suit you better than they do me.
VERA Yes, obviously.
(They both laugh; Vera puts the earrings back in their little box and the box into her coat pocket)
ANTÓNIO It’s large, black, just what we need.
CRISTINA How many does it sit?
ANTÓNIO I don’t know, ten or twelve.
CRISTINA And where would we put such a big table? Unless we break down the wall and put it half in our bedroom!
ANTÓNIO It’s really nice, with a glass top. A little bit on the expensive side, but really nice.
(Lopes brings the change for Carlos Alberto, who gets up at once to leave.)
DOLORES Look, Carlos Alberto, I’m not feeling too well. If you don’t mind, I think I’ll stay here a bit longer, I’ll drink some water or something; you go on ahead.
CARLOS ALBERTO Ok, then. See you soon.
(Carlos Alberto leans over to kiss her on the cheek and leaves; as soon as he has left, Dolores gets up and goes to the kitchen.)
DOLORES (to someone inside) Excuse me, where is the phone? (Pause.) Thank you. (An arm emerges, holding a phone, and Dolores puts it on the nearest table. She starts to dial.)
ODETE Oh, Zé Manel, let’s go, I’m scared he might try and find us!
JOSÉ MANUEL If you are going to be working for me, you can stop all this blubbering, do you hear me? That’s all I need, what with all the problems I have already…
ODETE Let’s go and find him now, we’ll say we were delayed, that we’ve been looking at some things, I don’t know, we can make something up…
(José Manuel carries on flicking his ash onto the steak and drinking beer.)
JOSÉ MANUEL (to Lopes, who is near Vera’s table) Hey! My friend! (Lopes looks.) The bill!
LOPES (without moving) Are you paying for both?
CRISTINA Do we have to make up our minds now?
ANTÓNIO No.
CRISTINA Well let’s wait until next month.
SANDRA Why don’t you just leave me alone! You keep the blasted man. I’ve told you I don’t want him for anything!
VERA (humbly) There’s something I haven’t told you yet.
SANDRA (looking at her straight in the eye) Trust you! We have been sitting here for I don’t know how long and now you tell me: (she imitates Vera) ‘there’s something I haven’t told you yet.’ Its always the same thing! Its like the soaps on Friday, keeping you in suspense over the weekend! (Pause.) Give it to me, then.
VERA (after a pause) They discharged him today.
SANDRA Now she tells me! So what was all that talk about my going to see him and being nice to him and heaven knows what else?
VERA He didn’t want to leave.
SANDRA He didn’t want to leave? So now we can all do what we want? If they discharge him, he has to leave, he’s holding up someone else’s bed! (Pause.) How selfish of him!
VERA That’s exactly what they said to him.
SANDRA Where is he? Tell me once and for all, woman, you’re being so irritating!
VERA He managed to get to the bathroom and cut his wrists with a razor blade!
SANDRA (not in the least impressed) That was clever! And then?
VERA He was transferred to another ward
SANDRA With a bit of luck, he’ll go through them all.
VERA (suddenly anxious) Do you see now how important it is that you should go and see him now?
JOSÉ MANUEL I know someone. This someone knows someone else. And this someone else has contacts with some people in Columbia.
ODETE (horrified) Oh, Zé Manel!
JOSÉ MANUEL Nothing comes for free, baby! Don’t you want a car and a house with a swimming pool? Well then…
ODETE (calling Lopes) The bill, please!
JOSÉ MANUEL (mocking) Leaving so soon?
ODETE He might still be there… let’s go… (she grabs his hand) come on…
(José Manuel resists half-heartedly. Odete lets go of his hand. Lopes, who wants to be rid of them as soon as possible, brings the bill and waits for the money. Odete searches her handbag for her purse, dropping a bundle of notes on the floor, then she picks them up and hands them to Lopes without counting them. Lopes smoothes out the notes on top of the table, chooses the ones he needs and leaves. Odete stares at José Manuel who is still lying across the table, making breadcrumb balls.)
JOSÉ MANUEL (dreamily) America, here we come… that’s where life is!
ODETE What do you mean, America? Is Columbia in America by any chance?
JOSÉ MANUEL Maybe it isn’t, you’re the one who always knows everything!
ODETE I don’t know… I thought it might be a little nearer… but don’t they speak Spanish? (Remembering suddenly.) Come on, let’s go, Zé Manel, he might have waited for us!
(In the meantime, Dolores speaks briskly on the phone; the conversation cannot be heard, but it is clear that she is pleased with herself. Then she hangs up, she looks at her watch, goes and gives the phone back, then sits down again at the table.)
DOLORES (to Lopes) Excuse me, could you find me a newspaper?
LOPES (coming from Cristina and António’s table, he stops for a moment to think) I’ll go and see.
CRISTINA I was thinking of throwing a party for my birthday, what do you think?
ANTÓNIO It’s a wonderful idea. Where would you want to hold it?
CRISTINA At home, where else?
ANTÓNIO At home? That’s a lot of bother, the place will get all dirty and then we’re the ones who will have to do all the clearing up!
CRISTINA We’ll get someone in (Pause, appeasingly.) But I was thinking more of a family get-together… My sister and her children… My parents…
ANTÓNIO Those kids are completely wild. They do nothing except torment Emília, poor little thing. Last time they broke the needle of my record player which cost me the earth to replace… and your sister says nothing… she just laughs and says nothing!
CRISTINA I could ask her to leave the children at home…
ANTÓNIO Yeah, I’m sure they’d go along with that!
LOPES (handing a newspaper to Dolores) It’s last week’s.
DOLORES That doesn’t matter. The news is always the same.
(Odete tries, once more, to remove José Manuel from his seat. She gets up, grabs his arm and starts pulling him away.)
ODETE Come on, let’s go. Maybe he’s fallen asleep, maybe he hasn’t noticed we’re missing…
(José Manuel grunts and gets up, he’s not too drunk, but he doesn’t want any trouble.)
JOSÉ MANUEL But what are we going to do there? When are you going to make up your mind?
(Cristina and António are smoking; Vera and Sandra are finishing their dessert; José Manuel and Odete leave; she leads and he follows, crestfallen; Dolores waves to Lopes to ask for the bill.)
DOLORES Don’t forget the bill!
LOPES (Lopes brings the bill and waits. Dolores examines the bill, under Lopes’s impassive gaze. Then she gets her wallet and counts her money carefully.)
VERA (sighing) I think there was a time when we got on with each other.
SANDRA We have always got on together.
VERA It’s just that there was a time when we got on really well together. When we were kids.
VERA You’re imagining things, as usual. All I remember is us fighting all the time, and you running off to Mother to tell tales.
VERA That’s funny, I remember us playing in the garden, and standing up to all the other kids in the neighbourhood, I remember telling lies to keep you out of trouble.
SANDRA It’s your noble and generous spirit that makes this kind of nonsense up.
ANTÓNIO Why don’t we all get together in a restaurant… it’d be easier.
CRISTINA Because we do that every year.
ANTÓNIO All right, then, if that’s what you want… don’t tell me I didn’t warn you.
CRISTINA No, we’ll go out to dinner. With Rui and Marisa.
(António asks for the bill. Dolores looks at her watch and folds the newspaper. She gets up, brushing imaginary crumbs off with her hands, she straightens up, picks up her bag and leaves after saying goodnight to Lopes. Lopes hands the bill to António, who pulls out his wallet and pays with a flourish. Cristina and António put out their cigarettes and get up.)
ANTÓNIO Well, where are we going?
CRISTINA I thought you wanted to go to the cinema?
(They leave front stage. Cristina walks behind; in the middle of the room, António lets her go in front, like the perfect gentleman that he is.)
SANDRA (after looking at her watch) Do you have anything to do?
(Vera shrugs her shoulders and bows her head.)
(Curtain.)
SECOND INTERLUDE
(On stage stands a woman facing the audience, centre left; she is pushing a swing with nobody on it. She is speaking to an invisible person, her ex-husband, who would seem to be standing at the far reach of the swing.)
SIXTH WOMAN (after a challenging pause) I cannot manage on one hundred contos, Carlos Jorge! The kid needs stuff, for school, new shoes, have you any idea how long a pair of plimsolls lasts? I can just about manage to make ends meet, but I have to watch every single penny I spend, I’m always worried stiff about tomorrow… and what if something unexpected crops up? Do you know how much I have in the bank? (Pause.) I know you already give the child an awful lot, more than most, I know, you’ve told me so, I didn’t want to ask you, but cost of things is going up all the time… We haven’t had a holiday for two years, all we do is stay at home, go swimming every now and then, going to the beach costs a fortune… and she likes going so much! (Pause.) I cut back on everything, we never eat out, I never have any fun, I come straight home from my classes, I go straight to my classes from home, besides I have no one to leave her with, Dona Filomena has moved… (Pause.) Yes, she’s gone and moved. (Pause. Pointing to the swing.) She still asks for you, every now and then, poor little thing. ‘Aren’t I going to school today? Is it Saturday?’, ‘Yes, it is’, I say, ‘Isn’t Daddy coming?’ (She smiles.) But she’ll get used to it. Now you have a new home, a new family, you’re busy all the time, that’s how things are now. (Pause.) But I still cannot manage. (Pause. Exasperated.) It’s the rent, Carlos Jorge, what can I do? Do you think I am lying to you? Do you think I’m trying to deceive you? You know jolly well what my fixed expenses are!
(Enter the Seventh Woman, right, pushing a wooden rocking horse. The Seventh Woman is poised and very feminine, like a Chanel model. When she reaches centre stage, she sits side-saddle on the little wooden horse, she rests her handbag on her lap, crosses her ankles and sighs. The Sixth Woman is still pushing the swing.)
SEVENTH WOMAN (to herself) Yesterday I dreamt I had stolen a red Porsche. There I was, casually leaving the shopping centre, when I walked past a tunnel where there was this red Porsche, and I got in. Funny thing is, I was quite disappointed by it. It wouldn’t get going easily, it never built up any speed, it made a hell of a noise and I remember thinking, ‘Damn, this is more like a Volkswagen!’ And at the same time I was aware that I might be doing something illegal and that I would have to face the music. I remember thinking that the police was probably already behind me! Just because I felt like stealing a red Porsche! (Pause. She rocks on the rocking horse.) It was nothing special, after all, I would have told them that I stole the Porsche because I thought it was a great car, but when all’s said and done, it’s no more than a chugging Volkswagen, a tin can… (Pause. She smiles.) Then Alfredo appeared, all in a state, ‘What have you been up to, Matilda? What have you been up to?’ (She laughs.) ‘Come on now, calm down! I’ve stolen a red Porsche, what’s the big deal?’ And he started going purple, rolling his eyes, and he changed into a pumpkin. (She sighs.) No, I’m making that bit up. (She opens her handbag, rummages around absentmindedly, then closes it, not having taken anything out.) (Sadly, to herself.) What have you been up to, Matilda? What have you been up to all this time?
(While the Seventh Woman remains, crestfallen, swinging her legs on the wooden rocking horse, the Eighth Woman enters right, pushing a slide on wheels in front of her; after coming to a halt, back right, she starts to turn the slide towards the audience with a bit of a struggle; while she busies herself in this clownish scene, trying absurdly to dominate a heavy object larger than herself, the Ninth Woman enters the right, who slowly goes up to the Sixth Woman, watching with her arms folded as she pushes the swing.)
NINTH WOMAN How old are you?
SIXTH WOMAN Four.
NINTH WOMAN You’re very big! (Pause. The Sixth Woman smiles, gratefully.) What’s your name?
SIXTH WOMAN Adriana.
NINTH WOMAN (she shouts suddenly towards the right.) Pedro, let go of your brother! Do you hear me? Let him have a go now! (To the Sixth Woman) Two boys…
SEVENTH WOMAN (pondering what might have been) I could have had everything. Trips, lovers, friends, money, independence, and respect. I could have been an international model. I could have had a career, a… (she searches for the right word) an amazing career. The most beautiful woman in the world. The most photographed. Born to be photographed, to wear the creations of great couturiers and model for haute couture... for I have curves, I am not like those lanky things that you see nowadays, with their pouting lips, over six feet tall, where do they find them? They even put black women in fashion magazines now! It’s unbelievable! With their tiny eyes and great big mouths, with eyes and eyebrows that look like Gromyko’s, hair that’s best not to mention… nicely turned out, of course they’re nicely turned out, they have the right kind of natural grace, fair enough, but are they beautiful? Models? God preserve us!
EIGHTH WOMAN (sitting on top of the slide, in a somewhat school-marmish tone) A balanced diet of poisons various, is my advice. Mercury in fish, hormones in meat, cadmium in vegetables. To avoid cancer, eat loads of oranges. Take physical exercise. Do not smoke. Do not go to Chernobyl. Do not drink water from the Adriatic. Have a regular sex life.
(The Seventh Woman opens her handbag and, after rummaging around, she hesitantly pulls out, a large pair of sunglasses. She cleans them slowly and puts them on.)
NINTH WOMAN (to the Sixth Woman, agitated) No, no, I am not separated, but it’s as good as.
SIXTH WOMAN We were married for twelve years, then Carlos Jorge met another woman, we got divorced and now he has his new family and I have the kid.
NINTH WOMAN (calling right to attract attention) Pedro! (To the Sixth Woman, indicating the child with her chin) How about her?
(The Sixth Woman shrugs sadly. To the right, the Tenth Woman strolls in. She spots the Seventh Woman and stops near her. The Tenth Woman is very happy and outgoing.)
TENTH WOMAN Aren’t you Matilda? (The Seventh Woman looks at her with hostility, taking off her glasses.) I am Rucha, don’t you remember me? Aren’t you Matilda?
SEVENTH WOMAN (without remembering) I am.
TENTH WOMAN I am Rucha, we were in the same class, don’t you remember? (Pause.) You never kept in touch!
SEVENTH WOMAN (coolly) What would I have told you about?
TENTH WOMAN (laughing) You’re still the same. Just the same little madam.
SEVENTH WOMAN (holding her glasses dramatically) I am older.
TENTH WOMAN (she rushes up to her, takes her face in her hands and looks at her) You’re fine, there’s just a tiny little something on your forehead, between the eyebrows. But that’s from frowning, from worrying. You must be what, thirty odd…
SEVENTH WOMAN (terrified) I’m only just thirty!
TENTH WOMAN (letting go of her face) You’re fine. (She opens her bag and pulls out a card, which she hands over to the Seventh Woman.) Come by the Institute some day, whenever you feel like it. Ring up first and make an appointment. (She gets ready to proceed on her way.)
SEVENTH WOMAN (holding her back) But what is it you do?
(The Tenth Woman remains next to the Seventh Woman, turned towards the Eighth Woman who is on top of the slide.)
EIGHTH WOMAN (sliding down) There’s the problem of the rain forest, the problem of toxic waste, the problem of nuclear energy. To avoid the catastrophe we must take plenty of physical exercise, avoid cholesterol. Drink skimmed milk. Most of all, we mustn’t think of the forest as a whole, but of one tree at a time. The one dies, the other dies. The fish die, the seagulls die. One seagull does not a summer make. In order to prepare for when the Holocaust comes, we must store fresh vegetables, tinned fruit, long-life milk products. After the Holocaust, we must not leave the house without our protective helmets. They’re not very elegant, but who’ll notice? Vitamins before lunch, and, for supper, wholemeal bread and fennel tea to prevent infections. Folic acid for neurological complaints.
(When she reaches the bottom, the Eighth Woman, sitting on the slide, becomes absorbed in her contemplation of the sky. The Sixth Woman leaves the swing and, walking behind the Ninth Woman, she crosses the stage towards the right.)
SIXTH WOMAN (walking, she talks without great gusto) Women have more freedom nowadays. They have won the right to work. They have won the right to do what they will with their bodies. They can vote. They can have abortions. They can go out on their own at night. They have won the right to use public transport. Today, there is much more equality, much more solidarity among men and women, they are all fully paid up members of society, a society that is truly developing.
(When she reaches front right, the Ninth Woman begins to cross towards the right.)
NINTH WOMAN (walking sadly with her hands on her hips) I couldn’t help it, I just couldn’t help it, he was so insistent! ‘I am frightened of getting pregnant’, I told him, but he said that just the once wouldn’t matter, just the once… and I loved him, I couldn’t say no! He was my first love, we slept together, I tried to say no, but I did love him… he threatened that if I didn’t sleep with him, he would go off with someone else. Afterwards I found out that he was going out with other women anyway, and he was saying the same thing to all of them.
(When she reaches the Sixth Woman, the Ninth Woman gives her arm and they speak together.)
SIXTH AND NINTH WOMEN What we want is to work, what we want is to sweat! For the sake of freedom, the more the better!
EIGHTH WOMAN (who in the meantime has gone up the slide and has reached the top, proclaims) A grapefruit for breakfast! (She slides down and runs round to climb up again.) A grapefruit for breakfast! (She has just slid down, she gets up and walks to the right where the Sixth and Ninth Women are standing. She has her hands on her hips.) Three ounces of lean meat or fish or a slice of cheese or a plain yoghurt or some apple juice. Use your imagination. Three ounces. Essential oils. For lunch five ounces of lean fish or grilled chicken seasoned with lemon juice. Fresh fruit salad. Half an ounce of toasted bread. Or a glass of water, or a bath, or half an hour of loving in the afternoon. Healthy living with imagination. A trickle of olive oil. Go to the beach before midday. Stay out of the sunrays.
(When she reaches the Sixth and Ninth Women, the Eighth Woman stands in between them and gives each one an arm. The three speak in chorus.)
SIXTH, EIGHTH AND NINTH WOMEN Neglect your feet, and you will get wrinkles! Diarrhoea: how to handle it! Your questions about the menopause! Your horoscope until the year 2,000!
(The Seventh Woman jumps off the rocking horse, smoothes down her clothes and primps her hair, she hangs her small handbag over her arm and starts to walk towards the others. She walks at a normal speed, without hurrying. When she gets there, she turns towards the three, bunched together front right. The Tenth Woman goes up to the slide and, with her foot on the bottom rung of the ladder, she stands there looking upwards.)
SEVENTH WOMAN (articulating clearly) When a woman meets a man in a bar, at a party, at the swimming pool, in a club or on public transport, and if she wants to get to know him, she can go up to him and start a casual conversation. She can start by saying her name…
SIXTH WOMAN (to the Eighth) Hi, I’m Ana, I have brown eyes and brown hair…
EIGHTH WOMAN (to the Ninth) Hi, I’m Maria, I like going for walks, swimming and making friends!
SEVENTH WOMAN (she stops them by raising her hand) If the attraction is mutual, she can even let him know that she would like for them to get to know each other better, and arrange another meeting. Of course, not all women are up to it, more often than not they resort to their friends’ support.
NINTH WOMAN (to the Seventh) Not long ago, when a woman met a man she was interested in, she had to wait for him to make the first move by asking for her phone number. Nowadays, the problem no longer exists.
SEVENTH WOMAN (to the Eighth) If you are attracted to a man you have just met, you can, if you want, ask him for his phone number, or even give him yours. This will allow you to ring that man at a later date should you so wish.
NINTH WOMAN (to the Seventh) On the other hand, if a woman decides to ask a man out, she will have to face the possibility of being rejected, and she’ll have to take it on the chin it.
(They are all somewhat crestfallen, while the Tenth Woman goes to the swing; she tries it out, then sits on it with great confidence, and then swings.)
TENTH WOMAN (looking upwards) All I hope is that this won’t all fall to pieces…
(Curtain.)
ACT TWO
Act Two requires four men and five women, who have no names in particular, except in certain situations. These people are designated as Men A, B, C and D, and Women A, B, C, D and E. This is an attempt to avoid psychological typecasting of the characters. They are whatever they say at a given time, and little more.
(On stage, three double beds are placed head towards back of stage; to the left of each bed is a tall bedside table, with a small lamp on each; to the right of the bed on the right, there is an open window; the stage is in darkness apart from the bedside lamp of the couple on the left, Woman A and Man A; in the middle bed are Woman B and Man B, in the right hand bed are Woman C and Man C. Couple C are sleeping, with Man C holding on to Woman C; couple B is lying apart, each on their back, looking at the ceiling; as for couple A, Woman A is crying softly, whereas Man A is sleeping with his back towards her, one arm flung over his head. Couples A and C are in pyjamas and night dresses, and couple B is topless. Man A, who is quite tall, moves and wakes up.)
MAN A (grumbling) Hey, put the light out, I can’t sleep with it on! (Pause. He turns towards Woman A.) What’s the matter?
WOMAN A (crying) Nothing.
MAN A (impatiently) But what’s the matter with you? Why aren’t you sleeping?
WOMAN A Nothing. Go back to sleep.
MAN A But what’s up? Do you think I can sleep with all this crying going on?
WOMAN A You always have done, I don’t know why it should be different now.
MAN A (trying to be understanding) Come on, tell me what’s the matter. (He moves over to her and strokes her. She moves away.)
WOMAN A (stubbornly) It’s nothing.
MAN A (falling back onto his pillow) But why won’t you tell me about it? Can’t you see I can’t get to sleep like this?
WOMAN A (still crying) It’s nothing to do with you. Don’t worry. I won’t tell you because it’s ridiculous and it would embarrass me to tell you.
MAN A Nothing to do with me? Well, who’s it to do with then?
WOMAN A With me.
MAN A Oh! And what’s to do with you has nothing to do with me?
WOMAN A No, it hasn’t.
MAN A Fine, then stop crying and let me go to sleep. (He turns his back to her and flings his arm over his head.)
WOMAN A (all of a sudden) I am scared of dying. I am scared of dying without knowing anything. I am scared of dying without having got round to knowing something. Of dying as ignorant and stupid as I am now. I am scared of dying without having learnt a thing. (Pause. She is crying.) That’s why I’m crying. Now I’ve told you, I feel even more idiotic.
MAN A (turning towards her, barely containing his annoyance) But you’re scared of dying without knowing what exactly?
WOMAN A (slowly, after a pause) I don’t know.
WOMAN B (to Man B, without turning towards him) What are you thinking about?
MAN B Hmm? Nothing.
WOMAN C (still half asleep, shaking Man C) Vergil, go and close the window, I’m getting a sore throat.
(Man C gets up and stumbles towards the window; he closes half the window. He returns to bed.)
WOMAN C (without turning round) Did you close it?
WOMAN B (neutrally) I wish I could think of nothing too.
MAN B (he turns towards her, his head resting on his arm) Are you angry?
WOMAN B Me? Why?
MAN B You sound a little strange.
WOMAN B No, it’s just you.
MAN B What is it exactly that you need to know? What I am thinking about? Or if I’m thinking about something that I shouldn’t be?
WOMAN B Don’t be stupid, do you think I want to control your thoughts or something? You don’t want to talk, you don’t want to talk, that’s all there is to it. Don’t start.
MAN B I’m not starting anything, I just don’t understand why you have to ask stupid questions.
(Woman B puts on her dressing-gown and gets out of bed. She goes round the back of the bed, out of sight. Man B looks the other way while she gets dressed and disappears.)
WOMAN C (shaking Man C) Vergil, did you close the window? I can still feel the draught! (She turns her head and sees that the window is ajar. She mutters to herself.) It’s always the same bloody thing! (She gets up and goes over to close the window noisily. She gets back into bed and puts the light on. She picks up a book and starts to read.)
(Woman A puts the light out.)
(Woman D enters on the right, wearing a long white night-dress; her face is tragically pale. She is carrying a little stool which she takes front right, and stands next to it.)
(Meanwhile, Woman C puts her book on the bedside table, carefully puts the light out after glancing at Man C, and gets out of bed; she walks over to man B who reaches out to her and moves over to the left in order to let her enter the bed on the right-hand side. They embrace, she takes off her night-dress and covers herself up. They laugh a lot in each other’s arms.)
(Woman B walks behind couple A’s bed and climbs into it over woman A who is pushed onto the floor. Woman A gets up and remains on the left side of the bed, looking on, expressionless. Man A wakes up and Woman B starts taking off his pyjama top.)
WOMAN D There was once a man in the land of Uz called Job: a sound and honest man who feared God and shunned evil. Seven sons and three daughters were born to him. And he owned seven thousand sheep, three thousand camels, five hundred yoke of oxen, five hundred she-donkeys, and many servants besides. This man was the most prosperous of all the Sons of the East. It was the custom of his sons to hold banquets in one another’s houses I turn, and to invite their three sisters to eat and drink with them. Once each series of banquets was over, Job would send for them to come and be purified, and at dawn on the following day he would make a burnt offering for each of them. ‘Perhaps’, Job would say, ‘my sons have sinned and in their heart blasphemed.’ So that was what Job used to do each time.
WOMAN B Well, is this as far as we go?
MAN A (mocking) Why, were you thinking of going somewhere?
WOMAN B (dryly) What I mean is, is this as far as we go or are we going to carry on? (Explaining.) Are we going to meet again?
MAN A Oh, I see! (Pause.) I don’t know, what do you think?
MAN B (dryly) I think we’d better stop here.
(Man A gets out of the bed on the right-hand side and disappears behind it. Woman A gets into the bed on the left-hand side and puts the light on.)
MAN A (putting his pyjama jacket back on, behind the bed and watching Woman B who has remained in bed) But it was good, wasn’t it?
MAN B (very gently, embracing Woman C) What are you thinking?
WOMAN C Nothing. (Pause. Quietly.) I was thinking of Vergil.
MAN B (letting go of her, he moves away a little) Oh, I see. (Pause.) And?
WOMAN C Nothing. This isn’t really on.
MAN B What isn’t? Being with me?
WOMAN C I don’t like cheating on him like this. It’s really not on.
MAN B But you told me you no longer loved him.
WOMAN C I don’t know. But I can’t go and leave him just like that.
MAN B But who said anything about leaving him? I really hate it when you start your offended virgin routine.
WOMAN C (teasing him) Offended virgin? Have you had a good look at my face?
MAN B (impatiently) Betrayal is always betrayal. That’s why it’s such fun.
WOMAN C (Pause.) The problem is that I don’t enjoy you any more.
MAN B (hurt) Oh, so that’s it, is it? Why didn’t you say so before? Why did you come over today?
WOMAN D (walking round the bench) One day when the sons of God came to attend on God, among them came Satan. So God said to Satan, ‘Well, where have you been?’ (mimicking an insolent Devil) ‘Oh, roaming around…’ ‘Did you go to Earth?’ asked God. ‘Did you pay any attention to my servant Job? That’s what I call a man!’ ‘Big deal, I say!’ said Satan. ‘I’d find it easy, too. With all the blessings you shower on him, why should he curse you? What reasons does he have for being evil? (Pause. Satan begins to plot.) Now then, why don’t you try and send him some misfortune, kill his cattle, take his sons away from him and see if he doesn’t start blaspheming, see if he doesn’t turn away from you?’ ‘Job?’ cried God. ‘My servant Job? Never!’ ‘Shall we make a little bet,’ asked Satan. ‘You win,’ said the Lord. ‘Take everything he owns away from him, and let’s see what he does then.’
WOMAN A (trying to convince Woman B) No, no, that was before we met! Long before Don’t you remember? (Meanwhile, Man A walks behind the bed where Woman C and Man B are lying, and rushes into Man C’s bed. Man C has woken up and is looking at the window. Man A has brought a bottle and two glasses. He puts the bottle on the bedside table, switches the light on and fills a glass for Man C and a glass for himself. Man C finally looks at Man A when he is handed his glass.)
WOMAN D (very anxiously, as though she were bearing the news herself) ‘Your sons and daughters were eating at their eldest brother’s house, when suddenly from the desert a gale sprung up and it battered the four corners of the house which fell in over the young people. (Pause.) They are all dead. I’m alone have escaped to tell you the news. (Pause.) Then Job stood up, tore his robe and shaved his head. Then, falling to the ground, he prostrated himself and said: (Pause. Woman D lies prostrate like Job.) ‘Naked I came from my mother’s womb, naked I shall return again. The Lord has given, the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of God!’
MAN C Well?
MAN A (sighing) Nothing but trouble
MAN C Oh, yes?
MAN A Yup, nothing but trouble.
(They drink in silence.)
WOMAN B (showing her nails to Woman A) They’re all chipped, I can’t do a thing with them. They keep breaking and, not only that, but they’re painful too.
WOMAN A (not overly interested) It’s because you don’t take enough vitamins.
WOMAN B (dryly) It runs in the family. It was the same with my mother. (Pause.) Did you go to Horace’s place that night?
WOMAN A You know what Augustus is like… it was Sunday, he had to go fishing. As he does every Sunday of the year. Each and every single Sunday. And as Horace’s party was on a Sunday, we couldn’t go. We went fishing.
WOMAN B Such a blasted pastime, isn’t it? How do you put up with it?
WOMAN A (expressionless) If only you knew how exciting it was when the fish bites. When at long last it bites.
(Woman B laughs out loud, Woman A looks at her without understanding why she is laughing.)
WOMAN A How about you? Why didn’t you go?
WOMAN B I had such a pile of ironing to do! There was almost two weeks’ worth! And I had to get out the summer clothes and put away the winter ones, line the cupboards, do the cooking, I don’t get any time for anything during the week… you know what my Sundays are like!
MAN A No, the bloke’s really sneaky; all I want is to smash his face in, but what can I do, he’s my boss! Either I put up with it or I pack it in. (Pause.) Would you believe it, the other day he had me making the coffee! (Exasperated.) As though I was the bloke’s secretary, can you imagine, or his wife!
MAN C Hey, I’d go straight for his nose!
MAN A Maybe he wanted to see me with an apron and bob cap on, with my arse showing, waiting on him! (Pause. He has a drink.) I told him straight, look, this is not part of my duties.
MAN C What did he say then?
MAN A ‘Your duties are whatever I tell you to do.’
MAN C (scornfully) Wanker! (Pause.) What about Lucinda?
MAN A (shrugging) Same as always.
MAN C Anything happening with that wench from Accounts?
MAN A (bored) We had a thing going on, it wasn’t too bad, but we didn’t get anywhere. Our timetables clashed. Accounts only opens at three, I have lunch at twelve, she leaves home at one and I go back to work at half past one, so you see, there was never any time. (Pause. They take a drink.) How about you?
MAN C Nothing. (Pause.) What’s her name?
MAN A Angela Maria.
(To the left, enter Man D and Woman E, holding hands. They are wearing long white tunics, they are barefoot and each is sprouting a huge pair of wings. Their faces are radiant with happiness and they are gliding along, as though in a dream, to front centre stage. Woman D, who in the meantime has sat down on her stool, gets up and walks off towards back right, watching the pair of angels suspiciously. Man C and Man A put down their glasses. Everyone puts out their bedside light and goes to sleep, except for Woman B, who gets up and moves ever so slowly up to Man D. Only the angels are lit.)
MAN D (turning slowly towards Woman E, but quite stiffly) Your purple iris…
WOMAN E (turning towards Man D) Your smooth rod…
MAN D (same movement) Your gentle orchid…
WOMAN E (same movement) Your mast of bright jacaranda…
MAN D Your fair white lily…
WOMAN E Your ship of noble bearing…
WOMAN B (stopping next to Man D, she puts her arm on his arm; she talks to him gently, as though to a child) Juvenal, how could you do this to me? How could you?
MAN D (looking at Woman E, who moves off left) I didn’t mean to hurt you.
WOMAN B We lived together for ten years! I thought you loved me!
MAN D (avoiding looking at her) I didn’t mean to hurt you.
WOMAN B It went round and round in my mind, night after night, I thought and thought, I asked myself, ‘why on earth is he with me, why doesn’t he leave?’ We have a comfortable home, don’t we? You always get whatever you need right there and then… that’s for sure. Then one day, I was going over the problem in the middle of the night, and finally it came to me. Just like that. You stayed with me all those years simply because the house was near the tube station. And the tube is five minutes from your work. (Pause.) That’s it, isn’t it? Then the bank sent you to another branch, and that was closer to her house, so you moved in. Makes sense. Much more convenient. (Pause. She remembers suddenly.) And when I went into labour with the kids, to the hospital, you would go off to her house… and those business trips… all that work, so busy all the time… why didn’t you tell me? I always thought it was my fault, that I wasn’t interesting enough… your life was so glamorous… meetings, business trips, conferences on ‘The Bank and Present-Day Society’, seminars on ‘Applied Electronics in the World of Finance’. Nothing ever happened in my job, and my life was boring, I thought it was my fault.
MAN D (sounding like a recording) I didn’t mean to hurt you.
(While they are talking, Man D escapes front left, followed by Woman B.)
WOMAN C I have to go.
(Man B switches on the bedside table light and looks at his wristwatch.)
MAN B So soon?
(Woman C gets out of bed and goes towards the bed on the right, where Man A and Man C are lying. She switches on the bedside light and clambers over Man A who is on the left, and settles between the two.)
(Woman D walks towards centre stage, from the right, carrying her stool. She stands lit up in the centre, then she sits down, in silence. Man A serves drinks to Woman C and Man C.)
MAN C No, I swear, we did it in an hour and a quarter. It was clear all the way. It can easily be done in an hour when there’s no traffic. (To the Woman.) Well, where have you been?
WOMAN C (with resentment) Around, out for a walk… (To Man A) How about you? What have you been up to?
MAN C He’s managed to pull the lady from accounts.
WOMAN C (smiling) Oh, yes? (Pause. Plaintively.) Poor Lucinda, the things she has to put up with!
MAN A I like women, what can I do about it? Some people don’t, but I just adore women. Not just this one or that one, but all of them, as soon as I set my eyes on them, I long for them, that’s me, what can I do about it? (He drinks.)
WOMAN C (after a pause) Take deep breaths — the urge will soon go away.
MAN A Women are the best thing in the world. I mean it. Some people think it’s children, but I don’t, I think it’s women. After all, if there were no women, there wouldn’t be children, would there? (They all laugh.) But once they start talking, hey, that’s when you can count me out. They just keep going on and on. (They all laugh.)
(Meanwhile, Woman B has walked up to the bed where Man B is all alone. She gets into bed. From now on, Man D remains alone, in an intense spot of light.)
WOMAN B We have to talk.
MAN B (who is getting ready to take her in his arms) Does it have to be now?
WOMAN B (moving away) We won’t get anywhere like this.
MAN B But why is it we always have to talk about things?
(Woman A gets out of bed and stands up, next to the bed, turned towards the left.)
WOMAN D (falling flat on her face, she curses) Perish the day on which I was born and the night that was told of a boy conceived. May that day be darkness, may God on high have no thought for it! May no light shine on it! May murk and shadow dark as death claim it for their own, clouds hang over it, eclipse swoop down on it! From the days of the year let it be excluded, into the reckoning of the months not find its way! And may that night be sterile, devoid of any cries of joy! Let obscurity seize on it and let it wait in vain for light! Dark be the stars of its morning and let it never see the opening eyes of dawn! Let it be cursed by those who curse certain days, those most able to call up the Leviathan, for not shutting the doors of the womb on me to hide sorrow from my eyes!
MAN D (sincerely) I didn’t mean to hurt you!
MAN A What do you expect me to do?
WOMAN B What’s the matter with you?
MAN C What are you thinking about?
MAN B What more do you want?
WOMAN A (Pause.) It could be much worse!
(The questions are repeated in chorus.)
WOMAN A (Pause.) It could be much worse!
(Woman D carries her stool to the right and sits down on it.)
MAN C It’s true that women are much better than men.
WOMAN C Better? I think they’re much worse. They’re jealous, scheming, domineering…
MAN A (interrupting her, ecstatically) But they’re lovely, so lovely!
MAN C What about the ugly ones?
MAN A There’ s no such thing as an ugly woman.
MAN C Isn’t there? How about that colleague of yours, Adeline? (They all laugh.)
MAN A She’s a man dressed up like a woman. (Pause.) No, seriously, even at work women are more efficient than men, and…
WOMAN C (interrupting) But only when they don’t have to take their kids to the doctor’s, or when they’re not on maternity leave, or when they’re not late in the morning because the nursery was late opening, or when they don’t decide to take time off when they come on…
MAN A (interrupting) Yes, yes, those are the annoying bits, but…
WOMAN C (interrupting) Let me tell you, I wouldn’t employ women where I work.
MAN C It’s just that in the short time they do work, they do the work of two men put together.
WOMAN C More than you, that’s for sure, you’re nothing but a fool. I can just see you spending all day scratching your…
MAN A (interrupting her quickly) I only do that in the mornings! (They all laugh.)
MAN C There’s one woman at work who has three or four children. One day we started chatting — God, she’s got an awful life! Her husband’s left her, he gives her no housekeeping, she hasn’t seen him for two years, her parents live heaven knows where, in Leiria, I think, something like that, the poor woman has to earn enough money to keep them all… she’s barely got an O-level to her name…
WOMAN C (earnestly) Poor thing! What an awful story! (Pause.) A few days ago, a woman like that came for an interview, but I couldn’t, no way, they only start taking time off and then I’m the one who’s left high and dry, and end up having to do everything!
MAN C I still don’t understand exactly what kind of work you do, Maria Clara! If we don’t get a man to come and repair the bath at home, you say, ‘I have to do everything!’, if you get a female worker instead of a male worker, you again go on and on about all the work you have to do. But how on earth does it increase your workload? You’re the overseer at the factory, not one of the workers!
WOMAN C (quite peeved) Well, I have to keep my eye on her, I have to sack her, I have to get someone in to replace her, you can’t begin to imagine how much time I waste! But of course, if you would only think a little before opening your mouth, you wouldn’t say so many stupid things!
(They stop talking and drink in silence. Woman A, standing next to the bed on the left, sighs.)
MAN C (to himself) Well I think that men and women are getting to be more and more like each other, all equally obnoxious.
WOMAN C What you’d like is for me to go back home and be your little maid, to wash your dishes and iron your shirts…
MAN C (interrupting furiously) You have never…
WOMAN C (carrying on, even louder) You’d like that, wouldn’t you?
MAN C Maria Clara, you have never washed a single plate up in your entire bloody life! Never! It’s always been me who’s had to look after the house and I’d have to look after the kids too, if we had any!
WOMAN C (aghast) Kids?
WOMAN D (soberly, in an almost neutral tone of voice, asking rhetorical questions) ‘Why didn’t I die in my mother’s womb? Why didn’t I perish as I left the womb?’
MAN B I cannot bear those kinds of people. I cannot bear those kinds of conversations. I just cannot. And then there’s that Mary I-don’t-know-what, she’s such a moron, it’s as though she’s from another planet, she doesn’t even seem to live in our world! I haven’t got the patience.
WOMAN B No one’s forcing you to go, they’re not even your friends.
MAN B I’m sorry, but those people really get to me.
WOMAN B (irritably) I’ve already said you don’t have to go! They’re not your friends, they’re mine! And if they annoy you, it’s only because they talk about things you don’t understand…
MAN B (interrupting) Things I am not interested in!
WOMAN B (shocked) Friendship, love, God, these are things that do not interest you?
(At this point, Man D starts walking stiffly towards Woman A, who remains standing next to the bed.)
MAN B But do you realise what those people are? They are CIA agents! (Pause. Emphatically.) CIA agents! They pretend to belong to a religious sect and they recruit fools from the countries they go to, and then those fools go around preaching that shit about universal love and brotherhood to other cretins who gather up even more fools to listen to them read the Bible.
WOMAN B You’re not right in the head! (Pause.) Do you know what I think? I think you’re totally materialistic and you’re not in the least interested in anything that might be a bit more spiritual. (Pause. After some thought.) And you absolutely hate seeing people who are lower down than you trying to make a go of themselves.
MAN B (getting out of bed, patronizingly) That does it, Maria dos Anjos, that does it! You have just painted my portrait to a T. The likeness is so good that you’d expect it to talk any minute now. (Pause.) Now, you will excuse me, but I have to go out now.
(While Woman B gets out of bed on the left-hand side, Man B puts his pyjama jacket on and walks off towards the bed occupied by Woman C, Man C and Man A.)
(Man D places himself in front of Woman A, his posture mimicking the Annunciation to Mary and the woman kneels down, bowing her head. She covers her face with her arm, as though blinded by light.)
WOMAN A Who are you?
MAN D (who talks like a priest, unctuously suave, preachy) I am the Angel of Relationships.
WOMAN D What do you want of me?
MAN D To help you, Lucinda, once you’ve confided your troubles to me.
MAN B May we come in?
WOMAN C (astonished) Look who it is! Come in! Come In!
MAN A I was just about to go out. (He gets out of bed, and shakes Man B’s hand.) Well, then, how are things? (To the other two, who remained in bed.) All jazzed up, you rogue, have you lot noticed? (He goes up closer to him.) And you smell wonderful! (To Man B.) New girlfriend?
MAN B Only old ones.
MAN A Much safer that way. (To the others.) See you Sunday. We’re all going, aren’t we? I’ll get the lobster.
WOMAN C We’ll meet up there.
MAN C Don’t forget Lucinda! (They all laugh.)
MAN A (walking away) She can go hang! (They all laugh.)
MAN D I shall grant you three wishes, as long as they obey the rules and are within my power.
WOMAN A (finally looking at him, but keeping her arm in front of her eyes.) Three wishes? (Pause.) I don’t have that many…
MAN D (slightly impatient) Ask for whatever you want, woman… happiness, wealth, faith, whatever you want… plenty, children, bushels of wheat, corn, rye, camels…
WOMAN A I do not want camels.
(Man B gets into bed and remains on the left-hand side, where Man A had been. Man A walks behind the beds to his place in his bed, which he gets into as well. At the same time, Woman A leaves the Angel standing. Woman B cannot be seen behind bed B.)
WOMAN A Horace came looking for you.
MAN A What did he want?
WOMAN A He didn’t say. I don’t think he wanted anything special. We chatted for a while.
MAN A Chatted? What about?
WOMAN A About privatization.
MAN A That guy doesn’t half like to talk about Union stuff! I have warned him I don’t know how many times that he’ll land himself in trouble one of these days!
WOMAN A (very seriously) He thought he could confide in me.
MAN A I’m sure. He just couldn’t keep quiet, more like it!
WOMAN A I think he likes to talk to me. I usually have a lot of time for him. I might be able to learn something. You never tell me anything.
WOMAN C (to Man B) Have you met Vergil?
MAN C (staring at Man B) I’ve seen his face somewhere before.
MAN B That’s funny, I feel I’ve seen him some place, too… In the Técnico?
MAN C No… but I’ve seen that face before… what do you want to drink?
MAN B Anything, as long as it’s alcoholic. (They all laugh.)
MAN C (chattily) So, how’s work?
MAN D (softly, to Woman A) Lucinda, my child, I have other things to see to…
WOMAN A (thumping the mattress vigorously) I want revenge, I want revenge, I want revenge! That’s my wish. Oh Angel, that’s my only wish! I want revenge, I want to hurt him so badly that he would never ever be able to forget me… I want to brand him… scar him for life, give him an incurable disease, poison him… (the angel is shocked at Lucinda’s anger) suffocate him, throw him in the river, I want to see him struggle for life in front of my very eyes, stick a pair of scissors in his… (Man D makes a half-hearted attempt to cover his genitals and interrupts her, scared)
MAN D (the noise one makes to stop horses) Whoa! (Pause, to allow Lucinda to calm down.) Lucinda, my child, how much hatred you harbour in your heart! Your heart should be free of such feelings, and should concentrate entirely on love, on giving love!
WOMAN A (turning towards Man A, still furious) If I wasn’t unfaithful to you, it was only because it never happened. Because I never actually got the chance.
MAN A (laughing) You? But who would have touched you, my dear?
WOMAN A (offended, more calmly) Lots of people. Horace, for example.
MAN A (suddenly interested) Horace? Did he ever try anything?
WOMAN A No, but a woman is aware of such things.
MAN A (laughing) You’re mad. It’s all in your mind.
WOMAN A Wait and see.
WOMAN D (sitting down, with feeling) ‘Is not human life on earth just conscript service, do we not live a hireling’s life? Like a slave, sighing for the shade, or a hireling with no thought but for his wages, I have months of suffering and nights of terrible pain for my lot. Lying in bed, I wonder, ‘When will it be day, so I can get up?’ no sooner up than, ‘When will evening come?’ and crazy thoughts obsess me till twilight falls. (Pause.) My flesh is rotten, it is covered in vermin, my skin is cracked and oozing pus. (Pause.) Swifter than a weaver’s shuttle my days have passed, and it ends now through lack of thread! Remember that my life is but a breath… I shall never again see joy! The eye that once saw me will look on me no more, your eyes will turn my way, and I shall not be there. (Pause. Emotionally.) Like a cloud that dissolves and is gone, so no one who enters the tomb ever comes up again, ever goes home again, and his house knows that person no more. (Pause. Decisively.) That is why I cannot keep quiet: in my anguish of spirit I shall speak, and in my bitterness of soul I shall complain. (Pause. Complaining.) Am I the Sea, or some Dragon, that you should set the guards against me? If I say, ‘My bed will comfort me and ease my suffering,’ you then frighten me with nightmares and visions! Strangling would seem welcome in comparison, death preferable to what I suffer! (Pause.) I shall not live for ever, my days will go swiftly by. (Pause.) What is man that you should take him so seriously and he should subjected to your scrutiny? Why do you examine him every morning, why do you spy on him constantly? Will you never take your eyes off me? Will you ever give me time to swallow my spittle? (Pause.) Suppose I have sinned, what harm have I done to you, oh watcher of humanity? Why do you choose me as your target? Why should I be a burden to you? Can you not tolerate my sin and overlook my fault? For soon I shall be lying in dust, you will look for me and I shall be no more.’
MAN A AND MAN B (in chorus) Don’t make a scene!
(Woman D sits down again on her stool, intimidated.)
MAN B (enthusiastically, to Man C and Woman C) No, it’s all a matter of technique, it’s pure technique! Someone who can play with such inspiration almost makes a bloke turn to religion… That goal was… (he searches for the word) sublime!
WOMAN C (shaking her head) I can’t see that at all! All I see is a man who knows what he is doing, nothing more! And he is lucky, he is a man with tremendous luck, and that counts a lot during the game!
MAN C (timidly) Well, the defence helps quite a bit.
WOMAN C (teasingly) The defence helps quite a bit? What can he possibly mean by, ‘the defence helps quite a bit’? Do you have any idea at all of what we are talking about? (To Man B) I don’t understand a thing about football, I only like to watch it every now and then, but this one (she points to Man C) he’s hopeless!
MAN B What’s your sport then?
MAN C Killing time. I’m good at that. And I enjoy watching too.
(Man B and Woman C look at one another without understanding.)
(Woman B appears and remains next to bed B, looking at Man B, who is still next to Woman C.)
WOMAN A (nervously) Maybe you think I’m not attractive to other men?
MAN A (laughing) Not unless they’re flies!
WOMAN A (starting a tantrum) You’ll see if I can’t attract a man, they’re not all brutes like you, I just want to see the look on your face… you’ll see!
MAN A (cuttingly) Don’t you start one of your scenes. If you want men, go to them, just don’t bother me any more.
(Woman A turns her back to Man A and starts crying. Man A looks at her, sighs, shrugs, and turns his back to her.)
MAN D (softly, to Lucinda) Lucinda, my child, I have to go. I’ll come round later to see if you have made up your mind. But we do have rather a lot to talk about. (He starts off towards bed B, walking in front of bed A. He talks to himself.) A neurotic woman, just my luck. She lacks self-confidence, she lacks a strongly structured personality, she lacks a father, she lacks a mother, look, she lacks love, she lacks everything! It’s a self-destructive process, she’s incapable of projecting herself into a self-sufficient future... And she lacks charity! She’s pure resentment… (he blesses himself) my God, what a scene!
WOMAN B (slowly, to Man B) Yesterday I saw you on the ferry. You were keeping fine company.
MAN B (not understanding) Did you leave earlier than usual, then?
WOMAN B I wasn’t feeling too well. I was a bit upset. I think we should settle this matter. (Pause.) You’re in love with her, aren’t you?
MAN B (looking all around, intimidated) You’re not going to make a scene here…
WOMAN B Are you or are you not?
MAN B In love with who? I don’t know what you’re talking about.
WOMAN B Hey, you were so engrossed with her that you didn’t even see me! You were all over her, kissing her and mauling her, and you dare ask me that?
MAN B Has it gone through your head that it just might not have been me?
WOMAN B (she gawks at him) Of course it was you, I know it was you, do you think I can’t recognize you?
MAN B Well then, tell me what I was wearing.
WOMAN B (quite at a loss) How do you expect me to have noticed what you were wearing, what’s that got to do with anything? Are you mad, or what? I saw it was you with a blonde woman, I saw it was you on the 6.15 ferry, I saw it was you because I know you, now I’m the one who has to justify myself?
MAN B Don’t talk so loudly and don’t make a scene. Calm down. For a start, yesterday I didn’t take the ferry, I took the car. Then, I only left work at half past six because I had such a lot to do, that bloody Veiga turned up with a pile of things to do, you know what he’s like… (Woman B nods, still gawking) and besides which, I wasn’t wearing my brown jacket.
WOMAN B (despairing) But who said anything about a brown jacket?
MAN B You did! Don’t you remember? When I asked you what I was wearing. Don’t you remember? You see!
WOMAN B (screaming) I said nothing of the sort!
MAN B Calm down, don’t make a scene. Oh yes you did, but you can’t remember, never mind, it doesn’t matter.
(Woman B quietens down, drops her arms in an expression of utter defeat. She gets into bed, lies face down, her arms stretched out, like on a cross.)
WOMAN D (getting up) ‘How could anyone claim to be upright before God? Anyone trying to argue with him, could not give him one answer in a thousand! His heart is so wise, his power is so great, who could ever stand up to him and remain unpunished? He moves the mountains without their knowing it is his anger that brings them down! He shakes the earth, he tumbles the pillars that hold it up! He says to the Sun, ‘Do not rise!’, he sets a seal on the stars in the heavens! He and no other has stretched out the heavens and trampled on the back of the Sea! He has made the Bear and Orion, the Pleiades, and the Mansions of the South. He is the creator of unfathomable wonders, of marvels beyond the wildest imagination. (Pause.) He passes me by and I do not see him, he slips by, imperceptible to me. (Pause.) If he should want to steal, who would stop him? Who would dare ask him, ‘Why did you do that?’’
MAN A, MAN B AND MAN C (in chorus, to Woman D) Well, what’s the big deal?
MAN D Cry, my daughter, let it all out! Show your anger, your impotence, all those negative feelings that you nourish in your inner self…
WOMAN B (raising her head, wiping away her tears) Juvenal? What are you doing here?
MAN D I am here to help you to find your way. So that you may acknowledge the true essence of your inner self.
WOMAN B My inner self would be much better if you hadn’t forced me to live this kind of life! Always chasing, always looking for love and always being kicked around by others!
MAN D Security does not exist, Angela Maria, it is an illusion. Security lies within you, you have to be yourself, my dear, you must get to know yourself! Go to a beauty salon, my dear, have a course of ginseng and seaweed, look after yourself and your body, have some massage, if you don’t love yourself, who else will?
WOMAN B You’re telling me! But when we were married, I felt a little safer.
MAN D Illusions, my child, Angela Maria, those were only illusions! You must live your life to the full, without resenting your previous life, take all your desires on board, as well as your sexuality, which is that of a mature woman… (Pause. Woman B hides her face in her arm once more.) Go on, I’ll grant you two wishes!
WOMAN B Usually, it’s three. (Man D shakes his head in denial.) Take me with you, Juvenal, I’m so sick of this world!
MAN D That’s one gone.
WOMAN B Hey, that one didn’t count!
MAN D Come on, there’s one left!
Woman B Oh, I know you, Juvenal, you’ll manage to lumber me with things that I do not want or need!
MAN D You never accept what is given to you willingly and you always want more than you deserve. But work is work, a job is a job, and you still have one wish left.
WOMAN B Hey, let go of my hand! You selling encyclopaedias, or what?
(To the left, enter Woman E complete with wings; she struggles towards Man D, trying to move without breaking or spoiling her appendages.)
WOMAN E Come, my love, come! Come and rest your weary head on my breast! Night is falling already over the hills, the mighty Cyclops has already closed his eye beneath his heavy eyelid…
MAN D (to Woman E, who is still next to Woman B, getting more and more impatient) Not now, Ricardina Marta! Can’t you see I’m in the middle of a job? Wait for me outside.
(Woman E turns round and starts to make her way to where she came in.)
MAN D (to Woman B) That stubbornness will be your downfall, my girl! You must make the transference, or else we’ll be in a fine state. Speak, Angela Maria, speak, let it all out…
MAN B (to Woman C, in secret) Well, how about Saturday?
WOMAN C We’ll see. I don’t know if I can get away. We’re having drinks at Augustus’s.
MAN B I thought that was on Sunday.
WOMAN C Saturday or Sunday… I don’t know… I’ll see later… why don’t you call the other woman?
MAN B What other woman?
WOMAN C That other one… your weekday girlfriend.
MAN B I don’t have another girlfriend.
WOMAN C That’s a pity, you could do with one. It’s always good to have someone in reserve.
MAN B Shall I phone you on Friday?
WOMAN D (she gets up, picks up her stool and starts walking towards back right. Her back is turned to the audience, but she turns to them every time she speaks.) ‘Who am I to stand up to him, to argue against Him? Even if I were upright, I would not answer Him back! Better to plead for his mercy! And if he deigned to answer my call, I cannot believe he would listen to what I said. He can crush me easily and multiply my wounds for no reason. He wouldn’t let me regain my breath, but would fill me with bitterness. Should I try force? Look how strong he is! Or go to court? But who will summon him? If I prove myself upright, his mouth may condemn me! Even if I am innocent, he will pronounce me guilty. (Pause.) I am innocent! I no longer care what happens to me, it is life itself I despise, nothing matters to me any more! That is why I say: he destroys innocent and guilty alike. When a sudden deadly scourge descends, he laughs at the plight of the innocent. He placed the country in the power of the wicked and veiled the faces of its judges! (Pause.) Or, if not he, who then does all these things?
(When Woman D is about to leave on the right, Man D walks away from Woman B’s bed and watches Woman D. Man B looks at his watch and says goodbye to Man C with a handshake, to Woman C with a kiss; he leaves bed C and stands between bed C and bed B; Woman A ‘gets up’, walks behind the bed and stands between bed A and bed B, Man B and Woman A look at each other.)
MAN D (shouting at Woman D) It’s the mystery of suffering!
MAN B (to Woman B, pointing to Man D) Who’s the Big Bird?
WOMAN B It’s Juvenal.
MAN D (to Man B, pointing at Woman B) Well, what do you think?
MAN B (shrugging) Not bad, but she’s a bit of a pain. She’s always making a scene.
MAN D You must be more affectionate and try to understand her.
MAN B Why should I be more affectionate and understanding if she can’t be bothered either? (In a tell-tale tone.) She’s always complaining, she’s always accusing me of something or other, always blaming me for every single little thing.
MAN D What’s your name?
MAN B Mark Anthony, why?
MAN D Well now, Mark Anthony, you have to take this woman as she is and not as you’d like her to be; you must accept her and love her and respect her… towards one another, we must always be…
MAN B (interrupting, pointing to Woman A) Yes, I know all about that, but I’ve got things to do now. We’ll talk again some other time.
MAN D I have some wishes to grant you…
MAN B (who, having started to walk towards Woman A, stops dead in his tracks) Oh, yes? Wishes?
MAN D (suddenly enthusiastic at Man B’s show of interest) Anything you want that is within my power. Happiness, money, love, trips abroad, I can even tell you something about your future, should you be at all interested…
MAN B So you’re a kind of astrologer, are you? (He comes up to Man D.) Where will I be in ten years time?
MAN D (after pausing for thought) You will be here, right on this very spot. Just where your feet are now.
MAN B (looking down at his feet, thoughtfully) Right here?
MAN D Only you’ll be wearing other shoes.
MAN B Well, what about this wishes thing, how many do I get?
MAN D (regretfully) No more now, I’m afraid. Telling the future is the same as granting five wishes. You still owe me two.
MAN B Was that it, then? All this just to tell me that in ten years time I’ll be back here, but with another pair of shoes on?
WOMAN B It’s more than you deserve.
(Man D makes a gesture to calm them down. Then he turns to the audience, walks slowly to the front centre stage, goes to say something and opens his arms as though about to give a blessing, then he gives up, walking off stage, to the left.)
(Meanwhile, Woman A is about to throw herself at Man B and Man B holds out his arms to her.)
WOMAN A I am Lucinda.
MAN B I am Mark Anthony.
WOMAN B (turning around suddenly) Say no more!
MAN B Here I am.
(Woman B gets out of bed and walks towards Man A, who is alone. She walks behind the bed, then gets in. Woman C gets out of bed and looks furiously at Man B, hands on her hips; Man C sighs and turns his back to the scene.)
(Meanwhile, Man D enters again on the left, having made up his mind to speak. He stops as soon as he gets on stage and, brightly lit, he readies himself to deliver his sermon.)
(Curtain.)
THIRD INTERLUDE
(On stage are five women. Three of them are front left, sitting next to each other on a settee; the other two are centre right, one is lying in bed and the other is sitting at her feet, with her back to the audience.)
(In the centre, there is a large grandfather clock with its pendulum swinging.)
(The women on the settee are, from left to right, the Eleventh, Twelfth and Thirteenth; the Fourteenth is the one lying in bed and the Fifteenth is sitting at the foot of the bed.)
(Four men will appear briefly towards the end of the third interlude. These men are the First, Second, Third and Fourth.)
ELEVENTH I don’t know, I’d like to, but they’re so much work!
TWELFTH You can say that again! They turn your life completely upside down!
THIRTEENTH But they are so sweet! Especially when they’re tiny!
TWELFTH Then you can’t go anywhere. If you’ve no one to help, you’ve had it.
ELEVENTH That’s right. They’re so much work. And we’re both more or less settled in our way of life…
TWELFTH You’ll have no more weekends.
THIRTEENTH You won’t even be able to go to the cinema.
TWELFTH I must say I had a neighbour…
ELEVENTH Yes, you’re right, maybe I’d better not.
TWELFTH But they’re still the best little things in the world…
THIRTEENTH That’s for sure…
TWELFTH And to think that before it used to be quite normal, to get married and… (She stops in mid-sentence.)
ELEVENTH (looking at the Twelfth) It’s unbelievable, isn’t it?
FOURTEENTH It didn’t hurt at all.
FIFTEENTH (neutrally) So you said.
FOURTEENTH It hurt a bit to start with; but then I controlled myself, I started my breathing technique, and then it was all over. (Pause.) It was easy.
FIFTEENTH (she gets up and turns towards the Fourteenth) When are you going home?
THIRTEENTH Oh, I don’t think so at all. I think that men nowadays share much of the housework, they’re much more responsible…
TWELFTH (interrupting) Oh, I don’t think so at all! At least amongst those men I know, nothing has changed… one or other might try and do a little something in the house, when they’ve been nagged long enough, when they’ve been blackmailed a little, like ‘either you do the dishes or you won’t get any of the other…’
ELEVENTH There was a time when Mario and I would spend whole days like that. We’d have the most complicated arguments, the dining room table was just like a negotiating table… (They laugh.) We managed to make a rota, he would lay the table one day and I would do the cooking and he would wash up, and the next day we would swap, and it was all such a muddle. It turned out that on the days when he had most of the work to do, he’d get these unexpected invitations out to dinner, or have late-night meetings; I did my best to stick to our timetable, but of course the whole thing turned sour. And after a while we realised that either we put an end to the rota or our relationship wouldn’t last much longer.
TWELFTH I went through something like that too, I’ve been there too. Do you know how I solved the problem? I got a cleaning lady. It’s expensive, but it’s worth it.
THIRTEENTH You got a woman in to sort out the problem you had with a man… George, my partner, now he’s amazing that way. He won’t even let me into the kitchen… He does the laundry, the mending, he’s ever so tidy, he does all the cooking and the ironing…
TWELFTH Stop, you’re making me sick! What a perfect man! You’ll probably tell me now that he also plays the piano and speaks French too!
ELEVENTH He really is like that, I’ve met him. I’ve been to their house.
TWELFTH Tell me more!
THIRTEENTH You’re being a pain! A pain and a bore!
TWELFTH (laughing) Can’t you lend him to me at weekends? Or else let me hire him by the hour!
ELEVENTH It’s true, everything glistens, they have a beautiful house.
TWELFTH (looking at the Thirteenth, who is crestfallen, then at the Eleventh) You can tell me later. (To the Thirteenth.) I was only teasing, you know, you don’t have to take everything so seriously.
THIRTEENTH It’s because of women like you that things are as they are for women.
TWELFTH (to the Eleventh) Now what have I done?
ELEVENTH You know that Rafaella’s really touchy about this sort of thing. (Pause.) But has he arrived yet?
FOURTEENTH It didn’t hurt at all.
FIFTEENTH (standing, leaning on the headboard) So you said. (Pause. After a sigh.) When I went through it, I thought I was turning into a werewolf (looking at her hands) with my bones twisting out of shape… and I could feel my hips opening up… and I was changing into something else… into an animal… a she-wolf, something like that… I remember screaming… well, it wasn’t quite screaming… nor was it howling, it was more like bellowing, a sound like… I don’t know… like cows make, perhaps… (she ‘moos’)… a prehistoric kind of sound, quite uncivilized.
FOURTEENTH That’s because you didn’t do your ante-natal classes.
FIFTEENTH I always thought that pain and love were closely related. But I was wrong.
(The Fifteenth Woman walks alongside the bed, from one side to the other, slowly; the Fourteenth tries to find a comfortable position in bed.)
THIRTEENTH The Ozonizer. That’s what it is. It purifies the water, removes germs, so it’s actually good for the stomach, the liver, the bowels and for losing weight.
TWELFTH What’s it called?
ELEVENTH The Ozonizer. Do you really think it works?
TWELFTH If it’s good for losing weight, then I want one too.
THIRTEENTH It’s not that I’m overweight. My problem is cellulite.
TWELFTH Is that thingy also good for cellulite?
ELEVENTH What really does work is a kind of infusion just for cellulite.
TWELFTH (looking at the Grandfather clock) I’d need to put on a few pounds here. (She points to her bosom.) But I’m frightened of the operation, how do I know I’ll like them afterwards? And then I’ll have to carry them around in front of me, I think it might be a bit uncomfortable.
THIRTEENTH I think it’s so stupid to take a little bit from here and put it there, to plump this bit up, then empty that bit out. It’s just another kind of oppression, only this time, the women bring it on themselves, and on their own bodies, too!
TWELFTH My dear, you sound like a recording from the Seventies!
ELEVENTH But do you realize the Seventies are coming back into fashion? Both in the way we dress and in the way we think, they say it’s going to be pretty much the same sort of thing all over again. I read something about it just the other day.
FIFTEENTH Well, where’s Victor?
FOURTEENTH He’s had a lot to do in court. I haven’t seen him for a few days.
FIFTEENTH (ironically) I heard he wasn’t too well during your labour.
FOURTEENTH (seriously) Poor thing! He had told me it made him feel queasy, but I never thought…
ELEVENTH I don’t like it.
TWELFTH I do.
THIRTEENTH Well, it depends.
TWELFTH It’s only my opinion.
ELEVENTH Of course it’s your opinion.
TWELFTH Every one’s entitled to their own opinion, aren’t they?
THIRTEENTH It’s just that there are opinions and opinions.
TWELFTH (scornfully) And are you telling me perhaps that yours is worth more than mine?
ELEVENTH Not at all, everyone’s entitled to their own opinion. She thinks one way and you think another way, that’s all there is to it.
TWELFTH What gets to me is that she thinks she is always right!
THIRTEENTH That’s because I deal with facts, I base my opinions on concrete facts, I am able to prove them, I can argue in a rational way! All you lot say is ‘I adore this’, or ‘I loathe that’, but none of you has the slightest ability to make a critical judgement!
TWELFTH And you do, I suppose? You’re like an ecological tract, you always seem to be quoting something from a handbook, all you talk about is the Amazon, oil spillages, nuclear energy, all sorts of things that are happening miles and miles away and are nothing to do with us! You’re the one who cannot make a critical judgement!
ELEVENTH Oh, Rafaela, Mina is a little bit right! Sometimes you…
TWELFTH You see? It’s two against one straight away… we must be right then!
THIRTEENTH I’d rather talk about the Amazon than about your stuff and nonsense. And if being right depends on the number of people agreeing, and if majorities are always right, then I’ll shut up, so as not appear antidemocratic…
(The Fifteenth Woman sits down again at the foot of the bed, this time facing the audience.)
FOURTEENTH I really wasn’t expecting what happened! (Pause.) His face drained of all colour, he went all glassy-eyed, he was gasping for breath, ‘I think I’m going to faint, I think I’m going to faint’, then he was sick, nearly all over the nurse, he only just missed her… they sent him out of the room at once and I hadn’t even started pushing yet! Can you imagine how I felt! And I haven’t seen him since. He still hasn’t seen the baby.
FIFTEENTH (distractedly) Never mind, you’ll have forgotten all about it in a couple of weeks.
FOURTEENTH It was all my fault, I really shouldn’t have insisted he came. Women’s stuff is women’s stuff.
FIFTEENTH (ironically) You rushed things too much. First you should have shown him a chick hatching from an egg, then a baby bunny being born from the mummy bunny, then a calf being born and then later, when you thought he might be totally familiar with the process, bang!, that’s when you could have told him that you wanted him at the birth of your child.
FOURTEENTH (bitterly) You can laugh! The fact is that he has disappeared and I don’t even know if he is going to come and fetch me.
FIFTEENTH (contrite) You’re right.
TWELFTH I haven’t got patience to watch every day. The story doesn’t seem to be getting anywhere.
ELEVENTH Yes, but that’s because you don’t follow it every day. I think it’s very interesting.
TWELFTH And the men are all rather ugly.
THIRTEENTH That story really annoys me!
TWELFTH It seems that the one who plays Claudia has had some sort of nervous problem.
ELEVENTH So I heard. She’s married to Nelson, or she was, or something like that…
TWELFTH They’ve already split up. That’s why she was in a rest home… he left her for the one who plays Angelica.
THIRTEENTH Those things they print in magazines are all made up! Actors don’t even notice them, or else they’d spend their time suing for libel…
TWELFTH No, but it must be true, because I read the same story in other magazines! Nelson left Claudia for Angelica – besides, she is much prettier!
ELEVENTH She may not be prettier, but she is taller!
TWELFTH I’m sorry, but she does have beautiful eyes!
THIRTEENTH (moodily) And do you think he left the other one because this one was prettier?
TWELFTH No, it was because she was more concerned with the Amazon!
(The Eleventh and Twelfth laugh while the Thirteenth shrugs.)
FIFTEENTH What are the nurses like?
FOURTEENTH Some are nice, others are rough and ready, there are all sorts. But the food is good and everything is more or less clean…
FIFTEENTH (interrupting, suddenly livening up) But he is so cute… so pink… so perfect… with his little fingers… his tiny feet…
FOURTEENTH (smiling, all gooey) He is wonderful! And he’s so quiet, he’s such a little darling… He’s ready to go home, but now this thing has cropped up…
FIFTEENTH When will you get the test results?
THIRTEENTH This is what I do: I watch no more television after nine o’clock; I read a book quietly, or I play a game of Solitaire, or I just sit with my eyes closed. George massages my shoulders for me to relax, we play records quietly, Indian music, or something that doesn’t make too much noise and that helps us.
TWELFTH What a performance!
ELEVENTH I take a Valium, and Bob’s your uncle!
TWELFTH What I find hard is waking up at seven every morning, not the going to sleep bit! I could sleep on a clothes’ line
THIRTEENTH (who has been waiting her turn) … then I take a Valerian and Orange Blossom tablet, I do those breathing exercises I learnt at Yoga…
TWELFTH Have you ever tried warm milk and honey?
ELEVENTH It’s wonderful! But it only works if you’re already sleepy.
TWELFTH It would seem that what really works… (Pause. She breaks off. She looks at the grandfather clock.) It doesn’t usually take this long!
THIRTEENTH And I have things to do!…
(The Fourteenth tries to sit up in bed and the Fifteenth gets up to help her.)
FOURTEENTH No, it’s alright, leave it, I can manage.
FIFTEENTH (going up to her) You look awful! Haven’t you been sleeping?
FOURTEENTH There’s always noise at night, you know how it is. There is always someone awake, or moaning with pain, or calling the nurse, or breast-feeding, there’re always people stomping up and down the corridor. Sometimes they don’t even put the lights out.
FIFTEENTH But that’s awful! You need to rest!
FOURTEENTH I’ll rest later, when I get home.
FIFTEENTH And do you have anyone to help you? Do you want me to come and take you home?
THIRTEENTH But one should never do that!
TWELFTH (astonished) Why not?
ELEVENTH It seems they’ve found out that it’s harmful.
TWELFTH Harmful? Harmful to what?
THIRTEENTH Loads of studies have been carried out on that by the Americans — they even showed a programme about it on telly last week. Didn’t you see it?
TWELFTH (somewhat alarmed) No, no I didn’t see it. But what is it harmful to?
ELEVENTH They say it’s harmful to the environment. For the rivers and so on…
TWELFTH (relieved) God, you scared me! I thought it was something serious!
THIRTEENTH (excited) And I suppose that’s not serious Don’t you care about what could happen to our environment? Aren’t you worried about the future? Don’t you care about rivers, forests, the atmosphere… whales?
TWELFTH Whales?
ELEVENTH (looking to the left, off stage) Look, he’s arrived! (Off stage.) Hi! We were beginning to think you weren’t coming! (Pause.) No, it’s just a question of cutting it, it’ll be quick… OK. See you soon.
(On the right, after peeping in, enter the First Man. He remains back right, almost hidden by the curtain. The women all turn round to watch what’s going on with great interest.)
FIRST MAN My name is Bartolomeu Dias and I am a secondary school teacher. I’m doing exercises in formation. (He waves off stage, calling the other men who enter and bunch up behind him.)
SECOND MAN My name is Tristão Vaz Teixeira and I am a small to medium farmer.
THIRD MAN My name is Diogo Cão and I am a young man looking for his first job. I’ve just finished sixth form.
FOURTH MAN My name is Manuel Bernardes and two years ago I set up a medium-sized employment agency. I am a successful young businessman.
FIRST MAN All we want to do is to say how much we — as workers united in a single cause — support women’s struggles for freedom and equal rights… (All the men nod their heads vigorously. The First Man pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket.) I even have a few things written down here that I’d like to talk about… ‘My friends here and I…’
(Curtain.)
ACT THREE
Cast
HUGUINHO, Zézinho’s brother
ZÉZINHO
LUISINHO
COSTA, Felícia’s boyfriend
ANITA, the none too pretty birthday girl
FELÍCIA
BOLINHA, Anita’s cousin
MARTA, Felícia’s friend
MARGARIDA, Marta’s friend
(The third act takes place during a party. The room is festooned with balloons and other decorations, and across the stage is a banner which reads Happy Birthday Anita. On the left is a table with drinks and glasses, cakes and sandwiches; above, on the right, there is a wide open window; next to the window is a record player; there is a bookshelf holding books, there are chairs around the room and two settees front right.
The stage is in darkness and when the lights go on, all the actors — four women and four men — shout out, Surprise! Surprise! facing the audience, and they throw confetti and streamers; they are wearing funny hats and false noses with moustaches and glasses and they make a huge racket with rattlers and blowers.
The men are wearing brand-new clothes from head to toe, they are very trendy and pretentiously at ease; the women are all dolled up, with intricate dresses and much gold jewellery, high-heeled shoes and elaborate hairdos — all except for Margarida who is dressed in an entirely futuristic manner with metallic bits, all very impractical, but very showy.)
ALL Surprise! Surprise!
ANITA (entering on the right, surprised and delighted) Oh, a surprise party!
(They all come up to Anita and congratulate her.)
HUGUINHO You weren’t expecting this, were you?
ANITA Not at all. A surprise party!
(They all move away from Anita and remove their hats, which they leave all over the place.)
ANITA (to no one in particular) May I put a hat on too? (She picks up one of the hats that has been left on the table by someone and puts it on, thrilled to bits; she points to the decorations.) When did you do all this?
ZÉZINHO I think I can take my jacket off now, it’s damned hot!
HUGUINHO (going up to the table) What shall we drink to start with?
LUISINHO (behind him) A gin and tonic for me.
HUGUINHO Nothing like starting with a bang. Where is it?
ZÉZINHO I don’t think we bought any gin.
HUGUINHO Hey, that’s not on!
ANITA When did you do all this? I never noticed a thing!
HUGUINHO Luisinho, you’d better see what there is, or we’ll be standing here all night long.
ZÉZINHO Ladies first, you bore!
FELÍCIA (leaving the circle the girls were in until then, and coming up to the boys) I should think so too! We are hungry and thirsty, and no one is paying us any attention!
ANITA Would you like to listen to some music? (She goes towards the back and rummages amongst the records. Bolinha goes with her.)
FELÍCIA Costa, don’t you want to eat anything?
COSTA (who is engrossed in reading the titles of the books on the bookshelf) You start, I’ll be along in a minute.
HUGUINHO (to Luisinho, who chooses a drink) Well, you never turned up?
LUISINHO I was thinking of dropping by next week. Would that be alright with you?
HUGUINHO At what time?
LUISINHO I don’t know. What’s the best time to catch you?
HUGUINHO (putting his arm round Luisinho’s shoulders in a paternal gesture) Any time. If I’m not there, just wait a bit, I won’t be long. Then I’ll take you upstairs to meet the bosses, and you’ll be on your way.
LUISINHO I’ll go next week. I’ll definitely turn up next week. Around eleven o’clock. (When Huguinho starts to walk off.) Thanks, mate.
(Felícia has taken a slice of cake, walks towards Costa and gives it to him to eat. Anita has finally chosen a noisy record, but protests are heard all round; she removes the record.)
MARGARIDA (to Marta, pointing at Huguinho) Who on earth is he?
MARTA Who?
MARGARIDA Him over there, standing next to the one with a moustache. I feel I know him from somewhere.
MARTA You know, after a certain age we always feel we’ve met everyone somewhere.
MARGARIDA It’s nothing to do with age. He was a fellow student at University with me, or something like that, but now he’s got no beard or glasses… What’s his name?
MARTA They call him Huguinho. I don’t know if it’s his real name or his nickname. If you like, we can ask Felícia.
MARGARIDA Costa is a little quiet…
MARTA Felícia dragged him along, as usual. He’ll soon go away, if I know him.
MARGARIDA (adjusting her dress) These metal bits are cutting into me…
MARTA What made you wear your metals here? I told you it was a casual do. (She goes over to the table.) Ouch, these shoes!
(Felícia moves away from Costa and walks around the room until she bumps into Margarida who is centre stage, watching Marta’s movements. Huguinho, Zézinho and Luisinho, having helped themselves to food and drink, gather front left and start chatting.)
FELÍCIA That dress is amazing! Where did you buy it?
MARGARIDA I designed it myself, it’s one of my favourites. Isn’t it lovely?
FELÍCIA Wonderful! But don’t those metal bits hurt you?
MARGARIDA Not at all! They’re made of flexible anodised aluminium…
FELÍCIA Oh, I see. And has it sold well?
MARGARIDA I am networking at the moment… but you know that my clothes are not very commercial… I’m more interested in shapes, materials, textures, the play of light and shadow… it’s a kind of sculpture…
FELÍCIA Of course, of course, that’s what matters most of all when one’s trying to be creative… aren’t you eating anything, can I get you a drink?
MARGARIDA Yes, a gin and tonic, if you wouldn’t mind. (When Felícia tries to move away.) I was wondering if that one over there, the fair-haired one, had been to University with me. What’s his name?
FELÍCIA (shouting) Hey, Huguinho, hey Zézinho, come over here, darlings, this won’t do at all, men one side, women the other! You great wallies!
HUGUINHO (coming up) We were over there outlining our strategy.
ZÉZINHO And pulling straws to see who would end up with Anita…
HUGUINHO Luisinho pulled the short straw, we all know how unlucky he is… do you remember that time he was stuck in the lift…
ZÉZINHO With two Jehovah’s Witnesses, who sent him round the bend for three hours, until the power was restored…
FELÍCIA What do mean, three hours? It was much longer than that!… The poor bloke came out of that lift baptized and well on his way to salvation!
MARGARIDA I didn’t know they baptized people too…
FELÍCIA Nor did I. All I know is that Luisinho became unbearable…
HUGUINHO We even had to take drastic measures. We took him out to dinner, and what with a little drink here and a little drink there, we got him so drunk that by four o’clock in the morning he had denounced, not only the Jehovah’s Witnesses, but all religions and all sects.
(They are all standing in a circle in the centre. Luisinho is quite shy, the others are all in a party mood, when Anita and Bolinha join them.)
ANITA I thought I heard someone mention my name…
HUGUINHO We were saying that you look much younger, that no one would believe you will be fifty next year…
(They all laugh.)
FELÍCIA (to Huguinho) Margarida thinks she was at University with you.
MARGARIDA Were you reading Law?
HUGUINHO I was, yes, that’s right. What year? I don’t remember you. You weren’t dressed like that, otherwise I’m sure I’d have noticed you.
FELÍCIA You idiot! He’s so rude!
HUGUINHO I was teasing. That’s allowed between friends. (To Margarida.) Did you finish your course?
MARGARIDA No, I still have a few course-units to do… it all became a crushing bore, so I decided to do design and make a career of it.
ZÉZINHO My brother has done some modelling in his time…
(They all laugh, except for Margarida and Marta who do not understand the private joke.)
MARGARIDA Really?
HUGUINHO (somewhat embarrassed) It’s nothing, just something that happened during Carnival… Why do you have to bring it up all the time?
FELÍCIA Bring it up all the time? I think this is the first time we’ve ever mentioned the episode of the gay chicken model…
(They all laugh, especially Zézinho..)
ZÉZINHO Trussed up on the floor… blind drunk… he could barely open his eyes… and then he sicked up his stuffing all over the carpet…
HUGUINHO (not amused) And they had to take photos of it all happening! If I ever find out who took them….
ANITA You’d better say what music you want or else we’ll never get started…
HUGUINHO (unkindly) Why don’t you sing, at least we’d have a few laughs!
ZÉZINHO (smoothly) Put on anything you like, it’s your birthday after all.
(Bolinha and Anita go back to the record player and Costa joins the circle, reluctantly.)
FELÍCIA (taking him by the arm and leaning against him) Costa has got a job in Brussels.
MARTA Hey, that’s great! When are you leaving?
COSTA I don’t know yet. Maybe next year.
HUGUINHO Are they hard to come by, those EEC jobs?
COSTA They have been easier, but now everything is getting full.
ZÉZINHO A friend of mine went over there. He hung around for a while, he had no proper job, now, the last time we met, he was earning 5K month, plus trips and all those other facilities they provide for their civil servants and he’ll obviously never come back here. He’s already bought a house, a car…
LUISINHO Still, it’s always raining over there. Do you know how many rainy days there are a year in Brussels?
HUGUINHO To hell with the rain, the people don’t work in the open air!
MARTA Oh, I’d hate it! It doesn’t bear thinking about! I’m nothing without the sun. And things are different in the South, there are Southern values, friendship, love, parties…
ZÉZINHO (teasing) Yes, that’s right, they have no idea about love, friendship or parties up north… they all go around sulking…
MARTA I’m sorry, but it’s true. They are much colder than us and all they do is work non-stop. Their lives are quite moronic. You can go for a walk at 10 o’clock at night and there will be no one in the street. I remember once, in Florence, that…
MARGARIDA (interrupting) And the Belgians are supposed to be quite thick…
MARTA That’s what the French say. The Belgians are to them as the Irish are to the English, like the people from the Alentejo are to us here in Lisbon…
(Anita and Bolinha have put on an unusual instrumental record and have returned to the group.)
BOLINHA I’d love to go and live in Germany for a few months… they are experiencing such… such incredible times…
FELÍCIA I detest the Germans! I adore the British!
BOLINHA The Germans are very efficient. Everything they do they do well.
FELÍCIA They’re brutes! And they’re dangerous!
HUGUINHO It’s the British that are brutes! Look at the football, for instance! They only go to matches to get into fights. The Germans have an excellent team and don’t need that kind of shit.
FELÍCIA But the players aren’t responsible for their fans!
HUGUINHO They’re English! All those refined Brits that you see in films, they just don’t exist any more!
MARGARIDA I love the French. They are so refined! I know a couple that live in Paris, they are both lovely. She’s a model, she’s beautiful…
FELÍCIA The French are horrendous. I spent a few days holiday in Paris, and I hated it. They’re all stuck up and completely racist. I saw people fainting in the street from hunger and old drunkards having fits and going all purple in the face, and no one even stopped to look. Until a police van came along…
MARGARIDA Those are the clochards, they are part of Paris, that’s just the way things are. I also saw loads of them sleeping in the metro, it’s like their home. It’s better than over here, where the wretched people have to sleep in the street or wherever.
ZÉZINHO It’s not quite like that.
MARGARIDA It’s not quite like that?
ZÉZINHO Of course not! There’s an awful lot of exaggeration about Portuguese wretchedness. We like to think that we are very poor, that we are the poor relations, that we live in the arsehole of Europe. But all I see is longer traffic queues… and people everywhere…
HUGUINHO The Renault 5… every Portuguese citizen deserves one!
LUISINHO They’re offering great discounts at the moment!
(They all stop to look at Luisinho who smiles gingerly.)
LUISINHO It’s true!
ZÉZINHO … and then there are people at the Amoreiras Shopping Centre buying all there is on offer at greatly inflated prices and loads of people everywhere, on holidays, on weekend breaks, spending loads of money…
FELÍCIA But that doesn’t mean there aren’t any shanty towns and homeless people and people who know what hunger is all about!…
ZÉZINHO Come on, that’s just like everywhere else! Do you know how many millions of destitute there are in the States? And how many poor there are in Europe? I don’t understand why you all talk about Portugal as though it were the only country with this problem!
COSTA I even heard that a committee has been set up to study the matter.
ZÉZINHO Of course there has! And not only here — on the contrary, it’s an idea that we have copied from elsewhere. Because in Europe, instead of the sentimentalism and petty complaining displayed by the Portuguese, the governments create structures that study the problem in depth in order to have solid facts about given situations…
HUGUINHO And they lined their pockets with EEC funds and a few more jobs for party members!
MARTA But do you know who amazes me? The Greeks! Last year I went to Athens and I was expecting to see something quite primitive, along the lines of Morocco: heat, flies, filth; sullen, badly dressed people, the kind that hang around café tables begging and exposing their sores; but in the end it was wonderful. The city is beautiful, the hotel was squeaky clean, there was a swimming-pool and the people were totally civilized and extremely friendly… I was really impressed. Of course there were also those rather typical things for us to see, but we only took in one or two of them, and we went for a walk in the Old Town, which is beautiful but quite dilapidated, like our own Alfama over here…
ZÉZINHO Is that what you mean by enjoying the values of the South? You must be joking! What about the sun, friendship, love and festivals? Why did you go to Athens? You didn’t see anything, you didn’t meet anybody, you didn’t understand anything, I bet you shut yourselves up in your squeaky clean hotel and sunbathed! You could have gone to the Algarve for that!
MARTA We met a Danish couple and two really cute German girls, Sybil and Ute, and we went everywhere, not like what you’re thinking at all! But there’s no point telling you if we’re going to argue about it!
ZÉZINHO No, but what can I do, I really cannot understand people who only travel in order to stay in the same place after all!
FELÍCIA But tell me, have you ever even been anywhere? Or is it only Badajoz that you know well?
ZÉZINHO I have, and I do know Badajoz well, and it is really nice if you don’t go there just for shopping and if you take the trouble to see what matters, things that aren’t for tourists, like the wine shops, the taverns, the real Flamenco houses!
FELÍCIA Flamenco in Badajoz? Well I never!
ZÉZINHO If you go there with a tour or on a tourist excursion, you never get to see anything that really matters. You have to leave the beaten track.
FELÍCIA But where else have you ever been, go on, tell me! I’d really like to know!
ZÉZINHO I don’t know… last year I went to Toledo… the year before that I did Andorra, Barcelona, the entire coastline down to Alicante, then Seville…
MARGARIDA But that’s all in Spain! That doesn’t count!
ZÉZINHO It doesn’t matter where you go, just how you go!
HUGUINHO Yes, especially for someone who doesn’t go anywhere!
COSTA It also matters how you stay somewhere!
ZÉZINHO No but seriously, I think it would be totally ridiculous for me to go off to Athens or wherever the hell she went, just to stay in a first-class hotel full of Danes and Germans, to go to the cradle of Western civilisations, the place with the most history in Europe, if not in the whole world, and be amazed by the fact that they are no longer in the Stone Age! I’d rather stay at home or go to the Algarve…
MARTA Going to the Algarve is like going to England or Germany, it’s that full of foreigners!
HUGUINHO It has all the advantages of staying in Portugal and all the advantages of being abroad, and all together at the seaside.
ZÉZINHO I can’t see what advantages…
HUGUINHO The talent, brother, it’s crawling with English talent!
FELÍCIA Don’t tell me you’re still into all that, Huguinho! It was all of twenty or thirty years ago when boys emigrated to the Algarve because of all the foreign women…
ZÉZINHO Some things never go out of fashion.
MARGARIDA I think there ought to be a solution and that we could come to a compromise of some sort. One mustn’t just stay in the hotel, but one must also make the effort of going to visit all the little churches, all the old stones, all the museums..
MARTA Remember it was August and the temperature was nearly 40°C! Who on earth can walk around in that heat, visiting museums, especially as there’s never any air-conditioning!
ZÉZINHO In Spain, for instance…
FELÍCIA Please, Zézinho, not Spain!
ZÉZINHO But what’s wrong with Spain? You probably think it’s still about chewy toffees and buying everything dirt cheap, don’t you? They have rea a level of development and a life-style that we can’t even begin to dream about!
FELÍCIA Well, that’s just a trick of theirs! When I go through Spain, I see as much misery as ever… What they have discovered is publicity!
MARTA I cannot bear the smell of their cigarettes!
MARGARIDA And they don’t understand Portuguese, they are as thick as two short planks!
ZÉZINHO The French don’t speak Portuguese either, yet you think they’re so refined!
MARGARIDA That’s not the same thing!
ZÉZINHO It’s not the same thing only because you know a couple in France, and she’s a model and very beautiful with it and he’s probably a designer and goes about wearing bits of plastic buckets!
FELÍCIA You’re a true Scorpio! Always a sting in the tail!
MARTA Oh, is he a Scorpio?
ZÉZINHO And what’s wrong with Scorpios?
MARTA There’s nothing wrong with Scorpios… Cancerians are awful! My mother and my cousin Guga are Cancerians and they’re as weird as anything. And all my relationships with Cancer men ended badly.
HUGUINHO You conduct your relationships according to your men’s birth-signs?
MARTA Depends. What’s your birth-sign?
HUGUINHO I was born in the thirteenth month.
MARTA You idiot! I bet you’re a Saggitarian, with that cheeky grin of yours.
HUGUINHO (pretending to be amazed) How did you ever guess?
MARGARIDA But Cancerians tend to be very friendly. They have an incredible amount of charm, but they’re inconsistent because they’re a water sign.
FELÍCIA Just like Pisceans, they never know what they want…
LUISINHO I’m Pisces. I’ve never really understood what people base all this stuff about birth-signs on. I find it all a bit hard to swallow.
FELÍCIA No offence, Luisinho, but Pisceans tend to be great big wallies, amorphous, fickle, reserved…
HUGUINHO Always spouting forth…
FELÍCIA Now, what really matters is the ascendant. What is your ascendant?
ZÉZINHO I think that’s a load of old cobblers, made up especially for women’s magazines.
MARTA It’s actually a very ancient science and has nothing at all to do with women’s magazines. It looks at the way different energies act in a given context, how they affect people…
ZÉZINHO But how can stars that are millions of light-years away from Earth affect my behaviour or the kind of person I am?
MARTA Western science is only a few centuries old, the old science…
HUGUINHO (interrupting) Is older!
FELÍCIA Stop mucking about, you’re being unbearable! Can’t we have a normal conversation?
MARTA There are other systems of understanding beyond what appears logical to us! We cannot explain everything logically!
LUISINHO That’s right, not that long ago my father was telling me that we only use 10% of our brains!
HUGUINHO You certainly use less than 10%, Luisinho!
MARTA People want to explain everything through logic because they are afraid of the unknown that lies inside them and connects them to the universe and to things that are beyond them!
FELÍCIA I am tired of standing, let’s go and sit down.
BOLINHA What about the cake, when are we going to sing ‘Happy Birthday’?
(They all go off looking for chairs, then they gather round to the left, some sit on the floor, some on the settees, others on the arms of the settees, everyone has a drink and a cigarette. Margarida remains standing.)
FELÍCIA (dropping into the settee) Anita, darling, why don’t you take that racket off? Play something Portuguese!
HUGUINHO, ZÉZINHO, LUISINHO, MARTA, MARGARIDA No, don’t!
FELÍCIA Fado, fado!
ANITA (getting up) Make up your minds!
COSTA (resigned) It’s majority rule, we are in a democracy after all!
FELÍCIA Even if it is a majority of snobs and idiots!
HUGUINHO But they are idiots who have the right to vote!
FELÍCIA The person is yet to be born who can convince me that majority rule is better than minority rule!
ZÉZINHO You fascist!
MARTA Except that in a democracy you can say what you jolly well want to, including that democracy is government by idiots, and in a totalitarian state, you can’t say anything at all!
ANITA (still standing and waiting) Well?
ZÉZINHO But you’re right up to a certain point. Something isn’t necessarily good just because the majority thinks so. In a democracy there is a kind of tyranny of the little people.
HUGUINHO What a pair!
COSTA I don’t entirely agree. The great value of democracy, after all, at least it seems to me, lies in the fact that all social and professional groups have the right to express themselves. Therefore, there are no longer great people or little people, instead there are great people and little people, but there is room for all.
HUGUINHO Even though there is more room for some than for others…
LUISINHO I think there are too few political parties. There ought to be more.
COSTA I grant that this isn’t the best of all worlds, yet I cannot see any other system, apart from democracy, that could create a society where the distribution of wealth is fairer.
ZÉZINHO What do you mean, distribution of wealth? No one wants to give away their wealth willingly! That’s Utopian! I am completely liberal when it comes to economics, politics and all the rest: it’s the law of the jungle and that’s just how things should be!
FELÍCIA (mocking) You wild animal, you!
HUGUINHO Capitalism is a great invention!
ZÉZINHO It’s alright for you to laugh, but look at what happened in the East! They’re eating out of our hands! They had to convert or die…
COSTA That is one huge market just waiting for us.
HUGUINHO At least some people will get by…
MARTA And others will be unemployed!
FELÍCIA I for one have nothing against unemployment… I think people work too much.
HUGUINHO Indeed, if they could stop eating, they wouldn’t need to go on working.
MARGARIDA In other countries they pay good money on the dole. I wouldn’t mind in that case either.
HUGUINHO I’d mind, I’d have to work to keep you!
ANITA Well!
Luisinho Play some hip-hop!
ANITA I’m going to put on some Tracy Chapman!
(Huguinho has a coughing fit that almost chokes him.)
FELÍCIA I say, old chap! You were going quite blue!
HUGUINHO It’s this bloddy tobacco!
MARGARIDA Why don’t you stop smoking, it’s just another drug!
ZÉZINHO (raising his glass) This is a drug too!
MARGARIDA But didn’t you see the state he was in just now? It’s obviously doing him a lot of harm!
ZÉZINHO If you spend a few hours in the Baixa, the effect is the same as if you had smoked sixty cigarettes!
FELÍCIA That’s true! The Baixa is unbearable! Anyway, traffic is bad everywhere!
MARTA A few days ago I decided to drive from Picoas to Campo Grande at four o’clock in the afternoon, do you know how long it took? Two hours! Two hours! Never again!
FELÍCIA It’s true, you can’t go on the streets any more.
ZÉZINHO There are too many people, too many cars, too little public transport!
FELÍCIA And if there were any, do you think the average person would give up the comfort of his car and stand on the bus with others like him?
ZÉZINHO Why not?
COSTA It is essential to create good infra-structures. Otherwise we’ll never get anywhere.
LUISINHO You can say that again!
HUGUINHO Not only will we not get anywhere, but it’ll take forever to get there!
(They all laugh.)
ZÉZINHO That’s a good one, brother. You’re loosening up, soon we’ll you might give us a fashion show!
HUGUINHO Get lost! This time I’m watching out for whoever’s the bugger who’s taking pictures when people make a fool of themselves…
(Felícia is about to say something, but Zézinho makes a sign and she stops.)
FELÍCIA Anita, darling, take that screeching black woman off, I can’t listen to any more! Yeah, yeah, yeah, it’s always the same thing!
LUISINHO It is a little monotonous, but what she has to say is very important.
FELÍCIA And you understand what she is saying?
LUISINHO I can’t grasp all of it. But I think the lyrics are written on the inside cover of the record.
ANITA (getting up) I would be better if you could all agree once and for all about what you want to listen to!
HUGUINHO (to Margarida) Would you like to sit down?
MARGARIDA I like standing.
HUGUINHO I’ll go and put on something we can all dance to.
MARGARIDA With all these lights on?
HUGUINHO That’s no problem, we’ll turn them all off…
FELÍCIA I must say I feel like jumping around a bit… how about you, Costa?
(Huguinho gets up and goes over to the record player.)
COSTA If you like, but I think we may have trouble with the neighbours.
LUISINHO You’re right, it’s gone ten…
FELÍCIA Oh, isn’t it only after midnight that it matters? One day we’ll be like Switzerland, where you can’t flush the loo on the fourth floor without your neighbour on the ground floor ringing up the police and complaining about the racket!
ZÉZINHO You do exaggerate!
FELÍCIA It’s true! A cousin of mine who lived there many years ago told me so!
MARTA This isn’t Switzerland, nor will it ever be. As long as there are Portuguese people, partying will always go on to well after midnight!
COSTA I don’t actually know what the letter of the law is, whether it is after ten or after midnight.
MARGARIDA Is there a law about such things?
MARTA (laughing) It’s like enforced curfew!
LUISINHO Everyone has their own philosophy! (They all stare at Luisinho.) Don’t they?
MARTA (dreamily) Everyone has their own philosophy, that’s for sure.
ZÉZINHO There’s a minor detail which we always tend to forget. And that’s that people in Switzerland and other countries do actually work, whereas in Portugal, people only work when there is nothing else to do.
MARTA And that’s curious in itself… because it is only in Portugal that the Portuguese don’t work; when they’re abroad, everyone says that they’re splendid examples of overseas workers…
ZÉZINHO That was before!
FELÍCIA They work themselves to their graves just to be able to buy their own house in their blessed birthplaces.
MARGARIDA Last year at Easter I travelled round the North and I was quite horrified by the emigrants’ houses. It’s a phenomenon that simply cannot be explained.
ZÉZINHO Maybe you prefer the Amoreiras Shopping Centre… (They all laugh.)
MARTA It’s already a part of Lisbon, it’s become a symbol of the city.
LUISINHO It took me a while to get used to it, but now I actually quite like it.
FELÍCIA I am tired of sitting down, I feel like moving around a bit.
(Huguinho has put on a melancholy piece of music, dimmed the lights and come up to Margarida.)
HUGUINHO Shall we have a go, my friend?
ZÉZINHO (to Felícia, referring to Huguinho) The kid’s always up to something.
(Felícia gets up and grabs Costa by the arm; they join Huguinho and Margarida who are dancing back left. Marta and Zézinho remain seated, somewhat shy, looking at their glasses. Luisinho gets up to go to the table, he helps himself to a drink and some food and stares into the distance, leaning against the table. Bolinha gets up to join Anita who is standing by the window.)
COSTA He says he won the Nobel prize!
FELÍCIA But who is he? I’ve never heard of him!
COSTA I don’t know. I only know he won the prize.
FELÍCIA It’s probably some poor bloke from the third world, they’ll have given him the prize to help him forget he’s hungry, poor thing! Like that Egyptian or Turk, whatever he was, who wrote whopping great novels and that no one had ever heard of! And there are some really well-known ones who have never won anything, for purely political reasons!
COSTA Listen, what’s this about some photographs that were taken of Huguinho? He gets really uptight whenever the subject gets mentioned!
FELÍCIA Leave it, I’ll tell you later.
ZÉZINHO Have you known Felícia long?
MARTA Well, we’ve lived in the same block of flats ever since we were kids, but we never got on. Then we happened to go to the same school and we’ve been friends ever since. Isn’t that a coincidence!
ZÉZINHO What school? When you were kids? I don’t understand.
MARTA (explaining slowly) No, we have always lived in the same block of flats, but we didn’t really know each other. Then we went to teach in the same school in Cacém which also happened to be miles away from home, and there we got to know each other.
ZÉZINHO Oh, I see!
MARTA How about you?
ZÉZINHO Me?
MARTA Yes, you, how long have you and Felícia been friends?
ZÉZINHO Oh, we went out together for a while and then we belonged to the same group of friends, even when we weren’t together any more.
MARTA That’s funny. She’s never mentioned you before…
ZÉZINHO It was many years ago… when we were kids…
MARTA I like her very much. She is great fun, she’s so full of life and such a laugh…
ZÉZINHO (not too convinced) Yeah, she’s great. Shall we dance for a bit?
(Marta gets up and follows Zézinho up to the others; Huguinho has made some progress and is stroking Margarida’s hair, under the mocking gazes of Felícia and Costa. Just when Zézinho and Marta are ready to dance, the music stops.)
ZÉZINHO Just when we were about to get going!
FELÍCIA Anita, put something on to liven things up a bit!
(Anita chooses another record, under Bolinha’s watchful eye; when the music starts, Zézinho shrugs and sits back down again, followed by Marta; they return to where they were sitting before; Huguinho and Margarida go up to the table and help themselves to drinks and nibbles, chatting the whole time, Huguinho with his back turned to the audience and Margarida facing him; Felícia is dancing alone, happily contorting herself, while Costa looks at her sadly, trying to keep up with her dancing; after putting the record on, Anita leans on the windowsill; Bolinha joins her and they both have their backs towards the group, looking out. Luisinho is alone front left, vaguely trying out some dance steps, hands in his pockets.)
BOLINHA I don’t understand why you won’t tell him.
ANITA Why should I? You can see he’s not in the least bit interested.
BOLINHA You have to make yourself noticed.
ANITA This is why I hate parties. Huguinho always ends up all over someone else, with me simply looking on.
BOLINHA What do you expect him to do?
ANITA Nothing really. I just hate parties. I don’t even understand how people can enjoy themselves at parties… it’s all so contrite…
BOLINHA Look at Felícia…
ANITA Felícia is always alright, she’s just a fool..
HUGUINHO But don’t you believe in God.
MARGARIDA What can I say? I believe that there is a superior force… something or other… or perhaps it’s just a human invention… a part of our imaginary…
HUGUINHO You think that God is an invention?
MARGARIDA He must have been once. There are loads of people who represent their gods in human form, which means that God is an image invented in the likeness of Man.
HUGUINHO Well who created all this then?
MARGARIDA Science can explain all that.
HUGUINHO How can science explain creation?
MARGARIDA I don’t really know.
HUGUINHO (dreamily) You know, I think about this sort of thing sometimes and have some amazing visions; at night, when I look at the stars, at the vastness of the universe, I feel… I don’t know… almost insignificant. At times like that I find myself wondering who created all this, what it is I am doing here, what is the meaning of my life…
MARGARIDA (tenderly) I didn’t realise you were such a philosopher…
HUGUINHO (shyly) Sometimes people are not what they seem… we all have to put on a mask and pretend we are something we are not…
MARGARIDA But why?
HUGUINHO Just imagine that I was having this conversation with all of them instead of just with you… they would have been making fun of me, calling me stupid, and I would have got annoyed by now.
MARGARIDA (after a pause) Do you think people can change?
HUGUINHO How do you mean?
MARGARIDA Change… being one thing then becoming something else…
HUGUINHO What, do you mean like that bloke who woke up one morning to find that he had been changed into a cockroach or a grasshopper or whatever it was?
MARGARIDA No, I mean to change during the course of one’s life… to not always be the same…
HUGUINHO I think I change every day.
MARGARIDA But deep down you’re still the same?
HUGUINHO Well, I still look the same, but I am getting older, so it’s different… (Pause.) I don’t see what you’re trying to get at.
MARTA (to Zézinho) It’s the oldest tower in Europe!
ZÉZINHO No, it isn’t.
MARTA Well, which is it then?
ZÉZINHO I don’t know! I don’t go around dating towers! But the oldest one is probably the Tower of London or something like that.
MARTA But that’s not even a tower!
(Felícia has tired of dancing and has come to sit down, leaving Costa stranded; then Costa too joins Marta and Zézinho; Huguinho and Margarida leave discreetly to the right, holding hands, watched by Anita and Bolinha who then go and join the others, sitting on the floor next to each other. Luisinho puts an end to his isolation by walking towards the group, standing next to them; he faces the audience, his arms crossed.)
FELÍCIA Gee! I’m getting old! I used to be able to dance for fifty hours in a row and still be fresh as a daisy, now all it takes is a couple of twirls and I collapse in a heap.
BOLINHA When are we going to sing ‘Happy Birthday’? I have to go home early because I am working tomorrow.
ZÉZINHO Do you know, I’ve started to feel my age too. Not that long ago I was still able to burn the candle at both ends, but now… I can’t anymore. Things just don’t seem to be worth the trouble any longer.
MARTA What you must do is stay young at heart. (They all laugh.)
ZÉZINHO Someone always says something like that at this stage of the proceedings.
MARTA Yes, but is it true or not?
ZÉZINHO I wouldn’t know, as you can tell I am no longer young at heart.
FELÍCIA You never have been.
ZÉZINHO Oh, haven’t I?
FELÍCIA You have always been a bad-tempered old sod, ever since you were a child, ever since I’ve known you.
ZÉZINHO A bad tempered old sod, you reckon? I see!
FELÍCIA A bad-tempered, stubborn and contrary-minded old sod! I’ll never forget that time when you made such a fuss about my going to a party in a red dress and a pony-tail.
ZÉZINHO What do you mean, such a fuss? I don’t even remember what you’re talking about!
FELÍCIA And to top it all you can’t remember a thing! You called me every name under the sun, even a tart! (Pause.) In any case, you can see what I mean. All you have to do is come in to a room and you at once start arguing with everyone. When I got here, you were pestering Marta.
MARTA We were only chatting…
ZÉZINHO (getting up, hurt) Right, I’m going to get a drink…
MARTA (getting up, to Felícia) What was that all about?
(She goes over to Zézinho.)
FELÍCIA I’m glad we’re not staying here much longer!
COSTA Do you want to go right now? Without singing ‘Happy Birthday’?
FELÍCIA I mean going to Brussels, silly! I’m talking about Brussels! I am sick and tired of Portugal, and of Lisbon, and of all this! I need to get some fresh air!
COSTA (very cautiously) But Felícia, I’m not sure my salary will be enough for both of us… they don’t pay too well at first…I don’t have anywhere to live yet or anything… (Felícia stares at him, stunned, ready to explode)… don’t be like that… you can come and visit me afterwards, when I’m more settled… I’m not even sure I’m going yet… I don’t even know how much I’ll be earning… you know that all the best jobs have been taken… Felícia… (Felícia leaps up.) I don’t even know when I’m going… it’ll only be next year… don’t be like that…
(Felícia goes up to the table to get herself a drink; she leans against the table, throwing back her drinks with determination, purposefully turned towards Costa who looks helplessly at her. Huguinho and Margarida enter on the left. She is slightly dishevelled, with some metal bits out of place and Huguinho smoothes his hair back into place with his hands. Margarida goes towards Zézinho and Marta, and Huguinho sits next to Costa, Luisinho, Bolinha and Anita.)
HUGUINHO (to Anita) Well, gal?
ANITA (smiling) I’m still here!
HUGUINHO (patting her on the head) Everything alright? (Anita shrugs and bows her head.) It’s your birthday neurosis, isn’t it? We’re no longer of an age when birthdays are fun.
ANITA Because of the presents.
HUGUINHO And the party food.
ANITA And the party games with the other kids.
HUGUINHO I remember once when Zézinho and I were sent home… we almost drowned the birthday girl… she had long, immaculate ringlets and we thought they were so silly that we got it into our heads to wash her hair… only she fell in the bath!
(Zézinho and Marta walk away from Margarida who remains by the table, and they go the window.)
BOLINHA How awful!
ANITA Then what?
HUGUINHO There were screams, tears, crying, it was a huge scandal, we stopped being invited anywhere for a while, but in time it was all forgotten. We were a pair of brats, I’m amazed we’re such normal adults… (He looks at Zézinho.)… at least, I am… (They all smile. To Anita.) We must have lunch some time this week, and have a chat… I have some things to tell you…
ANITA OK. How about Tuesday?
ZÉZINHO But are you still married to him?
MARTA Oh, you know how it is, half married, half separated… he spends some time at home… then he goes off again… (Pause.) The trouble is, he’s gone thingy…
ZÉZINHO Thingy?
MARTA He has always had homosexual tendencies and he never made a secret about it, but now he has finally made his choice and decided to be bisexual.
ZÉZINHO And doesn’t it bother you?
MARTA It’s just that we’re very fond of one another, you know. He’s a very sensitive chap, very caring, I talk to him about things that I wouldn’t dream of talking about with my girl friends… he has a very feminine side to him which I like very much. And then the house is his, too, I can’t just kick him out just like that.
ZÉZINHO But isn’t it big enough, couldn’t you lead separate lives under the same roof?
MARTA No, it’s just a flat, we have a living-room and one bedroom… (Pause.) and he collects miniature ships, you know how it is, so I’ve got loads of little boats all over the place, I’ve already told him to get rid of all that rubbish, but he’s got nowhere else to put them either… and they’re quite valuable.
ZÉZINHO I know, it can be quite difficult to find somewhere to live. The rents are impossible and if he doesn’t have any money…
MARTA Actually he does have money. It’s just that he lived with some man for a few months, but then he got fed up and came back home, and he almost begged me…
ZÉZINHO Hey, that could even be dangerous…
BOLINHA (to Huguinho) Go and ask Felícia when we’re going to sing ‘Happy Birthday’. I mustn’t leave too late, I’ve got work in the morning.
HUGUINHO (getting up) Right away, your ladyship. (To Felícia.) The girls are wondering when we’re going to sing ‘Happy Birthday’, because they’re in a hurry. (Pause.) What’s the matter with you?
FELÍCIA (tearfully) Nothing.
HUGUINHO Are you crying?
FELÍCIA No, leave it.
HUGUINHO What’s happened?
FELÍCIA Costa’s an animal!
HUGUINHO What’s he done to you? I’ll smash his face in! Friends must stick together!
FELÍCIA You silly! He hasn’t done anything to me!
HUGUINHO Do you know the destructive power of my punches? Go on, I’ve been wanting to punch Costa for ages! Let me have a go! First I’ll lay him down flat, then you can jump on his belly, feet first…
FELÍCIA He’s now saying that he doesn’t want to go to Brussels, can you imagine, the fool…
HUGUINHO Come on now, that’s nothing… he was scared off by all that talk of rain… but he’ll get over it, just you wait and see… (He puts his arm over her shoulders and carefully takes her glass from her hand.) Give me your glass, you go all maudlin whenever you drink …
FELÍCIA (pretending to be quite drunk) Did you know that I used to get beaten as a child whenever I peed the bed?
HUGUINHO (guiding her towards the right where the others are, his arm still round her) Oh, so that’s it, is it? You poor thing! How awful! Weren’t they horrible to you! (Pause.) Now tell me this, who took those disgusting photographs of me?
FELÍCIA I know I was five at the time, I was quite big, really, but that doesn’t matter, all that matters is that it wasn’t my fault at all!
HUGUINHO It was my dear brother, wasn’t it? It was one of his bright ideas, wasn’t it?
(Zézinho and Marta return to the table to join Margarida and watch the end of the scene with Felícia.)
FELÍCIA (sitting down) Nobody loves me!
ANITA I think someone rang the doorbell downstairs!
(Luisinho, Anita and Bolinha get up and go over to the window, have a look out and remain chatting by the bookshelf.)
COSTA Shouldn’t we be going now?
FELÍCIA (furiously) Without singing ‘Happy Birthday’?
COSTA We can talk about this in the morning calmly, we’ll arrange to meet up, we’ll both talk things over clearly… you’re not being at all reasonable… it’s nothing to get that het up about…
FELÍCIA (entirely sober) What do you mean, het up? What on earth do you mean, het up?
HUGUINHO What do you think she was drinking, Costa? That was lemonade, it’s just that she likes to be theatrical.
FELÍCIA Huguinho, go and take a jump, would you?
HUGUINHO (jumping once on the spot) There, I’ve gone for a jump, and here I am back again!
FELÍCIA Why is it men never grow up? Do you realize you’re still clowning around just as you used to ten years ago?
HUGUINHO But I always make you laugh, don’t I?
(Felícia sighs and Huguinho goes to the record-player to change the music; he chooses a slow march which is almost funereal, and goes back to join Marta, Zézinho and Margarida. Felícia turns her back to Costa.)
ANITA (to Bolinha) You know, perhaps it’s better this way. If we went out together, we’d probably break up and never see each other again. Like this, we’re still friends and we can still be together without expecting anything from each other, and we can go on like this for ever.
BOLINHA But why do you start off by thinking that you’ll break up? It could even work out!
ANITA But don’t you see that he’s always with someone else? How could I bear it if I was going out with him?
BOLINHA But if he was going out with you, he wouldn’t bother with the others! And if you’re friends now, why couldn’t you still be friends if things didn’t work out?
ANITA Have you ever seen anyone remain friends after breaking up? That’s just a front to hide the pain!
BOLINHA Look at Zézinho and Felícia…
ANITA Exactly, they’re a fine example. That was years ago, and they are still arguing with each other, still talking about the arguments they had when they were together.
BOLINHA But they’re friends, aren’t they?
LUISINHO That’s right. Friendship is all very well, but it is not the same as love.
ANITA For me, love has to mean total commitment, a complete surrender, otherwise it is not good enough.
BOLINHA (sweetly, to Luisinho) Have you ever been in love?
LUISINHO I don’t know.
BOLINHA If you don’t know, it’s because you haven’t.
LUISINHO I could have been without realising it.
ANITA Luisinho is not the kind who falls in love.
BOLINHA That’s not true. Everyone has the ability to fall in love, it’s just a question of finding the right person.
LUISINHO Yes, you’re probably right. I mean, all that romantic stuff about losing sleep, going off one’s food and so on, that has never happened to me. I think it would be a bit difficult. (Pause.) Once, I stopped feeling like watching the telly, but I don’t think it was because I was in love. I never did understand what happened to me.
ANITA I think passion is awful. Friendship is much better than love.
BOLINHA I don’t think so at all. Love is much deeper, much more… much more… important. You can have millions of friends and never feel fulfilled if you don’t have a boyfriend, a lover, a husband, someone who loves you and only you.
LUISINHO That’s a tall order!
ANITA (annoyed) Yes, but I don’t have to get angry with my friends, nor do I have to sleep with them, or get annoyed… my friends do not hurt me, I can always count on them. If I am lonely and want to go to the cinema or something, I phone some one and get someone to come with me…
BOLINHA But if you had a boyfriend, you wouldn’t have to find anyone!
ANITA You’re not trying to understand!
BOLINHA Well then, explain what it is you do mean!
LUISINHO (seriously) She means that she can always count on friends, but the boyfriend may or may not be around. He may have to go somewhere, or work late, or be on a business trip, so then she cannot go out or go to the cinema, because it is too late by then to arrange anything with friends.
BOLINHA Oh, I see!
ANITA What a load of drivel!
LUISINHO Isn’t that what you meant?
ANITA No, it wasn’t, but leave it, it doesn’t matter.
MARTA I think there’s something going on with Costa.
HUGUINHO You are so perceptive!
MARGARIDA (dryly) If you know what it’s about, there’s no need to joke about it.
HUGUINHO Felícia says that he no longer wants to go to Brussels, but I think he does want to go really, but not with her.
MARTA (intrigued) Really? Oh, no! She was so sure… it seems that she didn’t even apply for next year… oh, hell! (She goes off towards Felícia.)
MARGARIDA What are you going to do? Do you think this is the right time to talk to her about it?
MARTA (stopping in her tracks) You’re right… how silly of me… it’s best to speak to her afterwards. But I feel so sorry for her…
(Felícia gets up and joins the people by the table.)
FELÍCIA What are you all whispering about?
MARGARIDA Nothing.
FELÍCIA Come on then, let’s sing ‘Happy Birthday’! Come here, Anita!
HUGUINHO What about the present?
FELÍCIA It’s over on that little table by the front door. Would you go and get it? (Huguinho goes off towards the left.) No, wait a minute. Let’s sing first, and then when the lights are out, you can go then. It will be a bigger surprise.
HUGUINHO What if she gets upset? You know what Anita’s like…
FELÍCIA It’s a totally harmless joke, why should she get upset?
ZÉZINHO (who had been busy chatting to Marta) What are you all talking about?
HUGUINHO The present…
ZÉZINHO Ah! (Pause.) It’s a joke. It might do her some good.
FELÍCIA What did we give her last year? I can’t even remember…
(Huguinho and Zézinho look at each other.)
ZÉZINHO It was eau-de-Cologne, wasn’t it?
HUGUINHO Come on, since when is perfume a suitable present for Anita? Every year we tease her… but I cannot remember what we did last year…
ZÉZINHO Didn’t she have a thing about Formula One drivers?
FELÍCIA No, that was Bolinha. She got over it quickly enough, whatever it was. (Pause.) In any case, I think her present is fun and quite innocent. And we shouldn’t worry about it now, after all its only a birthday present for a friend of ours, it’s not the end of the world.
(Felícia starts to light the candles on the cake and Anita, Bolinha and Luisinho, who have been crossing the stage slowly, reach the table.)
HUGUINHO Anita, up on the chair!
ANITA Oh, no!
HUGUINHO You must…
ZÉZINHO That’s right, everything has to be done properly.
(The lights go out; under the cover of darkness where only the candles glow, Costa crosses the room and joins the group as discreetly as possible.)
(They all sing ‘Happy Birthday to you’ in joyful chorus. And Anita gets off the chair to blow out the candles, which refuse to go out. They all egg her on, shouting, ‘Go on, blow! Haven’t you got enough puff?’ But the candles refuse to go out.)
ANITA I can’t! I can’t! They won’t go out!
(They all laugh and make fun of her.)
HUGUINHO Let them burn, Anita, that’s just the way the candles are!
FELÍCIA Go and get the present!
(Huguinho goes out and returns with a very sophisticated parcel which he hands to Anita.)
ANITA (sadly) Let’s see what I get this year!
ZÉZINHO Be brave!
FELÍCIA We all thought it was lovely! We hope you like it! (She kisses Anita twice.)
ZÉZINHO And may it come in useful! (He kisses Anita.)
MARGARIDA All the best! (She kisses Anita.)
LUISINHO Many happy returns! (He kisses Anita.)
HUGUINHO You’ll be so beautiful! (He kisses Anita.)
(Costa waves from a distance, smiling.)
BOLINHA Go on, open it!
(Anita opens her present. From the box, she removes a black and red garter belt and a sexy lace bra. Felícia snatches them from her to show them to everyone, waving them above her head. Anita bursts out crying and runs off stage to the left, leaving her astonished friends.)
(Curtain.)
19 July 1990
The Portuguese equivalent to the Imperial College.
The old commercial centre of Lisbon.
